Archive | April 2019

Day 68

Today was more stressful than I thought it was going to be. Got my lines done slowly, got my gurl’s pavlova base and managed to avoid seeing one Leo only to be forced into having dinner in the presence of and talking to the other Leo. I feel completely exhausted. Then he messages me on facebook later telling me how hyper he is cause he ate too much ice cream and now he feels like going and doing karaoke. That’s nice, we are not friends. We will never be friends. You fucking destroyed me and I’m still struggling to find some of the pieces let alone put them back together again. Just because I was forced to have dinner with you because we share a child does not mean I am all of a sudden your friend or even on friendly terms with you. This was the first time I have seen you since I discovered via our daughter – not you – that you had a girlfriend. I have literally not had to look at your stupid face or talk to you in person and I like that just fine. I want nothing to fucking do with you, you are an arsehole. Arsehole isn’t even adequate to describe you. I hope and pray for her sake that she doesn’t ever have to know the you I know because no one deserves that. So I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re hyper and want to go sing karaoke. I am not going to magically start talking to you just because we share a daughter and had to have family dinner. I hope I don’t have to see or talk to you in person again until our son’s b’day and even then I wish I didn’t have to. I am so fucking done with you.

As for food, it was an ok day. I did have half a glass of fizzy but it wasn’t that good which is why I didn’t even finish it. I had a huge plate of salad which wasn’t as good as the salad I make myself at home and I ate baby gurls meat but that wasn’t really any more than I would normally eat anyway I don’t think, so I don’t feel like I cheated today at all really.

So fuck it, today, I win!

Day 67

So maybe today I didn’t win so much. I had a heaped pile of mash potato for dinner 😮 Not a lot else but still that would have kicked me right out of ketosis. So I am not feeling confident that I will lose any weight this week :/ Though as long as I lose at least 100 grams right? Anything is better than nothing.

Went to the new psychologist today. She seems lovely. I felt heard and understood. She acknowledged how I wouldn’t even realise I was in a toxic relationship when I grew with a narcissistic mother, a family with addictive behaviours and abusive etc. When I said I’m terrified of people she said that stems from trauma and I went through a lot of trauma so of course I am terrified. When I said I have trouble in social situations and making and maintaining and trusting friends she said, of course I do! When I hear my history laid out like it was today I too really see how amazing I am because I am where I am and not dead or a junkie or drunk etc. I’ve made good choices for me and I’m doing a good job. Anyway, she seems nice but still, it must have undug some stuff for me seeing as I caved and ate the mash potato instead of giving the kids more.

It is what it is I guess. I can only do the best I can do in any given moment and that moment kind of sucked. I doubt I’ll eat much tomorrow at Sizzler though there are a couple different salads I wanna try but I’m not interested in stuffing myself stupid. Besides, my favourite skirt keeps getting looser and I’m not sure if that’s just this strange thing that happens where my clothes grow or if it’s because I really am losing weight. I’ll just pretend it’s a symptom of my weight loss.

So I may not have won today but I didn’t lose either.

Day 66

First day of the new subject. I love this subject because I get to just play with drawing and art all day. Next week we aren’t even going into the classroom. We’re going to the art gallery and exploring the art gallery! That’s pretty exciting. I’m partnering up with Sarah which is great. Connected with her on messenger which I’m happy about because I like her. She’s one of my favourite people in the course.

Feeling really dumb again today though. Got partnered up with the person who reminds me of my fricking youngest sister on a number of levels, only she seems nicer than my youngest sister and I am pretty sure she’s been home schooled which means she’s probably a hell of a lot more intelligent than me and she definitely made me feel inferior today and old… Now, I don’t normally feel old but she said something when she was telling me about using google documents that came across like I’m old so I might not be so technology able. I ignored it but it definitely got my goat up. Then she kept using big words and she had already begun working on our presentation and I felt 10 steps behind. It probably doesn’t help when it all feels well beyond my brain capacity and I’m already doubting whether I’m even capable of doing this course :/

So, today was a pretty big day and very intensive and apparently I’ve had some emotions come up which is interesting. Something I have experienced today has bought up some old wounding and either I’m imagining it or it really happened but one of the humans (because you know we’re all gender fluid so wouldn’t want to offend anyone….) saw me waiting for the elevator to go down to the train platform and, well I read micro expressions I think that’s a big part of how and why I know what someone is thinking/feeling when combining that with energy, and she gave this very brief look of contempt toward me. She didn’t realise I saw her first out of the corner of my eye then my eyes turned toward her without me needing to turn my head toward her. She, I imagine, doesn’t even know I saw her see me.

As for food stuff, I did good today. So go me. Today, I won.

Day 65

Half uni day today. It felt yuck going while the kids were left at home with TeenBoy. It was hard enough doing my MT work yesterday with them here when all I wanted to do was just hang out with them. It took me all day just to get my minimum lines done! But at least they got to come with me to the face painting gig tonight. It’s a good one. I really do love working for BABI. They’re a great organisation. It was a non-stop 3 hours of painting too! I love how much I’m loved by them all 😀

I ate way too many LBDs today  and the kids had the fruit and chocolate fudge out when I got home so I had a bunch of that so today, I didn’t win so much cause I also haven’t made my 5000 steps because I had to drive into uni instead of train it in.

So today, not so much winning. But it’s just one day and tomorrow will be better.

Day 64

Weigh in day! Woot woot, down 1 kg on the dot. Not as much as I was hoping for but still a really good effort and better than nothing right? I am literally 400 grams away from losing my first 10 kg!! Yeap, I’m now 9.6 kg down from when I started OF and 23.9 kg since my highest recorded weight!

I have to admit, cause well I’m here to be real and honest n shit, as much as I’m grateful for the weight I’ve lost, I’m also disappointed that I can’t see a single bit of difference yet. It’s super disappointing. I’m not noticing any clothes fitting better or getting loser, I can’t see a difference at all when I look in the mirror and even when I look at the selfies I take each day, unless I really study them, I’m not seeing any difference there at all. How long does it take to notice a difference? I mean, 10 kgs is a lot of fucking weight. If I was 60 kg there would be a huge difference. But I’m not. I’m 131.9 kg and 10 kgs is really nothing in the great scheme of things so it can be disheartening and disappointing and leave me feeling like nothing is ever going to change and I’m never going to look any different.

But yay, 1 kg down this week and that is a great effort. I hope I can do another 1 kg this week or more.

Today, I won.

Day 63

Well I got all my readings for Uni done and I finished the stupid 2500iword assignment. That was no easy fricking task and all I can hope for is a passing mark, the rest is up to the universe, I guess. I did my part. I tried to do some work on the stupid poster project that has pretty much set me right back to square fucking one but I’m so annoyed and so uni’d out that I gave up and just watched trashy tv instead. That has pretty much been MY ENTIRE FUCKING DAY!

I have actually had a solid eats day today too. Nothing different or extra other than a cuppa tea. No cravings or anything actually. I did really notice though that my brain kept searching for something when I was just sitting watching trashy tv. I noticed that I wasn’t hungry at all but my brain kept asking for things, chocolate, popcorn, chocolate milk. I, of course, said no, but it was interesting to note it’s yammering. It was interesting to notice me noticing too and the fact that I consciously acknowledged that I’m not even hungry I was just bored and that I don’t put stuff in my body just because I’m bored anymore. So… winning at life today.

Day 62

I tell you, this uni thing is stressing me out. Having to find adequate references for shit, trying to figure out how to do a presentation with two other people, feeling like I could tick one pending assessment off the list just to have it rearranged and changed on me after I thought I was done so I feel like I basically have to start all over again. It makes me sick. Then Bella is here walking around my chair meowing at me as I’m sure she can feel my stress rising. It’s all so overwhelming. I can really feel the load right now and I just want to get some shit done in order to lessen the tension. I’m not sure if I can make it. But I’m not sure if I can NOT make it either. I wish I could have a glimpse into what my world will look like if I manage to pass this damn bachelor and get a job that pays me in the field. I definitely don’t want to fucking run my own business and work for myself. I really just want someone else to pay me and pay me some superannuation and to get paid holidays would be amazing.

It is interesting to note that it’s not, that I’m consciously aware of, making me reach for food. So that is super interesting. Normally my go-to with stress is junk food. Feed me chocolate and chips and cake and ice cream and fizzy drink and cookies and bread… but I have zero desire for any of that stuff. That feels good, to not have that particular demon on my back hounding at me. I hope that is a thing now. I hope that is something that has been released from me now with thanks to Ereshkigal. I feel like journeying with her in a really conscious way has seriously changed my life.

I just don’t know if I can do any more assignment work today. I would like to try and read a bit more of next weeks reading for the new subject just to get that out of the way though. I need to see what needs to be done over the weekend I’m away to see if I can get extra done before that so I don’t end up falling behind or having to spend my whole long-weekend away reading uni stuff. I think a walk is in order, then a cuppa and I’ll do some reading before bed then I can work on getting the 2500-word assignment done tomorrow hopefully and get some work done on the immune system crap. Blah.

Today, I won.

Day 62

Went and saw the dietitian today. Nothing special there. She weighed me and I was down to 132.1 kg which was really nice to see but as usually, it doesn’t count until Monday. Still, it would be nice to see myself get into the 131 range, especially if I got to 131.5 kg cause that would mean a 10 kg drop! That would be cause for celebration! BUT having said that, I just ate 4 lamb chops *shakes head sadly* I just shouldn’t buy lamb chops. Or I should buy the little 2 pack even though it’s more expensive or something cause I should know better. I find it difficult to not just eat it all. And it’s so expensive. I mean, I was meant to have 2 tonight and 2 tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn’t have pre-prepared and put the raw ones back in the fridge. I was just thinking I was saving time and dishes. So that is something to work on. I hope it hasn’t completely destroyed my chances of getting down into the 131 range.

Trying to work on my uni assignment today and my head is all fuzzy with too much stuff and I can’t seem to sort out my thoughts straight. This referencing bizo is giving me the shits. And having to find a minimum of 6 fucking references… 6 separate references no less! I mean, I could do 6 references, but separate ones? I’m wondering if I have to cut down on the rich description that comes first cause how I am meant to fit in 6 separate references is beyond me. I would really love to get the damn thing done and dusted by the end of the weekend and submitted. Though I do need to read for next weeks new class and I got a last minute gig tomorrow which is awesome! Also need to find time to hang out with BuddyBoy 😀

Anyway, today, I win!

Day Sixty

Not much to report today really. Did my MT lines. Let myself sleep-in til almost 9 am, figured I deserved it after yesterday. Dropped TeenBoy to work, came home did my lines, did some study, picked up TeenBoy, got his dad a cake for his b’day today, went to his dad’s gave him his present and cake, Storme had some cake, I petted MC lots and it was cute cause he kept patting me with his paw to get me to pat him more. Home, made me and the TeenBoy an omelette. Never really made one before. Added sauted mushrooms and chicken to it, some herb or other, salt, pepper and cheese. It was actually really delicious! It was so good I’m full so I won’t be having my night OF. I imagine the eggs will keep me going safely through the night. Just back from my walk now and starting to feel super tired. Not as tired as last Thursday though, so that’s a bonus. I think it could have something to do with my 9 hours of sleep!

So, today I win.

Day 59

The dreaded presentation day. I seriously hate it. I don’t see how any amount of exposure, or over exposure could ever make me feel better about having to do this and the worst part is, this is just the first presentation of many! Maybe I could have made it easier for myself like so many others did and just read out something, or put on some music and such but if I’m going to be seen, then I’m gonna be seen you know…

I didn’t get to go first, which probably turned out for the better. I feel like mine had more punch, more impact, right at the end. Plus, you always remember the first and last of things, so at least Ildiko will remember mine well. I got 17 intersubjective responses, so I was missing one, potentially 2 if you include Ildiko but I don’t think she gave me a response but again, I don’t think she particularly likes me to be honest. Then again maybe she gave me one and 2 of the other students did not. I can’t think who didn’t though. All I know is I got 17 responses and there were 19 in the class including me.

Not that it matters. What I got was more than enough. The feedback from people was lovely. I did get a lion, which I’m truly not sure about but hey it was nice of them to respond. I got some really heartfelt and touching responses which I’m super grateful for. It was also good to hear from people afterwards and hear how they related and they felt the same way. We all have that Inner Critic who likes to push shit down right?

I was pretty annoyed by one of the people I was sitting next to though. I find her super disruptive and super disrespectful. If there are ever conversations happening when the teacher is trying to talk… she seems to be involved. Every single time. Then she was talking to me while Ildiko was talking and I missed the first bit but I think I just cut the girl off as I focused my attention on Ildiko because I’m not going to carry on a conversation while the teacher is talking. It is almost like this girl is so unaware beyond the scope of her immediacy that she doesn’t even realise sometimes that the teacher is talking. Or rather, a nicer way of looking at it is, that she becomes so absorbed in the conversation she is having with you that she has no awareness of anything else. Being a hyper-aware person and a respectful person, I find that super frustrating. Also, today’s class was about doing a presentation and witnessing everyone else’s presentations. All she did all day was sit behind her computer typing up school stuff. She barely ever came into the circle when asked, she sat outside the circle, she barely participated and she definitely did NOT actively listen, which I find extremely rude for the presenter. She gave me a drawing of a dragon. I wonder if that’s the only thing she really heard because she was otherwise too wrapped up in her school work on her laptop. I don’t know, I just found it rude, not that she is rude, she’s not, she seems super lovely actually, just her actions that I find rude. Also, we all had to do our presentations in front of the whole class but she didn’t and I caught word of how she will be doing it in front of Ildiko only. I think that is ridiculously unfair. I hope I never end up in some kind of group presentation with her cause fuck that. I won’t carry her. I find it hard enough to carry myself in these situations. Dammit, I get it. I get how horrible it is to stand up and do a presentation. I barely remember mine, I’m pretty sure I was out of body the whole time. I don’t know if I read the words on the paper properly! I was shaking for a good half hour afterwards internally, my mouth went dry during, my body heated up afterward so I felt like I had a fever and I felt so fucking drained I could barely move or think. I was so done. But I fucking got up and I did what was expected of me like everyone else did. I feel like she is missing a large chunk of the experience. I don’t fucking like it, but I did it. It annoys me that she got to just do it in front of Ildiko.

So, I’ve had a draining day. I’m so tired. Fitbit tells me I only got 5.5 hours sleep last night and I’m feeling it now as I begin to wind down for bed. I haven’t over eaten though, so that is a good thing. So today, today I fucking won big time!