So, I really do want actual friends that I can spend time
with and do stuff with but at the same time I really value my time alone. How
do I reconcile that? I got to spend the day with a lovely lady today, she is
soft, she has similar beliefs to myself, we’re on quite a similar journey
together but then I realised I got nothing done today… I mean, it wasn’t
nothing. I got to chat and I got to do some art and I got to go to a psychic
fair but I did not get any study done and I got to the end of the day and it
felt like a blip, it went so fast. Which I guess is proof I enjoyed my day but
still… time goes fast enough, you know?
Well, tomorrow is the dreaded weigh-in day and I get to see
if any weight actually came off or not. I have no hope even though nothing has
changed. There is but one way to find out though. Did not struggle with food
today either. There were fish n chips in front of me and even an offer of sushi
and I didn’t even feel a small crumble of resolve. I think there might have
been a little twinge but it was nothing. I had no craving, no hunger… I was
good. So that was interesting to note. I did, however, get a boost juice but I
hope that isn’t too bad and I am having an aloe vera juice now. I don’t know. I
feel like I’m walking a fine line of what is ok and what is not ok. All I know
is, I really want to lose weight. I want to do it for me 90% but there is that
10% that wants to do it so I don’t have to be a big heffalump when I meet his
girlfriend eventually. It made me feel sick and sad when I saw her car sitting
in the driveway behind his. Meh.
Today has passed uneventfully. I am still consistently
plagued by the relationship and the consequences of that and my feelings of
insecurity, lack of self worth, wondering why I wasn’t good enough or lovable
enough and what if I am all the things he ever convinced me to feel about myself?
There is this constant clench in my stomach but I guess that’s ok because it
stops any hunger. Not that I have had any. It’s now almost been 3 weeks and
while I seem to have put ON this week for some reason, I’m still happy to keep
going with it all. I haven’t fallen off the wagon. I hope this week is an
anomaly, maybe my scales were wrong on Monday somehow and gave a false reading.
Perhaps I wasn’t standing on them properly and it’s not that I have put on
weight this week, it’s that I didn’t actually lose as much as the scales told
me I had last week. At the end of the day though, I’ve said goodbye to the 140
kg range forever now and that’s a great thing. All I can do is keep doing what
I’m doing and hope for the best. Perhaps I am holding on to all this pain and
that is why the weight is staying where it is. If anything this relationship is
showing me I’m still nowhere near healing the pain, the damage. My emotional
body is still a bleeding mess strewn across the emotional plane. I don’t know
how to piece it back together or if I ever will. Some days I feel very alone
and wonder what is so integrally wrong with me, that this is my life. I’ve
often pondered that this life has been one big karmic payback. I’m embodying
the karmic experience of all those other lives where I was not who I am in this
life. If I choose to come back for another, I hope I choose to both be who I am
in this life and experience who I am in this life. I really don’t know that I
can take anymore pain this lifetime. I really don’t know that I can take
anymore rejection this lifetime. I really don’t know if I can take anymore
criticism and judgement and general all-round feeling of never being good
enough. I’m so done.
Again, even though I’m not feeling it… today, I won.
I am completely overwhelmed with the amount of reading and
work that I need to put into this Bachelor of Arts Psychotherapy degree. The
first subject is: Foundations in Arts Psychotherapy. It goes for six weeks. For
the first week, I have 45 pages to read before we even get to class. I also
have to gather some supplies to make a ‘vessel’ on the first day… not even sure
what to bring in for that. The second subject, which is being studied at the
same time as the first subject, is: Integrative systems of health and
wellbeing. I have 9 self-assessments to do before the first day, plus 4
readings of however many pages and a 35-minute TED talk to watch. I am not
entirely sure how I am meant to find 1) the time to do all of this and 2) the
mental capacity to take it all in and integrate it into my knowledge base! It
is overwhelming and this is just the first 2 lessons let alone the rest of
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the subject matter. It fascinates
the shit out of me and I deeply hope it leads to a job where I get to help
people sort through their own mental health issues and hopefully, help them
reach a space within themselves where they can lead their best life. I’m just
questioning my capabilities right now.
I’ve had a lifetime of avoiding things. Avoiding jobs
because going to the interviews was too much for me to cope with, avoiding
finishing studies or projects because before the end I would move on to
something else that grabbed my attention or there would be a requirement that
was too much for me to cope with, like triads and placement. I have spent my
life being a mother because, for me, that is easy. However, after being in a
marriage to him for 10 years, he has me believing that is all I can do. He has
me believing that I can’t or won’t work. He has me believing I am incapable and
a bad example to our children. I am left floundering while he is out there
living his best life with a woman who calls him babe. Babe. A word he scoffed
at and called juvenile but now it’s okay… because it’s not me?
I jumped on the scales again today. Still over 1 kg heavier
than I was on Monday. I was hoping the other day was just some anomaly and the
weight would have magically gone back to where it was. So now I’m questioning
my scales. Was Monday’s reading wrong? Or are these higher readings wrong? Or
have I really put ON the extra kilo even though I’m doing the same things I was
doing for the first two weeks? I seriously do not understand it at all. I guess
I have to wait for Monday and I will see what the scales say and then I will
talk to the Dr about it and then book in for an appointment with a dietitian
and see what they say. It is disheartening though. Getting on those scales and
seeing consistent drops is motivating and lifts my spirits. Getting on them and
seeing the weight put ON is confusing and devastating. I’m really wanting to
lose at least 10 to 20 kgs by e\Easter long weekend and this development is
detrimental to my goals. It feels incredibly unfair, truth be told. Thankfully
it still isn’t enough to stop this journey. I am still on the OF bandwagon and
I really do hope to stay on it for this year. Then we will see what we see,
though we will also see what the dietitian says. Really though, I don’t have
the time to be making food and I don’t like the whole make it in bulk thing
either. I’m very much a fresh food eater. I hate reheating. I always have and I
always will. I don’t know about other people, but for me it changes the taste
of food. I don’t like it. I am a picky eater and it’s not that I won’t eat a
large variety of foods, I love a large variety of foods, it’s that I am picky
about HOW I eat it, HOW it is prepared etc, etc.
Tomorrow is the weekend. I guess we’ll see how I am
tomorrow. I still have to do some MT work but I have a lot of study to do. I
really want to stay on top of it all because I know if I don’t then I’ll feel
even more overwhelmed. If you start to fall behind it’s really difficult to
catch the fuck up. So, I want to stay on top of it. I hope Dan can find me a
Monday, Thursday and Friday job that pays at least $20/hr. That might help take
the load off a little. I could quit MT maybe.
So even though I don’t feel like it… today, I won.
Got my login details for the bachelor of Arts psychotherapy
today and logged in. There is a lot of stuff to do before the first class even
begins which is a bit overwhelming but more than that I’m such a think 10 steps
ahead kind of person that of course I have to go have a look at what is
expected of me over the next 6 weeks! I’m already preparing for my written
assignment and my *shudder* presentation. I’m trying not to let my anxiety have
too much of a say in it all or I might just not do it. I have to keep reminding
myself to breathe and stop thinking that far in the future and just concentrate
on right now. Right now I just have to get some reading done and get my medical
transcription done and I will be fine.
Doing the pee test for the naturopath today. I’m a little
concerned that I’ve drunk 2 L of water and yet barely even 1 L has come out of
me. Clearly, I am retaining water and I’m not sure why that is or what that
might mean but it also means that the scales are telling me I’ve put 1.5 kgs ON
even though absolutely nothing has changed since the last two weeks. Unless I’m
somehow secretly getting up at night and eating but I don’t know what I could
be eating. I mean, I assumed it was TeenBoy getting up and eating the toast… at
least I hope it was! Otherwise, what? Why? I don’t understand. Not that it
matters, the mid-week weigh doesn’t count either way. As long as I go down on
the Monday I’m good. I know my weight fluctuates pretty full on.
So, no particular cravings today. No uncontrollable hunger.
No desire to eat sweats or anything. I went to the shops to buy some new shirts
and to get some stationery and I had that urge to buy something, anything, else
but didn’t. So it was a successful day really. I just hope it keeps up and come
Monday I have lost another 1-2 kg.
I went and saw the naturopath today. I spent money I don’t
have for tests and supplements I hope will help me feel more awake and alive
and vital so that I can have the energy required to work enough to survive
while doing a full-time uni course. I’m so stressed about money yet I go and
spend money on tests and supplements, how does that even work? At least I got
all my lines done today before I left. I’m not sure how I’m meant to find a job
that will cater to my need of working Monday, Thursday and Friday only. I don’t
know if that is even possible. Especially because I need it to be local so if I
have to get to my kids quickly I can. The money I get from Centrelink is
literally only $10 a fortnight more than what my rent is. How on earth is an
adult with 1 adult child and 2 young children and a fur baby meant to survive
14 days on just $10? $10 to pay electricity, gas, petrol, car payments, car
insurance, internet, cat food, food? I want to work, I’m happy to work, I’m
just limited in what I can do and I want to be near the kids, I don’t think
that is too much to ask.
I’m feeling very frustrating and very anxious about it all.
My hunger levels have seemed to level out now though which is great. The
naturopath isn’t a fan of Optifast but said it is the best one out of all the
different ones and said just don’t use Isagenix. So that was interesting
because I did use Isagenix for awhile at one point. She did say that in this
(my) situation OF was a good option but she wouldn’t recommend using it for
more than 6 to 12 months. After that I really need to focus on eating proper
food because OF is basically just a bunch of crap in a box and it really isn’t
good for you. That is disheartening and I get her point but for someone who
really hates cooking and preparing food and has no real idea of how to eat and
is pretty damn picky… OF was a quick and easy option which is why it is working
so well for me right now. I hope her words don’t ring around in my head and
cause me to falter. Surely 6 months on OF if I’m strict and stick to it will
get me under 100kgs. For now, that’s my biggest goal, under 100 kgs.
Today, I am feeling plagued by flittering anxiety about all
sorts of things and I can feel the weight of life upon my shoulders and I’m
just so worried about how I’m going to live or even what my best life looks
like. I really would like some kind of in my face, can’t deny it is a sign,
sign that doing the bachelor is the right way to go here and that the universe
will support me financially somehow to get through it and in the end I will
have a job I love earning good money so I can show my kids you don’t have to
follow societal rules and you can still have a great life. Blah.
Today, emotionally, I did not win, however, when it comes to
the weight loss journey, which is what this blog is meant to be about….
I stepped into my bigness today. I went to orientation for
my bachelor of art psychotherapy and not only did I do that but I volunteered
to go first introducing the person I was sitting next to. You have to
understand, I have a sometimes-debilitating social anxiety, so that was pretty
fucking big for me, yeah?
Then I came home and I agreed to take on a $45000 loan so I
could even do the course 😮 Then, I sat here for hours doing my MT work for a
piddly $8/hr just so I can pay rent and feed my kids wondering how on earth I’m
going to pull off all of this for the next three years :/
I have been really hungry the past two days and I’m not
entirely sure why. I think maybe I burned so many calories over the weekend my
body is trying to convince me to give the back? I haven’t… given them back that
is. Also, I forgot to have my 3rd shake last night before bed so
that might explain my hunger today. I will have one before bed tonight though
and see if I can get back to the not feeling hungry thing. Feeling hungry just
makes it that much harder to say no, though having said that, I’m still not
having any major cravings or inner tantrums about food, which I am incredibly
I feel like I am tracking along well right now. At least where
it comes to education/future career and better health/body. The
emotional/spiritual still needs a bit of work but baby steps, right?
Oh, and that inspection that was meant to happen today? It
got fucking cancelled! Which means I will have to do all this fricking cleaning
again in a couple weeks including all the damn lawn mowing, grrrrr.
The first day of my 3rd week of trying to reach a
healthier and more visually appearing (to the vast majority of society) weight
and I fucking crushed it this week.
I managed to lose 2.6 kgs this week! That is a huge amount
but still within the safe 1%-2% of body fat reduction. Soon I won’t be able to
lose that much safely but for now I’m still good. Let’s face it, most of that
is likely what they call ‘water weight’, whatever that is. Still it means that
from when I started on 4th February 2019 weighing in at 141.5 kg, 2
weeks later I am now down to 137 kg on the dot. I hope I can keep having big
numbers like this for a few more weeks. I’d love to get myself out of the
130-range before I go on camp over the Easter long weekend.
I’m super pleased with that result. For now, I still have
hope that I can get to a better weight and not always feel so ashamed when I go
out in public.
Sadly, I have to meet a room full of new people tomorrow at
the weight I am at because it’s orientation day tomorrow, which happens to
cause my gut to tighten and send a metallic taste up into my mouth. But I can
do this! I got this! I’m amazing. This is going to be a good thing. The
Universe will support me with this, I just need to figure out how to get myself
through the next three years. Then, by the time I reach the end of those three
years, I’ll be a much better weight… I hope!
Here’s to reaching my goal weight of…. Being brutally honest here… 58.5 kg!
Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. How does a person
get to be 43 with no job, no career, no money, still renting, no relationship?
I feel like there must be something integrally wrong with me. Yes, I chose to
be a mother as my children are the most important thing to me in the world
because they are the only ones who will (I hope) love me no matter what. They
are the only ones (other than my sister) who I feel like love me
unconditionally and love me exactly as I am, not for who they want me to be.
Should I have worked while raising them? Should I have let someone else raise
my kids by putting them in before and after school care? Should I have just had
kids and gone, fuck it I’m going to work 40 hours a week and only see them on
weekends? Because at least then I’d have a fancy car, my own home, money?
Society wants me to be that person.
How long can I blame my anxiety? How long can I blame PTSD
from childhood? When was it that I had to start taking responsibility and just
get the fuck over my anxiety and depression and suppression?
I’ve committed to three years of study for a bachelor that
terrifies me because I know what is involved to get me there and my Anxiety
Bitch (AB… so let’s call her Abby)… Abby wants to just be in the future past
all the stuff she finds difficult, all the firsts, all the practicing, all the
being judged and given feedback, Abby just wants to be at the part where I’m
already working and earning good money helping people. What if I can’t get Abby
out of my way. She just wants to protect me, I know that. But what if I can’t
convince her to stop protecting me?!! What if I go on this study journey and I
end up letting her pull me away? Then I’ll be a failure of a human all over
again. Useless. Unproductive.
I don’t want to die a failure. I don’t want to be that poor
excuse for a human who is on Centrelink forever. I want a job. I want a career.
I want money and the house and a nice car and to not have to worry about how
I’m going to pay my bills. So, how do I convince Abby that by standing in my
way she is actually causing me more detriment than she is saving me from?
This is the sort of shit coming up for me, amongst other
shit, now that I am not using food to dull it all down. All these parts of
myself are showing up, showing their (my) personalities and I’m having to try
to figure out how to get to where I want to go despite them. It is hard enough
to fight the rest of the world but I have to fight an internal world full of
sometimes contrasting energies as well?
I’ve been cleaning for an inspection. I want to be rich
enough to pay someone else to do that for me on a regular basis in my own home,
seriously. During the cleaning I found my wedding ring and my engagement ring.
Timing, amIright? He is off having some romantic weekend with his new
“stunningly hot” (his words) girlfriend and I’m having all sorts of shit come
up around that, from the feelings of never being good enough for him, to fear
for her and seeing this play out from the outside and hoping it will be
different for her and I happen to find my wedding and engagement rings. Hah! I
just love how the Universe has this way of piling shit so high on my pyre and
I’m here hoping it’s not going to collapse around me and burn me to death and
cause a mammoth earth-destroying fire. I mean, I’ve been living in this place
for 1 and ¾ years now and they show up now? Seriously.
So, I gave Baby Gurl the wedding band. If she didn’t want
it, I was going to chuck it. I have no attachment to it. The wedding band is
just symbolic of a system I never agreed with to begin with and doesn’t really
mean anything at the end of the day. It doesn’t magically mate you for life. It
doesn’t keep you together no matter what. It doesn’t make the other person
fight tooth and nail for you. It means nothing. To say I’m even more
disillusioned with marriage than I was to begin with is an understatement. The
engagement ring on the other hand (LOL, no pun intended but…)
I always wanted my own diamond solitaire in a white gold
ring. So, why can’t I have it? I love this ring. I chose this ring. He would
have chosen me an ugly one I hated but he did the smart thing and took me to
the jewellers and asked me which out of the rings I preferred. I chose my own ring,
luckily, because I love it. So when I found it I thought to myself, why the
fuck should I have to not wear it now just because we aren’t married? It’s a
beautiful ring and it was given to me and it is mine. The time I threw my rings
at him, I took the engagement ring back so I could have it back rather than
waiting for him to figure out how to give them back to me and prove he actually
wanted to be married to me (hint: it never fucking happened, but I did take the
engagement ring back before the wedding band). I took it back because I love
it. Maybe it’s a symbol of who I am, who I always have been and who I’m always
meant to be… solitary.
Plus, I’m so obese right now that it doesn’t fit on the
finger it was fitted for and I’m putting it on the other hand and, it would be
kind of funny to be in Voldemort and his stunningly hot girlfriend’s head if
they saw me wearing it. Like, what would you think if your ex continued to wear
the engagement ring? Seriously though, he might have paid for it but the fucking
proposal was lame as shit and I chose the ring. Fuck him and anyone else who
wants to judge. I’m claiming the ring for myself also because that marriage is
a part of me now, it will always be a part of me and while the vast majority of
it was miserable, it has made me who I am today and I will honour that part of
my journey by wearing the ring I love. When I lose weight and it gets too loose
for my pinky finger I’ll just wear it on my right hand instead of my left. As
long as I don’t give a shit what other people think I’m good with this choice.
Anyway, I expected to hear from Gimme a lot more than I have
but she’s been relatively quiet. I mean last night I got the kids a kebab and
she piped up wanting some fizzy drink as well but I did well. I resisted. Then
she was yammering on about some ice cream today too but I didn’t get any, so
all in all I’m still winning and it is day 14 already. I can barely believe
it’s been two weeks already. Tomorrow is weigh-in day, it’ll be interesting to
see how much I’ve lost. As a reminder, last Monday I was 139.6 kg. So I’m
hoping to jump on the scales and see 137.6 kg for a 2 kg loss. Keep your
fingers crossed for me.
Today was all about cleaning for the inspection, as will be
tomorrow. Yeap, I’m not a good housekeeper. I’m simply not interested in
spending my life cleaning so I will only clean when I have to and one day, I
will have enough money in my accounts that I can pay someone to clean for me.
So that means when inspection rolls around we have a fair bit of cleaning to
do. Part of that was also getting the rest of the lawns mowed. I actually don’t
mind mowing the lawns, it’s the emptying the catcher and the tidying part I
hate. Beauty of that is it boosted my daily step count way up for the day!
Along with the moving and dancing around as I was cleaning the kitchen of
course. So I hit over 7500 steps today! Normally I barely make 5000 so, it’s
good! I do, one day, hope to easily do 10,000 steps a day, maybe even by
I’ve had no appetite today funnily enough. That seems to
happen when I’m active because as always, I’m an anomaly and I experience
things backwards. I don’t even know what that is about but it means I haven’t
been able to stomach anything but the shakes today. I’m worried that will be
detrimental to my weight loss efforts but I just can’t force myself to eat. I
have been drinking plenty of water though so… there’s nothing wrong with
‘fasting’ days right? I didn’t even fast, I still had 3 shakes.
I came to the realisation today that I really need to figure
out how to forgive Voldemort. Yes, as my belief system goes, he is just me in a
different life experience but from this Samm-experience of separation from
other humans, I need to forgive his part in my story. He has had a valuable
part really and I do appreciate the lessons I have learned, that’s not an
issue. It’s the part where he gets to just carry on and do it all over again
with someone else, that is the part that has been haunting me lately. It sadly
means I barely got any sleep last night. It’s frustrating. I really do keep
hoping he has changed and he will be a better person and she will somehow make
him be a better person but then I see things or hear things and my
spidey-senses tingle and I can see it for what it is now. I hope I’m wrong.
That’s all I’m saying. I really hope I’m wrong.
It is quite interesting witnessing this from the outside
looking in though and that does lead to better forgiveness toward myself for
allowing myself to end up trapped and staying for so damn long. He really is a
master manipulator, a deceiver, an amazing actor. If it wasn’t for my beautiful
kids, I might not even see it. I might have just begun to think he had changed,
he had grown, he had matured, maybe he learned stuff from our relationship but
when your daughter looks at you wide-eyed in amazement as she tells you that
he’s SO NICE when he’s around her… it just confirms what I know and I feel
badly for her. But we all have our lessons to learn right? And learn mine I
have. Now it’s time to forgive myself, and him, for what I had to go through in
order to learn those lessons. Unfortunately, that is no mean feat.
So tomorrow makes it 2 weeks since I began the shakes in
order to lose weight. It really is difficult to believe it’s been that long
already because it doesn’t feel like it and I don’t feel like I’m flagging at
all. The shakes are easy to make, easy to drink and don’t take up too much time
and they don’t taste terrible. To the point that I think even when I reach my
goal weight, I will still have them for breakfast and maybe lunch just for the
convenience and also, to ensure I never get as big as I did.
Went into Ikon today to have a group
meeting. Felt like it was a waste of time but it had to be done and when I got
home… got my letter of acceptance. I can now say I am officially a student
working toward a Bachelor of Arts Psychotherapy. I am worried about how I’m
going to fit it all in, find the time, afford to survive in the meantime. I
have worries coming up about getting the triads done this time and finding
placement. I am excited by the idea of it and I look forward to the future it
affords me but this little anxiety-addicted brain of mine wants to run around
like a chook without it’s head on.
I can do this… right? I can do this. I
can call on my angels and allies and higher self and guardian angels and
ancestors to give me strength, courage and tenacity to get this done. It’s a
three-year commitment. Three years. But it will also be a #bucketlist
accomplishment, which is to get a Bachelor degree. I was never sure what field
I wanted the degree in but I always wanted it. A bachelor of arts is what I
thought but I have always also had a pull toward psychology, so it turns out
this bachelor of arts psychotherapy is quite perfect.
The food thing was fine, as it has been
for 12 days now. I’m quite pleasantly surprised and super hopeful it means by
my birthday I have the potential to reach my goal weight. That is if I can
sustain a 2kg/week loss. However, all my research and all I have been told says
that isn’t possible. I will hit a plateau, I won’t lose 2kgs ever week and of
course, as I drop weight my BMR will also go down and I will need to up my
caloric burn to sustain the loss. If I can keep up an average 1 kg loss all
year then I can potentially get under 100 kgs by birthday and that is what I’m
hoping for. I have hope for that.