I feel like lately I’m getting worse and worse, lest strict, and making excuses or compensating. Like today I ate a whole pack of those twiggy stick meat things and to justify that, I didn’t have an OF for lunch, but a whole pack of twiggy sticks is like 600 calories and the OF is only 201. I had a good dinner but I haven’t done my 5500 steps today either. I feel like this stuff is happening more and more and so I’m worrying that it’s starting to slip and slide and that I’m going to find myself off track again soon.

Has my motivation waned? How do I get another dose of that? If it’s not that, then what is my motivation? There’s nothing else strong enough. I guess it’s hard to sustain that deep desire when there’s nothing pressing on your mind. I’m certainly not doing it for myself or for my health. I’m not doing it for my kids. I don’t know. I mean, I’m not completely off the wagon, I’m still very much on it and I am loving losing weight and maybe this slipping and sliding is okay and it’s not going to snowball and I will continue on. I hope I continue on because I really want to be at least under 100 kgs before I have to meet her.

Really, other than the twiggy sticks though – which is just fake meat with no gluten at least – I did ok today. I needed to feed my brain anyway after all the damn reading for Uni which I still have a veritable shit tonne of left to do. Plus I have to clean the damn house tomorrow.

Today, I didn’t win out right, but I didn’t lose either.

40 days I have now been doing this and I have to admit, today was a slacker. I didn’t have 3 shakes today, just two, I ate a bunch of popcorn and had a bunch of mnm’s and my dinner was mostly just cheese and a couple salady things. So, I didn’t do a good job today. Having said that, roughly, my caloric intake was still in a good range and I walked up all those damn steps again and down the steps. So I’m hoping I did a good lot of burning to make up with my not so good eating today.

The four hours at LA went so quick and I feel worried that I didn’t do well enough. I hope I did. It would be interesting to have a job there and earn better money and perhaps have more time to study and/or play. I had thought maybe I could still do 200 lines of MT 5 days a week with OzeScribe but after coming home today after just 4 hours, I just couldn’t sit here and do the 500 lines I needed to do.

I’m still so torn about the whole thing.

She said she would call me on Monday. I will try not to think about that. I have a whole weekend of study and cleaning ahead of me and I need to make up for the lines I didn’t get finished today.

Today, I don’t feel like I won so much when it came to the releasing of fat journey but today was one day and tomorrow is another, so tomorrow, I will win… I hope.

So I missed yesterday. Not on purpose. I was just so tired I missed a lot of shit. I actually didn’t turn my PC on all day yesterday so there was no reminder to do blog or even my food log yesterday. I’m all caught up with the food log though I did miss yesterday and I couldn’t be arsed doing a separate post for it so it will get lumped in tonight.

Yesterday was a full uni day and it was the juicy stuff I really love and why I was drawn to doing the course to begin with. It was a good day for sure. The only downside to it was that I fell and I fell hard. The ground was slightly uneven which rolled my ankle and had me land pretty hard on the ground. So hard I am pretty sure I bounced. I have no doubt it would have looked fucking hilarious but I must have hit hard enough to cause concern because the bus driver slowed down and stopped the bus to make sure I was alright although the guy walking in front of me turned around to help. I didn’t need it or want it but it was nice that he did, it was nice that if I actually needed help that I had it, like if I’d broken my ankle then I would have had people to help. Embarrassing but grateful there are good humans in the world. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking, I was too busy trying to get out my gocard and stuff my purse back in my bag and get to the stupid train on time. So I hobbled my way to the station after that, thankfully I wasn’t too far from it. My ankle of course swelled up like a fucking water balloon and was aching like crazy. Getting from the train back to my car was hell.

It meant I couldn’t do anything when I got home. I just sat on the lounge, hung with the kids, ate my salad and went to be really early because I was flat out exhausted. I fell asleep really quickly despite my impending job interview or whatever it was today.

I woke up before the alarm too, which is great. If I start working at this place I’m going to have to learn to get up early and go to bed earlier, even though it turns out I have to do morning and night shifts to share the load, which screams ridiculous to me, why do that to your body? Shift work sucks. But it just means when I do late shift I have to try to wind down enough to get to sleep quicker cause I won’t get home until pretty much bedtime on that week. The interview, or whatever it was, went well. Despite my sore ankle I walked around just fine. I had called in the archangels, my angels and allies to help me heal my ankle as much as possible last night and I slept with it constantly raised no matter which side I was sleeping on and I also set my reiki to work on it through the night too, so I think all of that combined helped.

I got a 4 hour trial of working for these people tomorrow so I hope my typing speed is up to scratch and I can kick out some quick and super accurate files for them and I blow their mind with my mad skills and I get to actually earn an hourly wage in the process, so that is great. I’m pretty sure I have the job as long as I want it after tomorrow provided I do a good job. I hope they take a lot of things into account, like they are giving me unfamiliar specialities and these will be brand new dictators and also I don’t know their style guide or anything like that. I will learn quickly and I do type quickly, I just hope they take all of that into account because I think having this job will be great. I think I could potentially still do 1000 lines a week for Oze as well as this new job, as well as full-time uni as well as my face painting and somehow find time to … you know… live. Maybe?

I have to walk up a shit load of stairs to get to them too, but I actually really love that! It will be a great calorie burner and fitness thing. If I do end up working for them when I have my lunch break I think I’ll drink my shake and then go down and up the stairs again just for the hell of it.

It was interesting yesterday actually, I wanted to note here, that after I hurt myself my brain started yabbering on about how I hurt myself so I needed comfort food and how carbs are the best comfort food so I needed to get some bread into me. I didn’t but it was interesting to notice that was where my brain went. It leapt on me hurting myself as, what it thought was, a valid excuse to eat badly. My brain realised fairly quickly that I wasn’t going to take this as a valid excuse to eat poorly and gave up, which is great because it meant it didn’t last long, the yabbering. So yesterday was a good food/eating better day and today has been too.

Though, today I DID have a slurpee and a couple of m&ms. But I’m ok with that because I did over 8000 steps today and that set of stairs, plus the train station stairs, were a good workout that raised my heartrate nice and good, so I feel like having those sugary things, while they took me out of ketosis, was still overall ok and I do not think it will be detrimental to my overall removal of weight journey that I’m on.

So despite my lapse in zero sugar, I still won! Two days in a row, I still won.

I’m tired and… well tired. My tired is tired. My tired tired’s tired is tired. I didn’t sleep well last night, it took me forever to fall asleep so I only had about 4 hours, then to spend half the day in class with people and trying to comprehend shit and learn shit… I’m just so very tired. Then I have tomorrow and the next day of stressful shit and out of the house shit. I am so looking forward to Friday where I just get to be home all day other than driving the kids around, though I might take them for a swim at the Lagoon. Well the Beester I might, Miss Roar is off galavanting around the city with her friend.

I notice when I’m this tired I’m less likely to give a fuck about how/what I’m eating. I mean, I didn’t fall off the wagon but my foot was definitely dragging along the ground. I almost had a slurpee but instead I drank half a big bottle of aloe vera juice. I know aloe is good for you and all but with how sweet it tastes, I don’t know that it’s THAT good. Yes, the first sugary thing in it is fructose, so there isn’t even any of the nasty sugar, but still there is sugar in there and I really need to not consume sugar. Of course, when I’m tired, that’s all I bloody well want.

Then of course, being Tuesday, I have to do my MT work as well. So I’ve only just finished right before bed time. I got a lot more lines than I pledged and that is great because more lines means more money but fuck I can barely concentrate and it’s giving me a headache. I worry that I’m going to end up sick except I’m an exceptionally healthy person, it’s genetic, I can’t help it lol.

I’m in two minds about this job I’m interviewing for on Thursday. It’s quite a perfect fit for me but it means leaving the house at like 5.20 … IN THE FUCKING MORNING! I’m not a morning person :/ Holy fucking shit. If it turns out I get it I’m gonna have to start getting up 15 minutes early every three days and trying to go to bed 15 minutes earlier every three days. It’s the going to bed part I’ll struggle with. Firstly, getting to bed before 11 but then when I do, actually getting to sleep! Oh well, it’s with the Universe. I’m going in and I’m going to give them what I have and if I get the job great, if I don’t then thems the breaks and I continue to struggle with Oze instead.

Other than the aloe vera juice though, all in all, today, I won.

Really not feeling like typing anything today. I feel like my time is shortening exponentially and I am struggling to justify finding the time to do this but I will because I made the commitment and even on the days where it’s not a struggle and nothing much has happened I’m committed to logging my journey of a billion sweat drops releasing excess fat from my body. Having said that, today actually is something to write about I guess. I just realised how easy the shopping was today. I mean, it wasn’t super easy, I still eyed the fizzy drink, I still caved and got myself some aloe vera juice under the guise that it’s not all bad for me but there wasn’t even a second thought about biscuits or chocolate. Making the kids their hotdogs was only difficult tonight because I was super hungry and shoving bread into my gob is a quick fix but the fight to not grab some bread and shove it in my mouth was really short lived. Though I did notice how, unthinkingly, I almost just did it before my brain had a chance to say no. So I guess it’s a good reminder that Samma-the-hut is always sitting there waiting for an opportunity and biding her time. Especially on days like today where there is bread for the taking. But I didn’t. I made my salad and put in the sausages and I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t a chore to eat salad. I really do love the taste and the textures.

Plus, I guess, today is a celebration day because weigh-in day and I am down another 1.1 kg giving me, for the first day of week 6, an exact 6 kg loss! That is a great effort for 5 weeks worth of work and I deserve to celebrate that and praise myself for that. Also, the fact that I’m not done yet and I know I’m not done yet. I am starting to have a little bit more faith in myself like maybe, just maybe I can pull it off this time. If I was say 60 kgs a 6 kg drop would make a HUGE difference. So it can get difficult for me to celebrate the large loss because I’m so big that you can’t really see the difference at all. I mean, my sister saw me just last Thursday and didn’t even notice a difference at all. At least not enough of a difference to say anything. It wasn’t until I showed her the Day 1 photo next to the Day 36 photo:

I’m so glad I’m taking daily selfies. Because days like today where I have accomplished a 6 kg drop and I am not noticing it, it’s good to put the comparison side-by-side and really see the differences. See how my nose has shrunk, my face is more narrow, I have more of a neck again and you can see the crease instead of it being a roll of fat and how I actually have a chin now. Just the smallest and most subtle changes but they made such a huge difference to my mood to be able to look and SEE the difference. Because when it comes to my body, I’m not noticing a change. The clothes I wear all still fit the way they should and the rolls of fat and the bulges are still all in the same spots and I still feel my body in a very substantial way. I am still aware that I have to be conscious of my fat arse because if I turn suddenly my arse has the ability to knock someone flat on their arse. I’m still aware of how much more space I need than someone else to squeeze past someone or something without knocking it over. So it’s really nice to see a difference in my face. I am super happy about it and it helps keep me motivated. Other than the fact that by the time I meet Rosanne I want to look hotter than her, the fact I’m actually losing weight this time is really motivating. I really do want to get back to who I was before I let another human have so much power over me.

So today, today I fucking won.

Nothing special about today. It wasn’t hard to stay on track, no grocery store visits. Didn’t even leave the house. I will soon for my nightly walk but otherwise I’ve been in all day studying and hopefully learning how to learn faster and remember better. I have a good memory as it is so I hope this makes me remember even better. It should, it cost me a lot of money but I see it as an investment. An investment in my future, in a better life for me and the kids and in the kids futures. If I get really good benefit from this course then I can pass the techniques on to my kids and they will be their best selves as well.

All-in-all today was an easy day, so there isn’t anything to write about but I committed to writing something for every day of my journey so I could look back and see what I went through, when I went through it, how I went through it, how I survived etc. So today’s entry is short but…

I win!

Got to face paint today. Wasn’t my best but at least I got to do some designs. I wasn’t bad either I just had a lot of little squirmy children in the seat and they are definitely not conducive to being painted. I hate parents who try to force their kids to be painted and for what? Honestly, face painting is meant to be for the kids who WANT to be painted. Don’t make your kids get painted when they don’t even understand what it is. Still, it was a good day and a good way to earn money.

Then it was home for more work of the MT kind and I managed to get through my 200 line pledge even though I was super tired. The rest of the day has been about studying. Reading for next week and also transferring last weeks stuff into the journal as a way to assimilate the knowledge better into my head. I think it works this way. I do the reading and think what the fuck does this have to do with anything, go to class and discuss some stuff, do some experientials and get a slightly better idea of what it’s all about then transfer it into my journal afterwards and thinks begin to click into place. Learning how to speed read has definitely helped me. I don’t feel like I’m bogged down in all this reading now. I’ve signed up for a masterclass which I have a feeling is really just a taste testing tease to get me to spend money on the full course but if I can glean anything out of it then it’ll be 80 minutes well spent. It’s to help you remember better and learn faster. So, hopefully it helps. If not, then maybe I’ll win $500 along the way somewhere before April 1^st and I can buy the course.

So that’s been my day. It means I haven’t reached my 5500 step goal, only made it just over 4000 but that’s still good. Such is life I guess.

Today, I won.

Today I said goodbye to a lady who I could have potentially had a good relationship with … if she didn’t live on the other side of the world. This seems to happen to me a lot and I don’t have the capacity to dig into that deeper right now but I am a little tired of it. It would be super nice to find and connect with like-minded souls that live near me so we could spend time together in real life and not via the interwebs. I mean, I love my interwebs family but it would be nice to have people to spend time with in real life is all.

Went to the dietitian. She was lovely but didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know, which is disheartening. Her main thing was go home and find your why. Well, I already know my why and it’s not a nice why so it’s not really something I particularly want to be telling her. She said your why should have some kind of emotionality behind it, so when you tell it to someone it should evoke emotion within you. Well, mine does, very much and it’s a powerful why, but it’s not some lardee dah I want to be healthier and live a longer life for my kids bullshit. It’s a nasty little vindictive I want to be better than you why. Whatever, I can accept my shadow self, can you?

I had to hop on her scales while I was there and they showed me down at 135.8 kg, so that’s a much better result than I’ve been having the past two weeks. Now, is that because of the tablets I was taking that I got from the naturopath, or is it because I was premenstrual and now the part of my cycle is done. Does that mean I’ll have 2 weeks of great big losses followed by 2 weeks of barely anything? What exactly is my norm going to be? Her other advice was to push through when the plateau hits and get rid of your expectations and be consistent. No way, really? I had no idea. I thought my hitting a wall and crashing into a pile of I-don’t-give-a-shit heap was definitely the way to go. She told me about studies where they helped people lose weight then got them to go back to how they were eating which made them put on weight to begin with and it showed that they put on weight twice as fast. Then they put them through it again on the same lose-weight diet but it took them twice as long to lose weight the second time around and then when they had them put the weight on again with the original diet they put the weight back on three times as fast.

Well, I’m not normal okay. I’m always the anomaly and I will be here as well. This time, with this very strong why, I got this. Yeah, I only lost 100 g last week but it hasn’t stopped me. Not even a little bit. I am so fucking determined this time. I WILL get under 100 kgs by my b’day. That is my first goal. We’ll see what we see from there.

Anyway, today, I won.

Nothing much happened today. I was home all day so it was a cruisy day, no need to go to the shops so no struggle with not buying the foods. No stress at all. In fact, it was a Bloodbowl night so I got to hang out with my favourite people and play my favourite game. Bloodbowl night does come with its own territory to navigate though as there are two of us playing and one of us cooking. It was my son who cooked tonight and while I ate what he cooked, I didn’t have the pasta that went with it, so win for me. I feel like I’m still doing a really good job, I’m into the 5^th week and I’m still strong and on track and I guess I really need to give myself a kudos for that y’know.

I love it, so much yet at the same time, with how my life is lately, it took time away from my study and that concerns me because I often feel like I don’t have enough time to study as it is. So, my fingers are crossed that I get this job I applied for. I had a little phone interview today and it felt like it went well, so I really do hope it progresses and it turns out to be exactly what I need, which is a permanent job that pays me sick pay and holiday pay, superannuation and a decent hourly wage. This job they only want someone for 3 days a week which fits perfectly with my uni and they seem willing to work with my uni days. Also, they have a 7 am to 3 pm shift which is what I would choose because then I wouldn’t feel like I’m losing so much time with the kids. Finishing at 2 or 3 means I’d get home around 3.30 to 4.30, which means I’d still get a few hours with the kids in the afternoons and have time to study at night. Also, if I’m earning a proper wage then I don’t have to spend so much time doing MT work and I will have more time to study. The job really is perfect for me, so I really do hope I get it even if it does mean even bigger changes and it does mean I’m out of the house every single day other than the weekend.

All in all, today, I won.

I’m so fucking over it all today. I’m tired, really tired. Two days out of the house in a row does me in and I’m here trying to get another job that gets me out of the house the other three days a week? I don’t know if I can cope! What happens if I get myself a job and I really can’t fucking do it? I’m struggling right now as it is and I’ve only done 1.5 days of uni. My head is full, I feel dumb and I could barely get to my car after the train ride let alone do my shopping. I had no energy at all and it took everything in me to push through and get done what I needed to get done. Fucking hell.

I mean, I want the money, I need the money but how much can I actually take? I feel like a failure as a human being. Like I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I can’t do what all the rest of the humans can so simply do. So I don’t know. It was hard to get through today. I really loved the experiential we got to do today but still, so tired. I didn’t really want to talk to people, I didn’t really want to be there at all and I just felt like I was reading all these texts and just not getting the point and not understanding it and other people were talking, making sense of stuff and I was sitting there thinking, huh? What if I just can’t do this? I mean, the assignments are just creative writing tasks and I can write, not a problem. But what if I get to the end of this and I’m still where I am now? I’m just fucking floundering.

I was so hungry by the time I got home I just stuffed my face with chicken a couple little vegetable things. I got myself a yoghurt, hope that isn’t a terrible thing, even had a chocolate milk. I feel like I burned more calories today so maybe that will make it ok. I don’t know.

Today, I still won.