127.2 kg bitches! 😀 Yeap, got what I was hoping for. And then what did I do? I have my kids this week, went shopping, bought them lots of fun stuff to eat and had a cookie :/ Fuck my life. But, it’s just one cookie and that is all the treat I will allow myself this week because when I am strict, even though it’s hard, I win. I reach my goal if I stick with unwavering determination to it. So that is what I need to do. Jabba the Samm has been mewling all fucking afternoon for coffee and chocolate milk and man that cookie… but that’s it. The kids get to eat the rest of the things that were bought because I do not eat that shit anymore because I lost 1.9 kg this week by being strong and that’s what I need. I need to lose 1.9 kg every single week this month so I can get back on track for my 1 kg average loss. That will get me back on track for being under 100 kg by my son’s 9^th b’day. That is my goal for this year. That is my aim.

Maybe giving myself my lip piercing reward really did help. Next goal, under 120 kg and I’ll get my 2^nd nose piercing. Then under 110 kg and I’ll get my daith piercing. Then under 100 kg and I’ll get my double shark bites, then under 90 kg and I’ll get my 3^rd nose piercing. Then under 80 kg and I’ll get my flat done and then under 70 kg and I’ll get myself a subdermal, then under 60 I’ll get my full leg tattoo. I think that’s pretty good rewards lol.

Got 900 MT lines done today. Almost 400 of them at the higher rate. This is good because I worked out I need to do a minimum of 300 extra lines a day to meet the bonus line count this month. So over the 16 working days I have, I need to make an extra 4800 lines. I managed an extra 400 today, only 4400 to go to get the bonus 5% hah. Man, one day, this struggle will be a memory and I will be earning enough money AND helping people at the same time, doing something I love and helping others tap into their own creativity and source for healing. So other than the cookie today, I win.

Ok, so I’ve had a really good and strict week this week. Seriously. Nothing but 2 x OF each day and dinner each day. There hasn’t been a single extra anything despite Jabba the Samm mewling in the corner of my brain, so I better have a good loss this week. I’m really hoping to see 127 on the scales tomorrow. I’m ready to hit the 1teens so let’s get this shit done!

Had a good food day and I read all the readings for the first week of the arts subject. Now I’m onto the readings for the Integrative subject. I’m hoping to get week 2 done for both subject before Uni starts up again so I can be a week ahead of all the readings. I really hope my note taking and organisation of what I’m learning this time helps it be easier to do the essays next holidays!!

Even did a small journey down to Ereshkigal to leave some more of my grief there. I didn’t quite make it all the way up to he Upperworld on my way back but still pretty close, so I’m good. I’m still all sorts of angry that some other woman is reaping the benefits of all my hard work and sacrifice and I am still hopeful she is treated better than I ever was and is supported. I don’t know that I will ever trust another human enough again to reap the hard work and sacrifices of some other woman or man but I am used to being alone in this world. Having only myself to rely on and blame. So I’m good.

Today, I won.

For better or for worse I submitted my 3^rd uni essay today. I hope it is for the better and I hope I addressed all the questions as unlike what I’d say the vast majority of my class will be doing, I did not put everything under headings. It just isn’t my style. I merged it all together into one big thing that flows together nicely… I hope. I really do hope I addressed every question, though having said that each of the 6 questions is only worth 5% each, which means 70% is about other stuff? I don’t know. I just didn’t have it in me to scour the rubric this time. I hope I got the referencing right. I know that was part of my downfall last time. At least I know the spelling and grammar are on point. I also hope to get bonus points for using references outside the main reading materials and if it’s the same kind of rubric as last time, which I imagine it is, points for speaking to some things that might not have been spoken to in class. Anyway, as long as I get over 50% I’m good and I can put it behind me and be done and dusted with … well most of that stuff. There is stuff in that subject, even though I hated it, that I can see is totally relevant to how I want to move forward being a therapist and there are tools in there I am keen to use if the need arises.

Managed to get almost spot on my 200 lines for MT today too after I got home from the face painting gig. So grateful for the face painting gig. That money means so much to me! I don’t have it yet so hopefully they don’t take forever to pay but when it comes it will help out so much. I would like at least one gig each weekend I do not have my kids. I don’t think that is too much to ask for. I will also take one gig on a weekend I do have the kids if need be. I need some extra money! I am so grateful the Heat games are during the summer uni holidays so I won’t have to be contending with uni stuff AND MT AND FP!

As for food, I over ate chicken today because I really do love that chicken that is all rolled up and boneless and surrounding stuff that I would likely really enjoy if I was eating bread. Then I had a great dinner but having said that, I did only have one OF today, so hopefully that makes up for it. Also with all that exercise from dancing last night hopefully I have burned off any excess I ate today. I really hope I get a good size loss this week. I’d love to hit a 2kg loss again. Though my mid-week weigh-ins have not been hopeful with me still sitting at 129 :/ I’ll be happy if I can be low 128 but I would be super stoked to hit 127.something. Only two more days to find out and I will try not to weigh tomorrow.

So today was a super win for me. Got shit done, made some money and now I get to start delving into the new Uni subjects. I’m excited for these even though it means having to step up and practice being an actual therapist in BOTH subjects! Still, if I can just find a way to put my therapist/confident hat on, I’ll rock the shit out of this because this kind of stuff is what I was born to do. This is what has been calling me for so long and I really hope that I can get a good career out of this that earns me so much money I will blow Voldemort out of the water and make him wish he had actually fought for me and he had actually had conversations with me about what happens after the kids are older and supported me like I thought he would. My life as a therapist fucking rocks!

Today, I win.

So I did my lines, did the next draft of my essay and then got to see Killing Heidi and Baby Animals live! Yew! I wish I had the money to get out and live life more. If I had been a more supportive and communicative marriage then by now I’d likely have my bachelor and be thinking about doing a masters while working in the field and I’d have money to live a life, but I didn’t have a supportive marriage. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. So I struggle here trying to fit in full-time study with a job that pays fuck all relying on a government payment that pays even less. One day my pretties, one day I will have job I enjoy that pays a decent wage and I will get to go see all the bands I want and I will get to go away for weekends with my kids and holidays with my kids and it won’t matter that I wasn’t good enough to fight for and to change for and to treat better.

I’m exhausted now and would probably have more to say about certain things but I need to get to sleep because I have more work tomorrow and a gig as well because I need all the money I can get for the next 2.5 years. Though there is always the dream that placement will yield me a part-time job that pays better and works around my uni 😀 #living the dream.

Today, I win.

Every single day this week since that really firm, strong, determined, disciplined part of me came back I’ve been fighting almost constantly all day listening to Jabba the Samm go on and on about having just a second coffee and just a chocolate milk. That Jabba part of me is insidious and she was beginning to win and normally once she got a hold of me it used to take me a long time to pull myself up again and normally, she beats me down so bad I’m eating horribly but this time… this time it didn’t last as long, only 4 weeks not 4 months or more and this time, I never got to the point of eating really bad all the time. I still didn’t convert to biscuits or doughnuts or pastries or pasta or a lot of bread. I still stayed relatively good and I caught that insidious part of myself quickly and cut her off so now she is mewling like a forlorn cat who wants to be fed, constant and consistent yet I’m staying strong. I’m staying strong and that really deserves acknowledgement because it’s not easy. It’s so easy to just give in and have a 2^nd coffee because that doesn’t seem so bad. It’s too easy to give in and have a glass of milk with a tablespoon of Cadbury drinking chocolate powder because that doesn’t seem to bad and from there it is too easy to just have some dark chocolate coated super berries because that’s all good for you right? It’s too easy to buy nuts to have to munch on through the day because nuts are good for you right? Then one thing leads to another leads to another. Only I stopped it this time because I have already come so far and I won’t let that progress be destroyed. I really am determined to bring my body back to a healthier place. When I’m sitting in front of a client suggesting they start with baby steps by going for a 10 minute walk every day I want to be sitting across from them with the results of my continued baby steps. This is just a bump in my road and it was a smaller bump than ever. Plus, I gave myself my reward for losing the first 10 kg so, I don’t get to put that weight back on because I’ve been rewarded for it. It’s interesting too because a part of me though that I hadn’t rewarded myself like I said I would and I felt like if I followed through that might somehow help get me back on track and it really has.

So today I am still fighting the 2^nd coffee call and the mewling for a chocolate after dinner and I note this because I almost caved today. With the coldness, one more coffee felt like such a good idea. The thing that worries me most about this is my decision to fight is still unconscious, which means my decision not to fight is still an unconscious one that I don’t pick up on until it’s done or until I’ve been giving in for weeks and I want that to change. I want to be more conscious of what is going on and more conscious of when I win because today, today I won again. Today I won because I have only had 2 x OF, 1 x coffee and my dinner and that is a big deal. That is a big deal because I have a lot of weeks of doing this to go before I can give in even once. Unlike a lot of people can and unlike a lot of ‘experts’ say, I can’t have that cheat day. I can’t. Because one day leads to another leads to another. I am an addict and that cheat day is like an alcoholic saying just one drink won’t hurt. Well it does hurt. Because I am addicted to sugar. It’s as simple as that. I don’t want to be addicted to it anymore, well no more than I am now addicted to nicotine. So I can’t even have a cheat day. I can’t even have a cheat meal. My cheat meals are like last night’s sausage, eggplant and tomato casserole with mash potato. Mash potato is my cheat. And that is the way it has to be. For now, maybe forever. I will get back to who I was before I fell into Voldemort’s trap and maybe watching poor Rosanne being enticed by that sweet smell that attracts the flies into the venus fly traps will help me stay on track to becoming the me I was always meant to be, the me I could have been if I’d had the right human beside me encouraging me not tearing me down, supporting me not undermining me with their passive aggressive commentary designed to manipulate and control me. There is nothing I can do for Rosanne and I really hope he is better for her and she is good for him but there is nothing I can do for her… but she can be good for me. She can be that constant remind that I have made the right choice for me. She can be that constant reminder that the only person who will ever love me the way I deserve is me. She can remind me constantly to get back to who I am. I’ve got this.

I did so many MT lines today that I’m only 14 lines away from getting the bonus 5% and seeing as I’ve pledged 500 lines tomorrow then I’ll reach it and that makes me so happy. I’m pretty sure my average is good enough to get the bonus money. Also with the helper incentive lines I’ve done my money earned is already better than it normally would be. Sure it’s only about an extra $20 but every dollar helps. So I did well with MTing today as well. Sure, I spent the rest of the afternoon and night on the lounge crocheting and watching Netflix but sometimes we deserve to just sit and chill out. Plus, I really want to give my tendon time to heal adequately before I begin exercising on it again. Also, I did a HIIT workout for the upper body that can just be done in a chair that got my heartrate up to 150 bpm. So that’s an amazing thing. If I can do that once a day it’ll be great for me too!

All in all, winning all over the place today! 😀

Well I managed what I think is a satisfactory 1^st draft of the essay and I think I’ve addressed every question to some point. I also managed to get over 500 lines done in my helper login which is great because I didn’t pledge any lines today so that will help me reach my bonus line count this month I hope. Also, scored another face painting gig this weekend which makes me super happy! Extra money and a weekend I don’t have the kids. Voldemort finally deemed me worthy enough of an information email to let me know I didn’t have to pick up the kids on Friday. That means I miss out on seeing the kids which makes me sad but I’ll be going to see Killing Heidi and Baby Animals live with my human that night so that’ll make me feel better 😀 So excited! Haven’t gone to see a band in forever!!

I ate too much sausage and eggplant casserole tonight for dinner because it was Bloodbowl night but other than eating too much of it I still did good today. I am currently fighting myself to not have a chocolate milk or coffee but I’ll make it I’m sure. Now it’s time to watch some TV until bedtime!

Winning at life!

DAY 118

Another good OF day. Just the 2x OF, 1x coffee and dinner and that’s all I’ve had all day when it comes to consumption. I’ve had a whole 1 litre of water and that could be more but really at the end of the day, which is now, I’ve done really well.

Picked up the kids from school this arvo and when I was giving them a cuddle goodbye I said to Bee, ‘hopefully I’ll see you Friday.’ When I woke up this morning I was expecting a message telling me not to pick up the kids this afternoon but it wasn’t there. So this morning I knew. Just after they left here with Voldemort I got a message from Roar telling me I wouldn’t be seeing them Friday. I hate that so much. My deal was that I would still get to see them twice a week so when he takes away one of those days I feel robbed. I know I have attachment issues but keeping my kids away from me isn’t going to help with that, it actually makes it worse. So I’ve been feeling like shit ever since I got Roar’s message. She said he was going to email me, so I guess I wait for that. I expect it to arrive around 11 pm tonight, that’s normally when he sends his emails to me. I know it’s because he is taking his new partner and the kids away for the weekend. That will be at least twice now he’s taken her away for a weekend. Guess how many times he took me away for the weekend? One time for one of our anniversary’s and then we went away on a family holiday for a few days. In 10 years I got two trips away and in just one year he’s now going to have done it at least twice with her. It is just incredibly unfair that someone else gets the benefit of all the lessons I taught him. Why does someone else get to reap the benefits of my hard work, my time, my sacrifices and then I’m left here with no one? I begged and begged and begged for years to go away on family weekends. I begged and begged and begged him for his time and he never gave it me. Why wasn’t I good enough for that? What is so fucking wrong with me that I don’t deserve that? Well, at least my youngest kids get to reap the benefits and if nothing else at least this woman makes him a better human who treats the kids better when she’s around. It’s just not fair that he gets to have a good life instead of doing what needed to be done so that I was the one enjoying it to. He never once asked me if I wanted to go back to Uni one day or have a career, he just made all these assumptions about me without ever having a conversation and any time I wanted to have a conversation he bottled up and had the nerve to say I never had any fun to a therapist we were seeing. Maybe if my needs were met then I could’ve had more fun. I’m just so hurt and so angry and it is a heavy knot in my stomach. So yeah, there’s that. I’ve been feeling off ever since I read I wasn’t gonna get to see them Friday. It’s also incredibly wrong that he can’t just tell me as soon as he knows. I think he’s known this was the plan since at least last week. He’s such a fucking coward. I am not the person who can’t communicate, it is and always has been him.

Despite all that I’ve still not succumb to the part of my brain that has been asking for a 2^nd coffee or a chocolate milk. So I win today.

So today marks the first day of week 17 and I admit I have been non-compliant for weeks now. Pretty much since camp. Camp shook things loose and I have been struggling on a number of levels since. I acknowledge that and I acknowledge that it is time to reign this out-of-control wagon in and step back into the power I seemed to have lost somewhere along the way. I weighed in at 129.1 kgs today, that’s another 300 gram gain instead of a loss and that means for this month of May I’ve only lost 100 grams. 100 grams. That’s it. That is fucking devastating. So whatever the fuck got shook up at camp needs to either heal or since back down into the sediment because I’m done fuckarsing around again. I’m not going to stop all the amazing progress I’ve made so far. I’m down to only a 12.4 kg loss. I got my 10 kg loss reward so it’s sticking and now I want to reach the next 10 kg reward. When I reach a 20 kg loss I will get my nose pierced again so I will have a double nose ring. As it stands, I have 7.6 kg to go and I’m going to get rid of that within the next 2 months.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m so sad about this and also angry that I have … it’s like there is this part of me that has stopped being conscious. I mean, I wanted to write that I’ve stopped being conscious but really I’ve been conscious of my decisions. I’ve been quite conscious and eaten what I’ve been eating anyway and it’s time to stop. It’s like that really strong and determined part of me was tied and gagged and now it’s time for me to set her loose again and I can feel her here with me again and it’s time, it’s time to reign again. I will not gain what I have lost because I intentionally set out to lose it and I am glad I have lost it. I rejoice that I have lost it. I have a long way to go still and dwelling here where I am is not going to help with that. I still have so much fucking pain over Voldemort and that whole situation and it keeps hurting every time he does something with her or treats her in a way he never treated me and it’s not fair but I won’t let that punish me anymore. It needs to strengthen me. He doesn’t get to fucking win! He has destroyed me enough, he does not get to keep doing it. I won’t allow it. I’m happy for her, that he learned from me, that I taught him how to be a better human and better partner and I hope he is for her I really do because she seems nice and she definitely doesn’t deserve who he is at his core so I hope she makes him a better person every step of the way and he remembers his lessons learned from me and remains a better person for her… and for her kid… and for MY kids.

So whatever that strong part of me was that had eased into the background, I invoke thee forward again because this is going to happen. In June my minimum loss is going to be 4kg. I know that part of me is back because I’m fighting in my mind again. I really don’t know how to describe it. It’s like that voice disappeared or became weak so instead of being a firm NO you will not have a chocolate milk after dinner or a NO you will not eat that chocolate covered liquorice it became a you probably shouldn’t but meh whatever. Well, it needs to be a NO again. It needs to be because for whatever reason my body only responds to extreme discipline, so that is what it gets. Which happens to be why I have a headache right now I imagine. I have been fighting myself since after lunch. My mind, that Jabba the Samm has been jabbering away in my head almost constantly wanting me to have milk have milk have milk because it knew that is the only thing non-compliant I have here, so have another coffee, have a chocolate milk, go to the shops and get something that’s not bad but isn’t good and I’ve said no, no, no, no and no again. To the point where all I’ve had today is my two OFs, my one coffee and dinner. I feel like I’m back at day one again and my internal fat bitch is having a very big hissy fit but that’s good, because if she’s having a hissy fit, that means I really am winning today. I hope I can do it again and again and again. I’m gonna make this week a big loss week.

Today… I fucking won again for the first time in awhile.

Didn’t really have a good food day again today. Ate almost a whole bag of plain doritoes plus 2x subway cookies and a chocolate milk. I mean, that’s not a bad day either for normal people with normal metabolisms but for someone as big as me wanting to stop being as big as I am with a shitty arse metabolism… that’s not really a good day. And right before weigh-in day too. So I dread to see what the scales say tomorrow. I haven’t stepped on them all week, no mid-week weigh-in because I simply do not want to know. I mean, I’m still having 2x OF a day but I know my dinners are too much, I should only be eating half as much and every time I eat something that isn’t OF or my salady dinner I know I’m not doing myself any favours.

I had a productive day though. The kids helped me thoroughly clean the loungeroom. Lifted and moved all the pieces of the lounge and vacuumed under them, sorted out some of the bookshelves, ditched Bella’s old kitty shitty and renewed all that for her and mopped the laundry, toilet and bathroom floors, did a load of laundry, brought in a load of laundry, put away clothes, got some of the next essay done, got a couple rounds of my crochet blanket done, did art with the kids, feel like I had a super productive day. My lip is still feeling good too, so bonus points for that. Have still managed not to aggravate it and I feel like it’s healing well. I think it’s even in line horizontally so that’s great.

So today I won. Today has been a good day.

I had a pretty good day. Got a start on the next essay and got to go to the drive-in with my sister and my youngest kids to see 10 things I hate about you so I can now say I’ve seen that on the big screen. Really do love that movie.

As for food, not so good really. I’ve had my 2 OF, I had 2 cups of coffee and I had a whole tin of pringles and will eat a cherry ripe before bed too and potentially more chips. So that isn’t a good day. Got stuck in traffic on the way home and for what? I’m not sure. They had us going maybe 2km/hour for the longest time and then we got faster back up to 100 km/hr and then we slowed back down again and got off the motorway. I think they fucked up and had us going super slow for ages for no damn reason which annoys the shit out of me because 1, it was late and I wanted to get home so the kids could go to bed and 2, I had fuck-all petrol. I literally rolled into the petrol station on zero fuel.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. It’s nice to have a life outside the house every now and then but I really do love being home. I doubt I’ll go into the city for the die-in at the museum tomorrow. I really want to get this stupid essay mostly done, plus I should probably read through the other one last time and submit it. Today may not have been a good ‘food’ day but it was still a pretty good day.