So? What is wrong with you?
I’ll tell you what. Nothing! Nothing is wrong with you. Ever. Just because you don’t have a smile on your face or you don’t want to be friendly or you’re not perfectly dressed doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. What is wrong with asking what is wrong with someone? Well, it implies there is something wrong with them of course.
I’m angry. There’s nothing WRONG with me. I’m sad. There’s nothing WRONG with me. I’m hurt. There’s nothing WRONG with me. The implication that there is something wrong with me because I’m making you feel uncomfortable because I don’t feel like pretending to be ok when I’m not is disgusting. How dare you judge me for being wrong simply because I’m not being Miss Perfectly OK.
Don’t get me wrong (hahaha totally unintended pun there!), I have used that question so many times before. However just today it occurred to me that there is something wrong with that question. There is a hidden meaning within that question that implies unless we are happy, we are wrong. And that right there is wrong. Being anxious doesn’t make us wrong. Being sad doesn’t make us wrong. Having feelings and emotions does not make us wrong. It makes us human.
What is wrong with you? What a patriarchal statement. What a controlling statement. You must have something wrong with you if you don’t fit in to the little box my paradigm requires you to be in. You must have something wrong with you if you dare to rock the boat, if you dare to express an opposing opinion, if you dare to be true to who you are instead of toeing the line and conforming to the way society says you should be.
How about instead of asking someone what is wrong with them, we start asking someone what is happening for them right now, or what is coming up to be healed right now, or what is out of balance in your life right now. Rather than judging it to be wrong how about we judge it to be right, we welcome it, we open ourselves to hold space for someone else’s process, their journey, or even their shadow-side. Rather than try to hide it or mask it or make them get over it, how about we just honour their experience and allow them the space to feel whatever it is they are feeling without subconsciously leaving them feeling wrong for feeling something less than sparkly.
So you, Constant Reader, are not wrong. No matter what state you are in right now, you are perfectly perfect. Whether you want to rip your hair out in frustration or go lick someone’s inner thigh, whether you want to cry yourself to sleep or you want to whoop for joy, no matter your state of being there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are ok. You are safe and supported in being exactly who you want to be. Own your truth. Don’t let anyone tell you it is wrong. Don’t push it down or away. Let it stay as long as it needs to.
That doesn’t mean you need to buy in to the story in your head. No! That just means if you are sad, sit with that sadness. Just notice it. Don’t judge it. Don’t attach a story or people or situations to it. Don’t try to analyse it. Just sit with it and notice it and allow it space. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to laugh, laugh. If you need to scream just do it. No judgement. No attachment. Pure acceptance.
How do you do that? Well, when you find yourself thinking of what brought the emotion up stop yourself. Thank your brain and ego for showing you that information but let it go. It doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel, not what you are thinking. So focus on the feeling. Where is it in your body? Does it sit in the pit of yours stomach or over your heart, is it in the back of your neck or the small of your back, perhaps it is residing in your left knee. Just pay attention to where it is. When those pesky thoughts of who, what, when, where, why come back up just thank them and let them go. Focus on the feeling. Where it is, what it feels like. Perhaps it is a dull throbbing, or a sharp stabbing, perhaps it is like 1000 butterflies or a stampede of elephants, maybe it is like a rush of water over pebbles or a sizzling pan of fat.
How long do you have to do that for? Until it dissipates and it will. It may take 10 minutes or it may take 10 hours but it will ease off and dissipate. It might come back again at another point in time but every single time you allow it space without trying to shove it down or shove it away, it gets easier and it will dissipate quicker. Every time you allow the feeling space after being triggered, the less that trigger will affect you.
It isn’t easy to do though. Don’t let this blog fool you. Everything is easier in theory. Seeing as most of us have spent a very large chunk of our lives squashing these feelings and making them go away because we’re constantly asked what is wrong until we believe there is something wrong with feelings, it makes it really uncomfortable to sit with them and allow them voice. Most of us haven’t done that since we were young children, since before the adults in our world taught us to push them down, to not express our feelings, taught us there was something wrong with doing that. So no, it’s not easy but really, is anything worth doing ever easy to begin with?
Just start taking small steps towards doing this. Even if you can’t sit with the emotions straight away, start to notice them, where they are in the body, what they feel like, then move on with your day. It’s time for us to start taking control of our emotions though, instead of letting them control us. It’s time for us to start stepping in to our power, instead of giving our power away to the people we attach these emotions to. So notice your emotions. Dis-attach from the story of the emotion. Chances are whatever your current story is simply a mask for a deeper wound that needs healing and hasn’t really got anything to do with what happened today. So forget about the story, just focus on the emotion. Allow it the space it needs, that’s why we are here, to experience emotion. Even when it’s hard. Even when it seems unbearable. Even when you think you just can’t take it anymore. Usually those feelings come up when you aren’t allowing the emotion space.
So give the emotion space. Are you hearing my message yet? Give your emotions space to be. Don’t give them a story, don’t exercise them down in to their little box, don’t eat to cover them, just allow them. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Allow. Sit in silence, with no distractions, and breathe. They WILL go away, I promise. Because nothing in life is permanent. We all change. Nothing stays the same forever. Nothing. You just need to hold the space for yourself to feel.