127.2 kg bitches! 😀 Yeap, got what I was hoping for. And then
what did I do? I have my kids this week, went shopping, bought them lots of fun
stuff to eat and had a cookie :/ Fuck my life. But, it’s just one cookie and
that is all the treat I will allow myself this week because when I am strict,
even though it’s hard, I win. I reach my goal if I stick with unwavering
determination to it. So that is what I need to do. Jabba the Samm has been
mewling all fucking afternoon for coffee and chocolate milk and man that
cookie… but that’s it. The kids get to eat the rest of the things that were
bought because I do not eat that shit anymore because I lost 1.9 kg this week
by being strong and that’s what I need. I need to lose 1.9 kg every single week
this month so I can get back on track for my 1 kg average loss. That will get
me back on track for being under 100 kg by my son’s 9th b’day. That
is my goal for this year. That is my aim.
Maybe giving myself my lip piercing reward really did help. Next
goal, under 120 kg and I’ll get my 2nd nose piercing. Then under 110
kg and I’ll get my daith piercing. Then under 100 kg and I’ll get my double
shark bites, then under 90 kg and I’ll get my 3rd nose piercing.
Then under 80 kg and I’ll get my flat done and then under 70 kg and I’ll get
myself a subdermal, then under 60 I’ll get my full leg tattoo. I think that’s
pretty good rewards lol.
Got 900 MT lines done today. Almost 400 of them at the higher
rate. This is good because I worked out I need to do a minimum of 300 extra
lines a day to meet the bonus line count this month. So over the 16 working
days I have, I need to make an extra 4800 lines. I managed an extra 400 today,
only 4400 to go to get the bonus 5% hah. Man, one day, this struggle will be a
memory and I will be earning enough money AND helping people at the same time,
doing something I love and helping others tap into their own creativity and
source for healing.
So other than the
cookie today, I win.
Ok, so I’ve had a really good and strict week this week.
Seriously. Nothing but 2 x OF each day and dinner each day. There hasn’t been a
single extra anything despite Jabba the Samm mewling in the corner of my brain,
so I better have a good loss this week. I’m really hoping to see 127 on the
scales tomorrow. I’m ready to hit the 1teens so let’s get this shit done!
Had a good food day and I read all the readings for the first
week of the arts subject. Now I’m onto the readings for the Integrative
subject. I’m hoping to get week 2 done for both subject before Uni starts up
again so I can be a week ahead of all the readings. I really hope my note
taking and organisation of what I’m learning this time helps it be easier to do
the essays next holidays!!
Even did a small journey down to Ereshkigal to leave some more of my grief there. I didn’t quite make it all the way up to he Upperworld on my way back but still pretty close, so I’m good. I’m still all sorts of angry that some other woman is reaping the benefits of all my hard work and sacrifice and I am still hopeful she is treated better than I ever was and is supported. I don’t know that I will ever trust another human enough again to reap the hard work and sacrifices of some other woman or man but I am used to being alone in this world. Having only myself to rely on and blame. So I’m good.
Today, I won.
For better or for worse I submitted my 3rd uni essay
today. I hope it is for the better and I hope I addressed all the questions as
unlike what I’d say the vast majority of my class will be doing, I did not put
everything under headings. It just isn’t my style. I merged it all together
into one big thing that flows together nicely… I hope. I really do hope I
addressed every question, though having said that each of the 6 questions is
only worth 5% each, which means 70% is about other stuff? I don’t know. I just
didn’t have it in me to scour the rubric this time. I hope I got the
referencing right. I know that was part of my downfall last time. At least I
know the spelling and grammar are on point. I also hope to get bonus points for
using references outside the main reading materials and if it’s the same kind
of rubric as last time, which I imagine it is, points for speaking to some
things that might not have been spoken to in class. Anyway, as long as I get
over 50% I’m good and I can put it behind me and be done and dusted with … well
most of that stuff. There is stuff in that subject, even though I hated it,
that I can see is totally relevant to how I want to move forward being a
therapist and there are tools in there I am keen to use if the need arises.
Managed to get almost spot on my 200 lines for MT today too
after I got home from the face painting gig. So grateful for the face painting
gig. That money means so much to me! I don’t have it yet so hopefully they
don’t take forever to pay but when it comes it will help out so much. I would
like at least one gig each weekend I do not have my kids. I don’t think that is
too much to ask for. I will also take one gig on a weekend I do have the kids
if need be. I need some extra money! I am so grateful the Heat games are during
the summer uni holidays so I won’t have to be contending with uni stuff AND MT
As for food, I over ate chicken today because I really do love
that chicken that is all rolled up and boneless and surrounding stuff that I
would likely really enjoy if I was eating bread. Then I had a great dinner but
having said that, I did only have one OF today, so hopefully that makes up for
it. Also with all that exercise from dancing last night hopefully I have burned
off any excess I ate today. I really hope I get a good size loss this week. I’d
love to hit a 2kg loss again. Though my mid-week weigh-ins have not been
hopeful with me still sitting at 129 :/ I’ll be happy if I can be low 128 but I
would be super stoked to hit 127.something. Only two more days to find out and
I will try not to weigh tomorrow.
So today was a super win for me. Got shit done, made some money
and now I get to start delving into the new Uni subjects. I’m excited for these
even though it means having to step up and practice being an actual therapist
in BOTH subjects! Still, if I can just find a way to put my therapist/confident
hat on, I’ll rock the shit out of this because this kind of stuff is what I was
born to do. This is what has been calling me for so long and I really hope that
I can get a good career out of this that earns me so much money I will blow
Voldemort out of the water and make him wish he had actually fought for me and
he had actually had conversations with me about what happens after the kids are
older and supported me like I thought he would. My life as a therapist fucking
Today, I win.
So I did my lines, did the next draft of my essay and then got
to see Killing Heidi and Baby Animals live! Yew! I wish I had the money to get
out and live life more. If I had been a more supportive and communicative
marriage then by now I’d likely have my bachelor and be thinking about doing a
masters while working in the field and I’d have money to live a life, but I
didn’t have a supportive marriage. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. So I
struggle here trying to fit in full-time study with a job that pays fuck all
relying on a government payment that pays even less. One day my pretties, one
day I will have job I enjoy that pays a decent wage and I will get to go see
all the bands I want and I will get to go away for weekends with my kids and
holidays with my kids and it won’t matter that I wasn’t good enough to fight
for and to change for and to treat better.
I’m exhausted now and would probably have more to say about certain things but I need to get to sleep because I have more work tomorrow and a gig as well because I need all the money I can get for the next 2.5 years. Though there is always the dream that placement will yield me a part-time job that pays better and works around my uni 😀 #living the dream.
Today, I win.
Every single day this week since that really firm, strong,
determined, disciplined part of me came back I’ve been fighting almost
constantly all day listening to Jabba the Samm go on and on about having just a
second coffee and just a chocolate milk. That Jabba part of me is insidious and
she was beginning to win and normally once she got a hold of me it used to take
me a long time to pull myself up again and normally, she beats me down so bad
I’m eating horribly but this time… this time it didn’t last as long, only 4
weeks not 4 months or more and this time, I never got to the point of eating
really bad all the time. I still didn’t convert to biscuits or doughnuts or
pastries or pasta or a lot of bread. I still stayed relatively good and I
caught that insidious part of myself quickly and cut her off so now she is
mewling like a forlorn cat who wants to be fed, constant and consistent yet I’m
staying strong. I’m staying strong and that really deserves acknowledgement
because it’s not easy. It’s so easy to just give in and have a 2nd
coffee because that doesn’t seem so bad. It’s too easy to give in and have a
glass of milk with a tablespoon of Cadbury drinking chocolate powder because
that doesn’t seem to bad and from there it is too easy to just have some dark
chocolate coated super berries because that’s all good for you right? It’s too
easy to buy nuts to have to munch on through the day because nuts are good for
you right? Then one thing leads to another leads to another. Only I stopped it
this time because I have already come so far and I won’t let that progress be
destroyed. I really am determined to bring my body back to a healthier place.
When I’m sitting in front of a client suggesting they start with baby steps by
going for a 10 minute walk every day I want to be sitting across from them with
the results of my continued baby steps. This is just a bump in my road and it
was a smaller bump than ever. Plus, I gave myself my reward for losing the
first 10 kg so, I don’t get to put that weight back on because I’ve been
rewarded for it. It’s interesting too because a part of me though that I hadn’t
rewarded myself like I said I would and I felt like if I followed through that
might somehow help get me back on track and it really has.
So today I am still fighting the 2nd coffee call and
the mewling for a chocolate after dinner and I note this because I almost caved
today. With the coldness, one more coffee felt like such a good idea. The thing
that worries me most about this is my decision to fight is still unconscious,
which means my decision not to fight is still an unconscious one that I don’t
pick up on until it’s done or until I’ve been giving in for weeks and I want
that to change. I want to be more conscious of what is going on and more
conscious of when I win because today, today I won again. Today I won because I
have only had 2 x OF, 1 x coffee and my dinner and that is a big deal. That is
a big deal because I have a lot of weeks of doing this to go before I can give
in even once. Unlike a lot of people can and unlike a lot of ‘experts’ say, I
can’t have that cheat day. I can’t. Because one day leads to another leads to
another. I am an addict and that cheat day is like an alcoholic saying just one
drink won’t hurt. Well it does hurt. Because I am addicted to sugar. It’s as simple
as that. I don’t want to be addicted to it anymore, well no more than I am now
addicted to nicotine. So I can’t even have a cheat day. I can’t even have a
cheat meal. My cheat meals are like last night’s sausage, eggplant and tomato
casserole with mash potato. Mash potato is my cheat. And that is the way it has
to be. For now, maybe forever. I will get back to who I was before I fell into
Voldemort’s trap and maybe watching poor Rosanne being enticed by that sweet
smell that attracts the flies into the venus fly traps will help me stay on
track to becoming the me I was always meant to be, the me I could have been if
I’d had the right human beside me encouraging me not tearing me down,
supporting me not undermining me with their passive aggressive commentary
designed to manipulate and control me. There is nothing I can do for Rosanne
and I really hope he is better for her and she is good for him but there is
nothing I can do for her… but she can be good for me. She can be that constant
remind that I have made the right choice for me. She can be that constant
reminder that the only person who will ever love me the way I deserve is me.
She can remind me constantly to get back to who I am. I’ve got this.
I did so many MT lines today that I’m only 14 lines away from
getting the bonus 5% and seeing as I’ve pledged 500 lines tomorrow then I’ll
reach it and that makes me so happy. I’m pretty sure my average is good enough
to get the bonus money. Also with the helper incentive lines I’ve done my money
earned is already better than it normally would be. Sure it’s only about an
extra $20 but every dollar helps. So I did well with MTing today as well. Sure,
I spent the rest of the afternoon and night on the lounge crocheting and
watching Netflix but sometimes we deserve to just sit and chill out. Plus, I
really want to give my tendon time to heal adequately before I begin exercising
on it again. Also, I did a HIIT workout for the upper body that can just be
done in a chair that got my heartrate up to 150 bpm. So that’s an amazing
thing. If I can do that once a day it’ll be great for me too!
All in all, winning all over the place today! 😀
Well I managed what I think is a satisfactory 1st
draft of the essay and I think I’ve addressed every question to some point. I
also managed to get over 500 lines done in my helper login which is great
because I didn’t pledge any lines today so that will help me reach my bonus
line count this month I hope. Also, scored another face painting gig this
weekend which makes me super happy! Extra money and a weekend I don’t have the
kids. Voldemort finally deemed me worthy enough of an information email to let
me know I didn’t have to pick up the kids on Friday. That means I miss out on
seeing the kids which makes me sad but I’ll be going to see Killing Heidi and
Baby Animals live with my human that night so that’ll make me feel better 😀 So
excited! Haven’t gone to see a band in forever!!
I ate too much sausage and eggplant casserole tonight for
dinner because it was Bloodbowl night but other than eating too much of it I
still did good today. I am currently fighting myself to not have a chocolate
milk or coffee but I’ll make it I’m sure. Now it’s time to watch some TV until
Winning at life!
Another good OF day. Just the 2x OF, 1x coffee and dinner
and that’s all I’ve had all day when it comes to consumption. I’ve had a whole
1 litre of water and that could be more but really at the end of the day, which
is now, I’ve done really well.
Picked up the kids from school this arvo and when I was giving them a cuddle goodbye I said to Bee, ‘hopefully I’ll see you Friday.’ When I woke up this morning I was expecting a message telling me not to pick up the kids this afternoon but it wasn’t there. So this morning I knew. Just after they left here with Voldemort I got a message from Roar telling me I wouldn’t be seeing them Friday. I hate that so much. My deal was that I would still get to see them twice a week so when he takes away one of those days I feel robbed. I know I have attachment issues but keeping my kids away from me isn’t going to help with that, it actually makes it worse. So I’ve been feeling like shit ever since I got Roar’s message. She said he was going to email me, so I guess I wait for that. I expect it to arrive around 11 pm tonight, that’s normally when he sends his emails to me. I know it’s because he is taking his new partner and the kids away for the weekend. That will be at least twice now he’s taken her away for a weekend. Guess how many times he took me away for the weekend? One time for one of our anniversary’s and then we went away on a family holiday for a few days. In 10 years I got two trips away and in just one year he’s now going to have done it at least twice with her. It is just incredibly unfair that someone else gets the benefit of all the lessons I taught him. Why does someone else get to reap the benefits of my hard work, my time, my sacrifices and then I’m left here with no one? I begged and begged and begged for years to go away on family weekends. I begged and begged and begged him for his time and he never gave it me. Why wasn’t I good enough for that? What is so fucking wrong with me that I don’t deserve that? Well, at least my youngest kids get to reap the benefits and if nothing else at least this woman makes him a better human who treats the kids better when she’s around. It’s just not fair that he gets to have a good life instead of doing what needed to be done so that I was the one enjoying it to. He never once asked me if I wanted to go back to Uni one day or have a career, he just made all these assumptions about me without ever having a conversation and any time I wanted to have a conversation he bottled up and had the nerve to say I never had any fun to a therapist we were seeing. Maybe if my needs were met then I could’ve had more fun. I’m just so hurt and so angry and it is a heavy knot in my stomach. So yeah, there’s that. I’ve been feeling off ever since I read I wasn’t gonna get to see them Friday. It’s also incredibly wrong that he can’t just tell me as soon as he knows. I think he’s known this was the plan since at least last week. He’s such a fucking coward. I am not the person who can’t communicate, it is and always has been him.
Despite all that I’ve still not succumb to the part of my
brain that has been asking for a 2nd coffee or a chocolate milk. So
I win today.
So today marks the first day of week 17 and I admit I have
been non-compliant for weeks now. Pretty much since camp. Camp shook things
loose and I have been struggling on a number of levels since. I acknowledge
that and I acknowledge that it is time to reign this out-of-control wagon in
and step back into the power I seemed to have lost somewhere along the way. I
weighed in at 129.1 kgs today, that’s another 300 gram gain instead of a loss
and that means for this month of May I’ve only lost 100 grams. 100 grams.
That’s it. That is fucking devastating. So whatever the fuck got shook up at
camp needs to either heal or since back down into the sediment because I’m done
fuckarsing around again. I’m not going to stop all the amazing progress I’ve
made so far. I’m down to only a 12.4 kg loss. I got my 10 kg loss reward so
it’s sticking and now I want to reach the next 10 kg reward. When I reach a 20
kg loss I will get my nose pierced again so I will have a double nose ring. As
it stands, I have 7.6 kg to go and I’m going to get rid of that within the next
I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m so sad about this and
also angry that I have … it’s like there is this part of me that has stopped
being conscious. I mean, I wanted to write that I’ve stopped being conscious
but really I’ve been conscious of my decisions. I’ve been quite conscious and
eaten what I’ve been eating anyway and it’s time to stop. It’s like that really
strong and determined part of me was tied and gagged and now it’s time for me
to set her loose again and I can feel her here with me again and it’s time,
it’s time to reign again. I will not gain what I have lost because I
intentionally set out to lose it and I am glad I have lost it. I rejoice that I
have lost it. I have a long way to go still and dwelling here where I am is not
going to help with that. I still have so much fucking pain over Voldemort and
that whole situation and it keeps hurting every time he does something with her
or treats her in a way he never treated me and it’s not fair but I won’t let
that punish me anymore. It needs to strengthen me. He doesn’t get to fucking
win! He has destroyed me enough, he does not get to keep doing it. I won’t
allow it. I’m happy for her, that he learned from me, that I taught him how to
be a better human and better partner and I hope he is for her I really do
because she seems nice and she definitely doesn’t deserve who he is at his core
so I hope she makes him a better person every step of the way and he remembers
his lessons learned from me and remains a better person for her… and for her
kid… and for MY kids.
So whatever that strong part of me was that had eased into
the background, I invoke thee forward again because this is going to happen. In
June my minimum loss is going to be 4kg. I know that part of me is back because
I’m fighting in my mind again. I really don’t know how to describe it. It’s
like that voice disappeared or became weak so instead of being a firm NO you
will not have a chocolate milk after dinner or a NO you will not eat that
chocolate covered liquorice it became a you probably shouldn’t but meh
whatever. Well, it needs to be a NO again. It needs to be because for whatever
reason my body only responds to extreme discipline, so that is what it gets.
Which happens to be why I have a headache right now I imagine. I have been
fighting myself since after lunch. My mind, that Jabba the Samm has been
jabbering away in my head almost constantly wanting me to have milk have milk
have milk because it knew that is the only thing non-compliant I have here, so
have another coffee, have a chocolate milk, go to the shops and get something
that’s not bad but isn’t good and I’ve said no, no, no, no and no again. To the
point where all I’ve had today is my two OFs, my one coffee and dinner. I feel
like I’m back at day one again and my internal fat bitch is having a very big
hissy fit but that’s good, because if she’s having a hissy fit, that means I
really am winning today. I hope I can do it again and again and again. I’m
gonna make this week a big loss week.
Today… I fucking won again for the first time in awhile.
Didn’t really have a good food day again today. Ate almost a
whole bag of plain doritoes plus 2x subway cookies and a chocolate milk. I
mean, that’s not a bad day either for normal people with normal metabolisms but
for someone as big as me wanting to stop being as big as I am with a shitty
arse metabolism… that’s not really a good day. And right before weigh-in day
too. So I dread to see what the scales say tomorrow. I haven’t stepped on them
all week, no mid-week weigh-in because I simply do not want to know. I mean,
I’m still having 2x OF a day but I know my dinners are too much, I should only
be eating half as much and every time I eat something that isn’t OF or my
salady dinner I know I’m not doing myself any favours.
I had a productive day though. The kids helped me thoroughly
clean the loungeroom. Lifted and moved all the pieces of the lounge and
vacuumed under them, sorted out some of the bookshelves, ditched Bella’s old
kitty shitty and renewed all that for her and mopped the laundry, toilet and
bathroom floors, did a load of laundry, brought in a load of laundry, put away
clothes, got some of the next essay done, got a couple rounds of my crochet
blanket done, did art with the kids, feel like I had a super productive day. My
lip is still feeling good too, so bonus points for that. Have still managed not
to aggravate it and I feel like it’s healing well. I think it’s even in line
horizontally so that’s great.
So today I won. Today has been a good day.
I had a pretty good day. Got a start on the next essay and
got to go to the drive-in with my sister and my youngest kids to see 10 things
I hate about you so I can now say I’ve seen that on the big screen. Really do
love that movie.
As for food, not so good really. I’ve had my 2 OF, I had 2
cups of coffee and I had a whole tin of pringles and will eat a cherry ripe
before bed too and potentially more chips. So that isn’t a good day. Got stuck
in traffic on the way home and for what? I’m not sure. They had us going maybe
2km/hour for the longest time and then we got faster back up to 100 km/hr and
then we slowed back down again and got off the motorway. I think they fucked up
and had us going super slow for ages for no damn reason which annoys the shit
out of me because 1, it was late and I wanted to get home so the kids could go
to bed and 2, I had fuck-all petrol. I literally rolled into the petrol station
on zero fuel.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day. It’s nice to have a life
outside the house every now and then but I really do love being home. I doubt
I’ll go into the city for the die-in at the museum tomorrow. I really want to
get this stupid essay mostly done, plus I should probably read through the
other one last time and submit it. Today may not have been a good ‘food’ day
but it was still a pretty good day.