This is not an art related post. This is actually related to my post a month ago about the new journey I have taken on to try and bring some better health in to my body. So if you are reading for the art, today is not your day and I suggest you just move on. IF, however, you want to read my rabble about my journey then pull up a comfy chair, grab yourself a drink and stay awhile. This might be a long one….
Only those who stop trying are failures. By that I mean, it’s only when you give up, when you stop getting back on that wagon, when you completely throw in the towel and stop trying anymore, that you truly fail. I often have this thought, am I scared of failing… or am I more scared of success? I honestly think I’m more scared of succeeding! It’s this great unknown really isn’t it. If you fail well, you’ve been there, it’s familiar, it’s like a well worn in comfy pair of shoes. If you succeed though, who are you then? What is life like then? What does the world look like then? What will you have to strive for and work toward then? I have no doubt there will always be something to work toward and I’m sure with success the world looks a little brighter, you are a little brighter, life is a little lighter. Yet still, the fear persists.
A month ago I began a new program in the hopes to have more energy, be healthier in my body and of course to lose weight. The goal is always to lose weight right? In my attempt to lose weight for the past almost 20 years I’ve managed to put on over 70kgs… how the hell does that work?!! I’ve tried SO MANY things. I went on Jenny Craig, and that was great, lost 20kgs while I was on it. Of course I put it all back on and MORE eventually. I tried HCG, that is NOT for the feint of heart. Looking back now I’m not quite sure how I managed it for a month. I don’t even think lost that much weight on it but I can guarantee I put on at least twice as much as I lost afterwards. I did the whole gym 5 days a week thing and that was great for muscle tone and maintaining my weight and when I’m honest with myself I truly love to exercise. It feels good. I feel good. The only reason I stopped was because life decided I didn’t have the money for such things. I did the green smoothie thing, and I still have them occasionally now because they really are great and packed full of nutrients… at least as many nutrients as is possible in today’s age of over-farming and nutrient deficient soil. I definitely had more energy when I was drinking them. However come winter I’m not a huge fan of the lack of fruit variety, all my favourites go in to hibernation and I’m left with only apples, oranges and bananas. Summer though, you have mangoes, peaches, apricots, grapes, cherries, kiwi fruit, plums, nectarines… oh the flavour-gasms! Though as much as they gave me energy, I didn’t lose any weight from them.
Do you know why I don’t lose weight? Because I’m a glutton. There I said it. If I believed in that sort of thing, I would be going to hell for gluttony at the end of this lifetime. Or perhaps I am now in the hell of gluttony because of past life crimes regarding food… hmm, food for thought. I read a quote from someone just yesterday and part of it said ‘If you want a good body, feed the hungry’ as in, feed people who don’t have food of their own. I like that. It made me want to rush out and buy food and leave it on the doorstep of all the poor houses in the neighbourhood, boy wouldn’t hubby have a field day if I spent our money on something like that!! Anyway, off on a tangent there. My point is, I am a glutton. I love food. Not just that I love food (if I’m totally honest I have a love/hate relationship with food). I love chewing. I love swallowing. I love the feeling of food going down my throat. I love that “Ow I ate too much” feeling. I love stuffing my face. I love the taste. Oh how I love the taste. In fact, it’s often the taste that leaves me continuing to eat when I know I should stop.
I can go for awhile doing really well. I can be motivated and on track. Then something will come along and hit me like a mac truck and then it all gets thrown out of the window. The worse I feel the longer my fall off the wagon lasts. Of course it’s far easier to put ON weight than it is to lose it. So I can do really well for 3 months and in just 2 weeks end up back where I started. You have no idea how infuriating and frustrating and depressing and disheartening that is…. or maybe you do. I end up feeling so defeated, useless, worthless which, of course, just exacerbates the cycle. I think that is my number one pet peeve in this journey. I feel like I waste so much time doing my best and it takes so little time for it to all go down the drain, then it takes so long to get back on the wagon.
It really hurts me too when those super fit and healthy people say things like, ‘just make the right choices’, ‘just keep going’, ‘just stop eating crap’, ‘just exercise more’, just, just, just… like it is the easiest thing in the world. To make that choice. I wish it was. I wish it wasn’t such a fight in my head every time I feel low (which is far too often). I wish it wasn’t the epic battle it is every time I go to do the grocery shopping. I wish I didn’t want to scream every time someone near me ate something I would love to have, or every time I see anyone with a bottle of coke. I would love to just disappear from society and be free of all the temptations that exist everywhere. Really though, at the end of the day, if those multi-faceted Inner Children in my head would stop throwing their tantrums all the time… but that’s beside the point of this post.
As I said way back in that 3rd paragraph, I began a new program a month ago. I’ve tried shakes before and never found one I can handle. They taste disgusting and they are often so gritty that I end up half-choking on them cause the only way I can get them down is to skull it in one hit. So when I found out I had to have 2 shakes a day I was thinking ARE YOU CRAZY? There’s NO WAY I would last. I often get through maybe a week until I just can’t take it anymore no matter how much I try. I did a lot of research on the product and my amazing friend who finally convinced me brought around some of the shake for me to try. It was smooth, the taste wasn’t terrible. I thought maybe I could pull it off. Then hubby got in on the act and showed me all the negatives. You know something I’ve discovered since being married to my wonderful husband? There is a negative for EVERYTHING. He, himself, has tried to steer me toward doing juices. I’ve seen negatives related to doing that; or to green smoothies again, there are negatives associated with that too. It really depends on what school of thought you are coming from. At the end of the day it’s all about moderation and I’m pretty sure I mentioned up there somewhere that I’m just no good at that. I practice a lot, and I will keep practicing but I know me, I know there is always going to come moments in my life where moderation is not going to happen. That is just the way it is.
Hubby almost talked me out of it. Then I stopped for a moment and I thought about all the negatives he was pointing out to me. One was the business part, well… I’m not really interested in that part. I’m not in it to make money and you don’t have to be in it to make money. The other negatives were focused on one or two ingredients within the system such as fructose. There was not a single reliable source for negative information regarding the package as a whole. Now if you take anything and focus on just one little part here and there then everything is going to have something bad about it. That’s just life. Before I committed though I went and spoke to my doctor. I told her some of hubby’s concerns, I explained what kind of products were in the system and a couple times she even raised her eyebrows in that pleasantly surprised kind of way and agreed to monitor my progress, including keeping an eye on my liver in case that pesky fructose content did any damage, and keeping an eye on my blood sugar levels in case those bars with 3 tsps of sugar in them tipped me over the edge. With my doctors approval, I signed up.
Despite what my husband thinks, I’m quite skeptical. Enthusiastic, but skeptical. I’m weary of sharing results or how I’m getting them because I know what I am like. I know that I am great at first, all gung-ho, motivated, strong. I also know that eventually something will happen and I will falter, stutter, stall. Inevitably it’s emotion. I’ve discovered I’m a super emotional eater. If I’m sad, angry, frustrated, feeling unworthy, depressed, feeling unheard, feeling misused and under appreciated, feeling misunderstood and unsupported… I want to eat. Not because I’m hungry. I’m rarely actually hungry. That has been interesting to witness this year as I’m becoming more present and mindful with myself. I’m also a ‘tired’ eater. If I feel tired, I use food to keep me awake and give me that very small boost of energy to get through. That’s a new one I’ve learned this year since trying to stop feeling so tired all the time. I do, I feel SO tired, so you can imagine just how overweight I am if I’m eating all the time when I’m tired!
The package arrived! A big box full of promises and hope, dreams and good intentions. I couldn’t wait to get started and see the results. More than anything I would like to reach a healthy weight for my age and height. I have no doubt before I even get close to reaching it people are going to start telling me I’m getting ‘too’ skinny. We, as a society, have come to accept being overweight as normal so easily that when someone who is morbidly obese keeps going past overweight and in to healthy people don’t like it. They start thinking things like ‘anorexia!!’ It surprises me how warped our views are on body image… in either direction. I feel just as bad for those of slight frame as I do for those struggling with obesity.
I began. I had my breakfast smoothie. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I was anticipating. I had the vanilla one. I could taste a cinnamon and banana type taste. Miss 8 screwed up her face but Mr Bee smacked his lips together and said, “mmmm tastes like ice cream!” After that I took the multitude of tablets, accelerant, flush, multi-vitamins, there were so many!! But that wasn’t all, after that I had a shot of this … it feels a little like medicine to me because I use my medicine cup to drink it. Holy crow but that stuff was disgusting!!! I’m not a big fan of ginger and I could certainly taste the ginger in it amongst other things. Miss 8 laughed so hard at the expression on my face. To be honest, it felt like such a huge ORDEAL by the time I was done! I thought to myself, that felt like such a mission I don’t know if I can do it every day! That day was a bit horrible too because I had to take my before photos. Well, I didn’t have to, but I thought if I can pull this off finally, if I can reach my goal, I want proof of how big I was. I want to have photos of where I got to so I will NEVER EVER go back there again. I want photos of the biggest I was so that when I’m half-way there and I’ve hit a plateau and I’m feeling hopeless and defeated I can look at those photos and see how far I have already come and use them as motivation and inspiration to keep going. So I did. I didn’t like it. But I did it. I avoid looking at myself as much as possible because no matter how many years I’ve been this big for, in my head I’m still how I was in my early 20’s!
By the end of day 2 I realised the process wasn’t such an ordeal anymore. I’d come to get used to it already. I realised I was actually enjoying it. I really love not having to think about what I’m going to eat every morning, not having to spend time preparing it, then sit there and eat possibly more than I need to simply because I’ve made more and I’m not a left-overs kind of person. Nor do I have to worry about one mouthful tasting wonderful and the next tasting horrible, or worry about things going soggy or cold. I realised that all of a sudden my breakfast and dinner were LESS of an ordeal than what they used to be!! It was a relief. It was bliss. It was ease. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I felt like I was doing something really good for my body and I was barely making any effort at all. I’d even stopped my morning walks at that stage but I was losing weight. Even in the first two days I’d begun to lose weight. I know, I know, you’re really not meant to weigh-in more than once a week but I am SO motivated by watching my weight that I weigh myself every. single. day. I just can’t help myself! Plus, when I see that weight go down, whether it’s just by 100 grams or more, it is so motivating for me. Even if the weight just stays the same, it’s encouraging. What I noticed too, is that there was always a little bit of a loss every day (or more). Then I went away for a week. All by myself, what bliss. The best part about that was with the program depending on what version you do, you have ‘fast’ days. I was going to do a deep cleanse which consists of 2 days of fasting. I am grateful I was not at home amongst all the foods my family eat. In the hotel I had nothing but my products and my coffee stuff. So I breezed through it. I have no idea how much I lost cause I didn’t have my scales with me. I was naughty the day after the deep cleanse though and went and pigged out on Hogs Breath for lunch. When I got home I saw I was actually 1oo grams heavier! SO worth it though LOL, I love Hogs Breath.
It was disappointing to see I was 100 grams heavier after 5 days away, however I did weigh myself in the afternoon and I’m always heavier in the afternoon. The next morning I was a whole 1kg down, that was better! I had a mini goal of getting under a certain weight that I’m not willing to share publicly right now but by the 3rd week I had reached it. I was down 4.7kgs! I lost 2kgs over my 2nd deep cleanse, unfortunately that is when shit hit the fan for me. It was such an emotionally intense time for me, full moon, pms, pent up feelings, feeling unheard, then finding out hubby wasn’t happy about how much the program was costing. So I felt like my wings had been clipped. I was started to feel so much better in myself. I was feeling happier (not necessarily because of the program, there’s no claims that it helps with moods), I was feeling more focused. I was losing weight even though I occasionally pigged out on food, or ate 2 meals instead of one a day, even though I continued to drink my one cup of coffee a day that you’re not meant to do during the initial detox month. I felt like I had finally found something that worked for me. I attribute it to the entire package. However, because of the inevitable brick wall I always seem to run in to, those 2kgs I lost during the deep cleanse went back on… but I happily stayed below my first goal. That’s never happened before!! Ever! So I was ecstatic and of course that renewed my motivation and determination. Because all the stuff was still there waiting for me and it is so easy to use, it was easy to just keep going. I never stopped doing it, I just overate, or had 2 meals on top of the shakes instead of 1, or it was the meals I ate… like McDonalds.
So I kept going and my weight has continued to go down. I have reached the end of my first 30 days. I didn’t stop drinking coffee, I stuffed up here and there and I still managed to lose 6kgs and 35cms from around my body. I can’t see it. I don’t notice it in my clothes or my face, however I have to trust that the scales and the measuring tape don’t lie. I managed to get in a 2nd months worth of the program before hubby said no more, $600 a month is too much and a stupid amount for my potential success in gaining better health and reaching my goal weight and having the energy I so deeply desire. So I get to do the entire program again for another month. After this I will go down to a lesser program and hope it works as well. This coming 30 days though I’m going to see if I can do even better than the first 30 days, now that I’m in the swing of things, in the practice of it all, in the habit of doing it. I’m going to see if I can reach my next mini-goal. So wish me luck. I will let you know if it works when I get there.
If you managed to reach this far in my rabbling, thank you for bearing witness to my journey 🙂 If you are interested in learning more about the product please email me at samm (at) creativealchemist (dot) com I’ll be happy to share more. Thank you for being here. In Joy!