Archive | March 2019

Day 50!

Well, I have to be honest with you, because…  well, no one reads this anyway and my aim is to log an honest account of my weight loss journey… I’m super disappointed today. I only lost 300 grams again. Now, if I was under 100 kgs I’d be super stoked with any kind of loss but I’m not. I’m not under 100 kgs and my weekly caloric deficit was over 10,000 calories. 7.700 calories is meant to be 1 kg. So… what happened? Is my metabolism that slow? It does my head in and it leaves me feeling sad and deflated. Not to the point of quitting because let’s face it, a loss is still a loss. I wish it was more, but at least it is a loss and at the end of the day, since I began at the start of February, I’m now down 7.7 kg and that is an amazing effort and I don’t want to lose sight of that. I was just really hoping for a regular loss average of 1 kg a week and I am coming to the point now where I’m going to be under that soon unless I get another couple big losses under my belt. This is now the third time I’ve had a loss of under 1 kg and with how big I am, I really don’t see why it’s such a big ask for me to lose 1 kg a week. I’m not asking for more than that. Still… a loss is a loss so I need to celebrate that win at least. At least I didn’t stay the same weight or worse, put weight on. So yay for 300 grams gone and being 300 grams closer to my goal. Sometimes I just wish it would happen quick you know.

So day 50 already! 50 days I’ve been on this journey. That seems crazy to me because it doesn’t actually feel like that long! Which is a good thing because it means I’m good to keep going.  Yeah, I have my moments where it is super difficult but it’s only moments and I am managing to stay really strong. I do have the occasional time where I will eat more than I should or eat something I wish I hadn’t but overall, I’m doing really well. I wish I could tell what it is during the weeks I lose barely anything why it is that way. Is it just my body holding on a little tighter? Am I eating something that I shouldn’t be? I’m I needing to up my heartrate while exercising? Should I be eating less, am I eat things I shouldn’t? Like, why does it have to be so fucking difficult? I wish, now that I’m in this thing and it’s been 50 days, I wish the weight would just slough away you know? Sometimes it’s not easy to stay positive, sometimes it’s not easy to be looking out for future Samm so she can look back at where I am right now and say thank you for persevering cause we made it. Now I’ve made the decision and I’m super strong in the decision I want results and fast results. I know I’m doing it the right way, the healthy way and it will be a way that will help me sustain the loss but sometimes I wish I could just have gastric sleeve surgery and lost 20 kgs in 2 months.

That has never been my life though. My life has always been about doing what needs to be done without any shortcuts. Well, I’m still determined to be under 100 kg by my 44th b’day. 44 is a good number and I’m looking forward to being 44 so it will be great to be down to the double digits for that year of my life and hopefully keep going and reaching my goal weight by my 45th b’day.

Today, I had 2 very thin slivers of the kids homemade pizza, which included the base but fuck it. I don’t get to eat fun stuff like that for now so I treated myself and it was so fucking good. I hope it doesn’t stuff up next weeks loss too bad.

So despite that, today I won.

Day Forty-Nine

I got to face paint today. That is always a light for me. Because it has been so long the time went really quick too. It was time to go before I’d even really settled in to it. While I’m not really ready to advertise and deal with having to turn back jobs that are on the weekends I’m with my kids, I wish I had more jobs on my non-kids weekend, at least one on those weekends, despite all the reading I have to do for Uni. I’m almost done even the extra reading they suggested this week. Granted I haven’t finished the heavy reading for Tuesday’s class but I feel like I have my head wrapped around it anyway without really needing to read the rest of that one. I’m about halfway through the added on reading for the Wednesday class and that’s all I have to do for the Wednesday class. After this reading there is no more because the week after this week is devoted to the presentations and talking about the written assignment. So it feels good to have that out of the way. After this Wednesday I can just concentrate on remembering my presentation then working on my assignment and then see if they have opened up the next subject on moodle so I can dig into that stuff. As for the bip/bap day, I am just not a fan of this subject :/ nor am I fan of the assignments we need to do for it either. I mean, it’s interesting in its way but I’m far more interested in the practical application of what I’m learning not about knowing what is physiologically going on in my clients body. Yes, what their body is doing can be having an effect on their psychological behaviour but I really do not feel like I need to be going SO in depth with this topic. I’m not studying psychiatry where I could be prescribing drugs for my clients, I don’t need to know how the HPA axis works or how stress affects the immune system. All I need to know is that stress affects us and the consequences of that but who am I to say it’s not somehow relevant.

I didn’t get a chance to go to the grocery store today though and I am all out of most of my salad ingredients and by the time the face painting gig was done woollies was closed, so I treated myself to two pieces of fish and 4 mini spring rolls for dinner. Probably not the best option with the breadcrumb surrounding the fish and the pastry surrounding the spring roll and I hope it doesn’t stuff up all the work I’ve done this week and I still get a loss for my weigh-in tomorrow. I guess we will see.

I still feel like I won today though.

Day Forty-Eight

Today was ordinary. Did my MT lines that took far longer than it should because my heart really wasn’t in it being that it’s a Saturday. Then I have spent the rest of the day reading text for my uni course which leaves my brain stretched and fatigued. I tried to do some stuff for the shared poster presentation but I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I know all sorts of stuff about the immune response but I don’t feel like I have anything to contribute to our poster and the presentation which leaves me feeling depleted. There’s just so much to read and so little time to read it and it all does my head in on the weekends when I should be relaxing but again, there’s just no time. I did force myself to sit down and watch a movie while I ate dinner tonight and I still managed to go for a walk tonight. Didn’t make my step count but still it was better than nothing. Even went out and stood with the sun on my skin twice today. Probably not for as long as I should but at least it was something and again, better than nothing.

I really have no urge to cheat on this OF program which Is great. I probably eat far too much protein most days but thankfully, at the weight I am, I feel like I have a grace period this year where I can get away with it and not have to be so strict. As long as I’m continuing to lose weight and I push through any time I don’t lose weight, then I’m good. I’m happy. I really do hope I make it to under 100 kg before my b’day. That would be amazing. Looking forward to feeling better in my body.

Practiced the 10-minute presentation today. Took me 8-minutes and that is going to have to be good enough because I don’t feel like I can extend it much further than that. I’ll see how it goes when I do it for the kids. I hope I reach the point where I don’t need notes to do it when it comes to the day I have to present. It truly will be far more impressive and engaging if I don’t have to rely on notes.

Anyway, I’m exhausted mentally, plus it’s late. But today, I won.

DAY FORTY-SEVEN

I woke up feeling pretty good today. I’m not sure what it was. Was it because I took the two iodine tablets and they helped? I didn’t get any extra or better sleep than usual. Was it because I spent an hour listening to Jim Kwik this morning? I don’t know. I’m not sure what it was but I woke up and I was in a pretty damn good mood and it’s sustained the whole way through the day making today a really great day. Went and bought my girl her iPhone 6 and she is super excited and happy with it and her joy gives me joy. No doubt her father hates it but I’m about giving my kids what THEY want, not what I want them to want! If iPhone gives her that much joy then why force her to be an android user until she is old enough to buy her own iPhone?

I got a little bit of study done but I feel like I need to do a bunch more before bed even though it’s already late and I have to actually go for a walk tonight because there was no walking places today like the past 3 days, so I still have just over 2000 steps to go before I reach my daily goal. I ate well today. Didn’t do any caving or craving really. Oh and bonus points, getting my girls iPhone I look outside and there’s a sheet sale and I’ve been thinking for awhile now that I really need to get us all new sheets so bam, cheap sheets for us all. The king singles were down to $10 from $35 and the queen full set was only $30 down from almost $100, so winning at life right now. I felt a bit bad about spending money on it because it is best for me to stretch my $$ as far as I can but it turns out the Universe has rewarded me and I got some study assist payments and payment for an upcoming gig already, so it kind of felt like a justification for finally buying us sheets! Next on the list, new pillows for everyone! It will feel so lovely to slide into bed tonight on clean sheets and a clean pillowcase.

Today, I definitely won. Today has been a great day!

Day Forty-Six

Went to bed at 9 pm and was still awake at midnight. It probably didn’t help that just as I was falling asleep I came up with what I could do my Uni presentation on so thought I should actually write it down so I didn’t forget! I’m glad I did thought because I think it is exactly what I need to share and it touches on a lot of what we have been studying and I feel like I could get a really good mark for the presentation. I’m actually kind of excited about it even though I’ll likely be in fight-or-flight response come the day of the presentation… that is fighting not to flee!! I wonder if I could harness the excitement part and just teach myself to enjoy! That would be amazing and let’s face it, I’m amazing and doing amazing things this year. This year is being a really fucking good year, though I had this feeling it would be. Not always easy, not by a long shot, the stress is pretty high, but a good year nonetheless and let’s face it, I think I thrive on stress! At least on acute stress. I actually think I thrive on chronic stress too, unfortunately my body is exhausted by it but maybe I can help support my body via the food I eat and the exercise I do and the mental attitude I’m trying to create and some spiritual practice thrown in for good measure. I mean that is what it’s all about right? The four houses and living a holistic (whole) life?

I seem to be in super study mode, something has opened my brain wide and activated it and that is amazing except for the fact that I now have to try and wind down and go to sleep and I’m not sure how to do that. I think it was the video I watched that combined science with art, the drawing while they explained was the best thing ever! I just went and had a look at the whole channel and there is SO MUCH I want to watch. I’m glad they’re just short videos yet so informative and the illustrations as he goes along are incredibly helpful in helping me understand some of this stuff. I wish he did more on stress seeing as that is what we’re currently learning about.

Anyway, went to the naturopath today, turns out my iodine levels are pretty damn low and she recommends iodine supplements. The ones she recommends are so expensive but I figure even cheaper ones with less good stuffs is still going to benefit me… right? So I’ll invest in some iodine tablets and start taking them… well isn’t that hilarious. I just looked at my table and I actually have a bottle of iodine tablets sitting right there. See, I already knew. I always know. I really need to fully trust my intuition especially when it comes to medical stuff. I seem to have this deep medical intuition that goes well beyond my cognitive knowledge that always turns out to be right. Every time I go to the doctor I tell them exactly what is wrong and they do the right tests for it and always confirm what I’m saying. I always know what I need and what is right for me. I need to trust that more. Why spend copious amounts of money on tests and appointments when I know deep within me what is right and wrong about my health. Easier said than done though right?

Well this year I’m listening to one of the things my allies have been screaming at me about for years. My weight. It is time to get a healthier weight again and I’m doing so well so far. It has only been 6.5 weeks and I’m already down 7.4 kgs. That is excellent! I am so excited by that and so grateful this energy/motivation is lasting me. I really hope I ride it all the way down to a healthier weight.

So, today, I won! Super won! I’m amazing.

Day Forty-Five

I am always so damn tired when I get home from a full day at uni and my head is full and fuzzy and I don’t feel like doing anything but sitting on the lounge. So I was super slack with eating and I just realised, I didn’t even have my night shake last night. I just ate 2 chicken thighs and drumsticks and that was it 😮 Oh well, at least that will help me continue to lose the weight I guess.

So today, today was a win of sorts.

Day Forty-Four

Apparently, I missed blogging yesterday. Oops. Probably because my computer died in the arse for some reason and I spent most of the day worrying about it and trying to figure out how to get the stupid thing to work just to have it magically work all of a sudden near the end of the day. Seriously, computers are a big what the fuckery.

Today, as always with Tuesdays, I am so mentally fatigued, then I had to do 300 lines in InScribe. I’m so grateful I had a bunch of my favourite and easiest dictator lined up to get me over my line count. Now I have an all dayer to do tomorrow and I’m already tired for that. I had a really lovely guy stand up and offer me his seat on the train today. I was blown away. 1, I somehow manifested that or emitted the kind of energy that allowed another human to want to honour me in such a way, 2, I accepted that honouring though I did notice an essence of guilt and a deep desire to then do something nice for someone else. I did not deserve the seat more than he did just because I am a female, in fact, he deserved the seat more than me simply because he was willing to stand up for the trip and allow me a seat. What an amazing human. I am so grateful for it too because my knee and ankle is still recovering and I was not looking forward to having to stand the whole way into the city.

I’m so damn exhausted I feel like I can barely breathe right now. I am grateful I spend the afternoon on the lounge reading my stuff with the kids jumping on and off me all arvo though. At least I got through most of the reading I had to get done for tomorrow and I got to still be in the energy of the kids.

Now I need to watch a youtube video before I head off to bed and hopefully get some really good sleep so I can wake up feeling much better tomorrow. The impending email I had to send today to Voldemort was weighing on me all damn day, to the point even my teacher came up and asked if I was doing ok today. I didn’t quite realise how much it was affecting me until I realise that she had noticed in a room of 26 other students. Interesting how observant she is. My heart just was not in it today. It probably didn’t help that I feel really out of my depth at times and I struggle to link what I’m learning back to what I will be doing next year in placements.

Anyway, as far as food is concerned, today and yesterday I did well. Seeing a nice big drop on the scales yesterday helped. Oh, that made me remember, I didn’t do my weigh in post! The scales are showing me 134.1 kg now! I’m super stoked with that. That means a 1.4 kg loss last week and that is so motivating! I’m really super hopeful that means I’ll be under 130 kg when I get to camp over Easter. I am so tired I haven’t even had a chance to read the registration pack with all the details yet! I’ll get there, probably on the weekend while I’m trying to work 2 jobs plus read all the stuff I need to read for next week and do work on the poster project and put together my 10 minute presentation… I seriously don’t know how I will manage.

Day Forty-Two

I’m really struggling today for some reason. Perhaps it is because I have had to read so much for my course and so my brain is probably craving a feed. Also, it leaves me tired and when I’m tired, I definitely crave carby/sugary foods and easy foods, not foods that you have to spend time preparing like a salad. I succeeded in not caving though, even though I went to the shops today, so that right there is a win. I’m just noticing that it is hard today and my inner fat bitch is being particularly loud and insisted today. It doesn’t help that I’m expending a bunch of energy cleaning as well in preparation for Tuesdays inspection. All of that is leaving me just wanting to be held, supported, and food does that for me.

It was exceptionally difficult to not eat any bread today. The fight was real today. It was so real. Visceral. Intense. It took a very, very deep effort to say no and to keep saying no, over and over and over again. I made one kidlet jaffles, the other eggs on toast and it took every ounce of my will to not just say fuck it and eat one slice of bread. I knew if I ate one I’d eat more. I feel exhausted with the effort of it.

Day Forty-One

I feel like lately I’m getting worse and worse, lest strict, and making excuses or compensating. Like today I ate a whole pack of those twiggy stick meat things and to justify that, I didn’t have an OF for lunch, but a whole pack of twiggy sticks is like 600 calories and the OF is only 201. I had a good dinner but I haven’t done my 5500 steps today either. I feel like this stuff is happening more and more and so I’m worrying that it’s starting to slip and slide and that I’m going to find myself off track again soon.

Has my motivation waned? How do I get another dose of that? If it’s not that, then what is my motivation? There’s nothing else strong enough. I guess it’s hard to sustain that deep desire when there’s nothing pressing on your mind. I’m certainly not doing it for myself or for my health. I’m not doing it for my kids. I don’t know. I mean, I’m not completely off the wagon, I’m still very much on it and I am loving losing weight and maybe this slipping and sliding is okay and it’s not going to snowball and I will continue on. I hope I continue on because I really want to be at least under 100 kgs before I have to meet her.

Really, other than the twiggy sticks though – which is just fake meat with no gluten at least – I did ok today. I needed to feed my brain anyway after all the damn reading for Uni which I still have a veritable shit tonne of left to do. Plus I have to clean the damn house tomorrow.

Today, I didn’t win out right, but I didn’t lose either.

Day Forty

40 days I have now been doing this and I have to admit, today was a slacker. I didn’t have 3 shakes today, just two, I ate a bunch of popcorn and had a bunch of mnm’s and my dinner was mostly just cheese and a couple salady things. So, I didn’t do a good job today. Having said that, roughly, my caloric intake was still in a good range and I walked up all those damn steps again and down the steps. So I’m hoping I did a good lot of burning to make up with my not so good eating today.

The four hours at LA went so quick and I feel worried that I didn’t do well enough. I hope I did. It would be interesting to have a job there and earn better money and perhaps have more time to study and/or play. I had thought maybe I could still do 200 lines of MT 5 days a week with OzeScribe but after coming home today after just 4 hours, I just couldn’t sit here and do the 500 lines I needed to do.

I’m still so torn about the whole thing.

She said she would call me on Monday. I will try not to think about that. I have a whole weekend of study and cleaning ahead of me and I need to make up for the lines I didn’t get finished today.

Today, I don’t feel like I won so much when it came to the releasing of fat journey but today was one day and tomorrow is another, so tomorrow, I will win… I hope.