Day 105

Feeling rather meh today. I think it’s mostly the feedback and marks from my presentations which is ridiculous because they are at least pass marks and that is all I need. I do not need to be the top of the class. I just need to pass. However, that doesn’t magically make the emotions go away. I was also dreaming about getting my essay back and only getting 55/100 for it and the typed piece of paper was covered in red comments telling me what I missed or should have written about. Mike (from Uni) was in it and he seemed relieved to hear that I had gotten so low.  So that has just been weighing on me I guess. Also my essay is just all sorts of befuddled and I simply do not know how to sort it out. It is driving me a little bonkers. I just want to get it done so I can stop thinking about it. So instead I cleaned the kitchen then spent half the day watching tv.

I’m just left wondering if I should have taken the art/therapist path or if I should have followed a writing/English/Librarian/book path of some sort, or maybe even gone for graphic design. I don’t know. I’m just feeling all out of sorts and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been for enough walks that I reached my step count even though it’s a Sunday. I’ve been in the sun, I got laundry done and cleaned the kitchen so I’ve been active-ish yet I have this sinkhole in my gut and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m currently fighting not to have another liquorice or a big glass of chocolate milk. I’ve already had one liquorice today, I don’t think I’m going to succeed in not having a second.

I mean, I guess today I won but there is this emptiness inside me and I can’t figure out what it is or how to fill the emptiness or remove it entirely. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I’m on the right path. I don’t know anything.

Day 104

Well, apparently, I missed the mark on my presentation. My teacher and marker seemed to think I was talking about face painting… and I wasn’t. I was just utilising face painting as a way to evoke in my classmates what it was I was experiencing. I clearly did not convey that very well even though the comments made by my classmates afterwards all reflected what I experienced with the acrylic paint and that which I was trying to convey. I thought part of the presentation was to creatively show using more than one medium and utilise performative measures to do so. So while I feel like I explained the dialogue that happened and I engaged the class adequately and I conveyed my experience well, I did not convey it well enough. I only got 10/15. It’s still a pass but still, it leaves me feeling like shit because I think I did a much better job than that. I am extremely creative and I feel like I thought outside the box to convey my experience by utilising a different medium. My teacher seems to think I was talking about my conversation/experience with face paint and I wasn’t.  My experience with face paint is actually completely different to what I was describing in my presentation. So I was obviously not very clear about that. I’m super disappointed and annoyed. I mean, a pass is a pass is a pass but it’s frustrating that the person marking the presentation didn’t get it and didn’t hear the feedback of my other classmates that proved I got across what my experience with the acrylic paint was. I just think this particular teacher is a harsh marker. She is a stickler for time and apparently, she is a grammar and spelling nazi (which is fine, I got that shit) but I think she marks quite harshly. I love this particular subject and feel like I know it very well and all I’m getting is a C grade. I don’t even think I want to know what I will get for the damn essay to be honest. As long as I pass though right? That’s all that matters. Art is subjective and a persons’ experience of it is subjective. Also, the assignments are asking for insights gained via conversations with the art that arise new knowing… It is a rare thing for me to gain new knowing about myself, I’m an extremely self-aware and insightful person so it was going to always be highly unlikely that I gained new knowing during those 5 lessons while I did the art. All the conversations I had during those experientials, well… I already knew it all. So, I guess I just have to fudge my assignment to meet the parameters and give my marker what she wants.

Today was a pretty good day other than seeing my presentation marks. Fucking presentations. Seriously, I hate them. I really hope next trimester doesn’t have so many. Got my MT done really quickly today actually. Just 1 hour to get 200 lines done, so that was great because it meant I got my pledge done before I went to do the face painting and at least at face painting I get to feel amazing because everyone loves my art and I am super praised. That is always a good thing. It’s also nice to be paid in cash and have money to get some food on my way home. Then I bludged the rest of the day watching Walking Dead and crocheting. So, I got no real work done on the essay like I probably should have but I hope to have it pretty much done by the end of the day tomorrow. At least I won’t be expecting high marks from this one. As long as I get a passing grade, I’ll be happy and so far, I have a passing grade. A pass is all that matters. Once I’m out in the field working and gaining experience, no one cares if I got a HD, D or S.

As for food, I did have a chocolate coated liquorice and a huge dinner but it was all good stuff, so I feel like today I won. I also got my step count in, so that is a good thing.

Day 103

Well that’s another work week come and gone. At least on Fridays I get to have my kids energy in my home for a couple hours. It helps me get through the weekend without them. I’m getting so sick of all the dermatology I have to do for MT lately. It takes me so much longer to get my lines done which leaves me no time or energy to do any extra than my pledge amount which sucks because I really need to do more than my pledge amount to get over the bonus line. Still, I finished with enough time to go join up at the library, not that it had any books at all there that I can utelise in my assignments. It’s frustrating. If I had the money I’d just buy all these books because they will be useful to have moving forward anyway but alas, I do not have the money to allocate to things like books at this point in my life. Maybe if I had a husband who could have supported me in the way I supported him when he went to uni to obtain his Masters degree but the man who claimed to love me and care for me and would be there for the rest of our lifetime somehow got it in his head that I was ‘never going to work’ not that he EVER had that conversation with me. Not once did he ask me what my plans for the future were. Not once did he ask me if *I* wanted to do a uni course or if I wanted to get a degree to pursue a career once the kids were older. Somewhere along the line he just assumed I was going to do nothing with my life and so he pushed and pushed and pushed until he left me no choice but to leave thinking it was my doing when all along, I now realise, it was his doing. But he gets to blame me and be the one that was left this way. He just made life so miserable that leaving was my only option if I wanted to survive. Anyway that is neither here nor there because I am alone and supporting myself and that means financial difficulty and lack of emotional or social support that I gave when needed. So, I look for book exerpts online and hope that I can find what I am looking for to support my essays. That turned out to be most of my afternoon when I was chatting with a couple of friends who all of a sudden decided to be all chatty today. Not complaining, just interesting to note.

After that I just kind of bludged the night away crocheting and watching Walking Dead instead of doing more essay work or more MT work. I guess it’s a good way to distract myself from the anxiety welling up in me from the gig I need to attend tomorrow. I really look forward to losing my weight… I want to say I won’t be as anxious anymore about showing up to places where they don’t know me so don’t know how obese I am but who really knows. I mean, I know that is literally the only thing that has me anxious about tomorrow, is my obesity and what everyone will think of it for the first 15 to 20 minutes until I start pumping out amazing faces and they forget about my body and just see my art instead. I love that I am sometimes quite good at manifesting though. I totally put it out to the universe that I needed just one gig this month to help me get through and then look at that… a gig. I’d just like it noted that I would love a few more gigs on the weekends I do not have my kids, just to help re-build up the coffers a little bit and to have some money to buy some uni books and other books I really want to own and read. Like I can find time to do any reading other than uni reading lately… Anyway, food-wise I think I did ok today. Had the last of the nuts which weren’t that many and had a chocolate milk again but other than that just the same old same old, so today, I won. I hope I have a decent enough loss this week.

Day 101 & 102

Wednesday was actually pretty awesome. I wish I had known what I was going to say off by heart and then I might have felt a bit better about my presentation and even though the face paint I did on myself was rushed and messy work and I’d never want to share it with fellow face painters or potential clients, I think it still turned out really well and it did what I wanted it to do. A number of people were impressed and enjoyed the presentation and the feedback of their own experiences with it were truly reflections of what I was trying to portray so it was effective and did its job. I’m not sure if Jen got it and I’m not entirely sure what I was saying a lot of the time but I got a lot of good feedback around it so that was good. Then of course a handful of the ladies wanted pretties before we left and I actually ended up getting a number of hugs of random women who I never would have thought would have offered me a hug so that was interesting and little disturbing to me. There was that lonely small part of me that was all, woohoo I have friends now and then in stomped that big protective part of me that went, no they just got what they wanted from you and that is all. They are not your friends. That part of me isn’t wrong. There are a couple of the ladies I would think of as blossoming friendships but a few of the ladies I received hugs from are not people I see myself ever being friends with beyond this course. Not because I don’t like them, they are all truly lovely in their own unique ways, simply because I know they aren’t ‘my’ people and they aren’t going to enrich my life in a way I want to be enriched and I’m just not going to settle for 2nd or 3rd best in my life. That’s never been what my life is about and thus, I end up quite lonely and alone but that is actually a price I’m willing to make because there is never going to be another Nivannii or Voldemort in my life ever again. People really need to earn their place in my life.

Anyway, I’m so relieved it’s over and done with and hopefully I get a good mark. It’s such a lot of stress over just 15% of the overall grade though, holy hell. Give me a 2,500 word essay over a presentation any day of the week!

That’s what I’ve been working on all evening actually. My 2,500 word essay for this subject. It’s quite interesting actually cause it’s just an expansion of the presentation really. I wrote the rich description part now I just have to fine quotes and citations/references from academic types to add into it all to support what I’m saying, that’s what I’ve spent this evening doing mostly. Going through one of the three textbooks I have and picking out parts to potentially use. I can’t believe how late it is already. It’s pretty  much time for bed and I would still love to keep working on the essay and finding quotes but I should probably call it a night. Maybe if I hadn’t procrastinated all day and taken so long to get my MT work done I might have had more time. I admit I also spend far too much time sitting on the lounge crocheting my new blanket and watching Walking Dead! But, the assignment isn’t due for another 2 weeks yet so I guess there is no real rush.

Foodwise, I did relatively well today. I did have some nuts and I allowed myself a chocolate milk and some pork rinds but otherwise I did ok. Nothing over the top or overboard, no take out – not that I have the money for that shit lately, so I did well. Today and yesterday, I won!

Day 100

Day 100? Wow, that’s quite the accomplishment really isn’t it. 100 days! I had a massive cheat today though. I ate way too much ice cream. I blame the stress of having to do the presentation tomorrow. At least it’s only Tuesday and I have 5 days to work it off and do better to hopefully get a good loss this week. We’ll see. Hopefully the stress of tomorrow’s presentation will burn an extra chunk of calories for me.

I was so tired today and I don’t even know what. I mean yeah I only got 6.5 hours sleep but that’s not exactly unusual for me and the sleep I got was solid, so I don’t know why I was so damn tired today. So tired I could barely concentrate on what was happening. It was a relief to get home. I also scored a gig this weekend! Thank you universe! That $160 is going to come in extremely handy. I am so unbelievably grateful for this gig and extra money in my bank. Now I can pay for petrol and put money back in to pay for the car payment next week and put some of that money toward feeding the kids next week. What a fucking relief I can’t tell you. I could definitely use a couple more but I’ll take what I can get. I hope they aren’t too disappointed by my weight. Doesn’t it suck how that is where my mind goes. To my weight and how overweight I am and how judged I will be… until they see my amazing face painting. Then they won’t give a shit how fat I am because I am truly an amazing face painter. I need to remember that tomorrow and know that face paint and my rich description is plenty enough to describe the experience I had with both the oil pastels and the paint. I so fucking got this. I just need it to be done already.

So now it’s almost time for bed and even though I had a lot of ice cream tonight, today I still won.

Day 97, 98 and 99

Apparently, I didn’t write anything over the weekend. Had a big walking day on Saturday cause I took the kids in to the city to go to the art galleries and walk around Southbank markets. It was a really good day. Bee got a bit bored with the galleries but I really enjoyed it all. I was fucking exhausted and in lots of pain in the end. Didn’t get myself an ice cream when I got the kids one but I got a coffee. Got to feel the sand between my toes at the city beach. It was such a beautiful day for it too. The air was cool and crisp and the sky was a perfect blue everywhere. Plus, it didn’t cost any money other than my own train trip because the kids apparently ride free on the weekend! It left me feeling fulfilled and good cause we went out and did stuff and the kids loved the train trip.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. Debbie asked if Storme n I wanted anything from Canada and I basically said all I want is time with my kids on Mike’s week still hah. I adore Debbie and I think she likes me but with the new girlfriend she may not feel like she needs to be so loyal anymore, who knows. As long as I get to see my kids during Mike’s week and I’m more than happy for her to have them on the Wednesdays and I want to go to the visioning for CloudCatcher next year and that is of course on my weekend, so I’m going to ask if she would like to have the kids that day so I can go down the coast. The kids gave me lovely cards they made themselves (the only kind of cards I like) and Bee gave me the stuff he bought me with my own money from the school Mother’s Day stall and Aurora gave me bits and bobs of her own stuff. I guess Voldemort doesn’t feel like it’s his job to spend his money on me for the kids to be able to get me anything. I’ll still buy him stuff for the kids to give him even though he doesn’t fucking deserve it cause it’s an arsehat. Teenboy at least managed to say Happy Mothers Day but it was his father who came and made me dinner, his father who still put in the effort even though Teenboy is now 19 and should be thinking of and doing these things himself. But we all know TeenBoy is still TeenBoy and at least 3 years behind his actual physical age. I do myself not to get down about these things because I know they love me even if they don’t even know how to show it. It was nice to have dinner made for me but it was toad in the hole which meant two pieces of bread. Also I bought ice cream and caramel mudcake for a treat.

That leads me to today. Weigh in day. I was not expecting much. I actually feared I’d put on weight again but was hoping to at least lose what I put on last week. I was very pleasantly surprised I have to say when I looked down and saw 127.8 kg! That’s a loss of 1.9 kg! I was NOT expecting that! I was so happy about that. Especially because I had McDonalds early in the week then I’d had bread and ice cream and cake the day before. I guess the 10,000+ steps I did when we went into the city helped make up for it. So happy! I’m 300 grams off my 1 kg/week goal but still, a loss is a loss and it was a good one and I feel back on track and it makes me wonder if I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe I’m not doing as badly as I think I am doing!

So I had the last piece of cake with morning tea this morning cause it needed to be eaten. I made the kids take a piece each to school so there wouldn’t be so much here. Other than that I had my OF and dinner, so today, I think I did well! Come the end of the week I’ll have to do exceptionally well because I have no money left at all. It was pretty much buy myself food, or buy Bella food and more magnesium and seeing as I know depression likes to sink it’s claws into me when I don’t take magnesium, then magnesium and, of course, Bella, won! So I don’t exactly have a lot of food to eat over the next 6 days. I want to lose more weight anyway… right?!

So now we’re all caught up. I lose weight and I’m super happy about that. I hope I lose 1.3 kg at least next week and that will put me back on the 1 kg/week train so I can be under 100 kg by Bee’s next b’day. That would be amazing. Funnily enough, I’m in the 120’s, I’m now down 13.4 kgs and I am still not noticing any difference. What the fuck is up with that? Maybe by the time I hit the 1-teens I will begin to notice. It’s probably a good thing though because I don’t have any money to buy myself any  new clothes! It’s going to get to the point where I’m going to only have like 2 different outfits left to wear. That’s future Samm’s problem.

So despite the cake this morning, today, I win!

Day 96

Did a sneaky weigh in but I was in my tracksuit pants and my jacket. Even so, it’s not a promising weight. I’m well within the 130 range and that leaves me feeling like shit. I don’t know how to make myself do better. I don’t know how to stop myself eating as much as I do or exercising at a higher intensity. I feel like I’ve fallen into the ‘meh, don’t care’ attitude again which sucks. I really want to reach under 100 kg by my b’day but at this rate, it’s not going to happen. I need to kickstart myself back into a 3 shakes a day and one small salad with protein a day thing again. It’s not like I can afford any food at all this coming week so who knows, by the end of the week next week I may just be living on 3 OF shakes a day and that’s it cause I don’t even know if I have enough money to buy lettuce come the end of next week.

Did well with my MT today though. Got over 800 lines done and 300 of them at the higher helper login rate of 9.5 cpl. Hopefully that helps boost my income a little for next month, which is needed cause I have to pay for the rego for TeenBoy’s car at the end of this month I believe, plus I’ll be all out of OF shake by then too and need to spend a good $300 to build my supplies back up by then I imagine. I seriously need some face painting gigs to build up my money stores.

I haven’t really done a lot else today, just relaxed and did some crochet which I haven’t done for some time now and watched tv with the kids. It was a nice cruisy afternoon actually and I don’t feel like I over ate at all today. In fact, I fought and fought and fought myself all damn day to not go and get chocolate or a McDonalds sundae or to buy something like a doughnut today when I went to get milk. I have literally fought my brain to not get every single one of those things today and I am so grateful I won because that leaves me feeling like I won. There have been a lot of resisting and fighting against things today and I won every time, so go me! Yeah, today was a hard fucking day. Migraines always make me want to just shove shit in my gob but I didn’t. I had a bunch of nuts but otherwise I ate no different to a normal OF day from the early days and I really need to acknowledge that and acknowledge that I won today! I won so many times today. I continued on my journey today. I didn’t give in or give up today. I wouldn’t say I cared today, because I didn’t, I wanted and I wanted but there must be something in me that does care and that is strong and that stood up for me today so thank you, that part of me, whatever or whoever you are, thank you. I am so grateful to say I didn’t cave today. Today, I won!

Day 94 and 95

Didn’t turn the computer on yesterday so no blog post for yesterday. Probably a good thing. I was exhausted. As much as it was a day full of just doing art, it takes a lot out of you because it’s not JUST art, it’s emotional processing and using the art as a dialogue for what is going on within you around a particular thing. The first process we did was great, I enjoyed it so much. We set an intention for the art and were basically given an hour and half to do the art and then journal about it. I chose paint, which is unusual for me at Uni, normally I won’t want to use paint at uni because it’s messy and I don’t want to clean it up but paint was just calling. I got a massive piece of paper, A1 and I just went to town. I got to use as much paint as I wanted to without worrying about how much money it will cost to replace. I loved that so much. I just kept adding and adding paint over and over again and I just used my fingers and hands the whole time and I really loved how the painting turned out too and it had some pretty awesome messages for me. I’d love to get to experience that process again and again. If I knew how to run workshops that is possibly something I would just love to offer.

I put myself out there and asked someone to be my partner for the second one but apparently she had gone through a lot emotionally with the first process so she decided she needed to do the afternoon process with a woman she was familiar with and knew and trusted. I have to admit part of my motivation was to split them up because they have become quite the clique but I can’t say it didn’t hurt me really deep inside and open that wound my inner child likes to nurse. I saw she was really sorry she had already asked her friend and that she kind of wished she could have done it with me but that didn’t stop the pain. Then I ended up having to do the process with the best of the choices I had left that I didn’t want to make so ended up with my Uni puppy who tried to rush her part of the process then had to redo it cause our teacher called her out on going too quickly then she rushed me through my process and cut me off before I was even finished and just projected all her stuff onto my process and my art and left me no space to process it myself. So by the end I was so fucking done. I just wanted to be home away from them all. I was so fucking out. Then in the check out I realised later I was speaking about myself but both my partner and the one who rejected me both could have taken that as being about them, though it wasn’t. Anyway, I left feeling really down and like shit and isolated and alone and not really seen or witnessed. Just like shit really.

I barely ate anything for dinner that night but I did allow myself some banana bread when I was at Uni that day.

Today was just a normal ho-hum day. Found it difficult to fall asleep again last night but got through my lines before having to go get the kids. Managed to get my uni pdf reading done today, now I just need to finish the Illness book which is a pretty easy read and I feel like I can do that over the next couple days, so I feel like I’m on track with the uni stuff. I might practice my presentation with the face paint tomorrow and get a feel of how long it will take me and when to pause in what I’m saying and when to keep going etc. Then on Saturday I think I’ll take the kids to the city and go to the museums for something to do.

I had mash potato again tonight mixed with bits of salad and ham. Probably not the best dinner but I forgot to have a shake for lunch. I ate nuts instead. Anyway, a nothing special day today and now it’s done and soon it is time for bed.

Day 93

Today has been no better. The bleeding is all I can handle really. I just want to curl up in a ball on my lounge in the dark and do nothing all day but eat. And eat I have! I’ve had some of Aurora’s chocolate roll, I’ve had hot skittles, I’ve had chocolate milk. It’s like, dude I’m never going to keep losing weight at this rate :/ I know what I really need is just a cuddle and while Bee is great for that, I need to be held and I need to be supported and I need a human who actually cares about me and loves me for me instead of what they wish I was. I’m just so tired of life sometimes. Not as tired with life as I got when I was still with Voldemort but still… I’m just tired.

Uni couldn’t end fast enough today. I’m so glad she didn’t make us get up and do anything active today holy hell. I just don’t think I could have. I did have to empty my cup before I came home though, which was not the most fun thing to do but it left me feeling better about being in public using the cup rather than other less environmentally and bodily healthy things. Still, I’m looking forward to when the bleeding finishes. Tomorrow should be an easy day of just making art and I guess we’re doing dyads or something, dunno. I’m just tired and lonely and super stressed about money. I feel like I’m working my fucking arse off for nothing and it doesn’t help that this month’s pay is for last month where I had so many days off to go away. Worth it but the strain of no money is a hard one to cope with right now. How on earth does anyone survive on Newstart?! I don’t get it. I was even contemplating asking Syc if I could live in his garage like my mother lived in Nivannii’s garage. I am feeling very stuck. Like I really don’t know what else to do. I’m doing my damn best and it doesn’t feel like it is enough. I never feel like I am enough.

So today has been a crappy day that I’m looking forward to being over.

Day 92

Well, I put ON 500 grams this week apparently ☹ This really annoys me because I haven’t been eating McDonalds or drinking fizzy drink or eating KFC or bread or pasta or pastry or biscuits or doughnuts of meat pies. I’ve been living off fucking OF and salad for months and yeah, I’ve had some nuts, or popcorn or even dark chocolate in moderation but why should that be enough for me to put ON weight. Why is my body so willing to put ON weight and so reluctant to let it drop away? I really do not feel like I can do more than what I do. So that leaves me feeling really deflated. Yes I’m still under 130 kg which is great but it has now destroyed my 1 kg/week average, so I’m feeling really crappy about that and I’m letting myself feel really crappy and disappointed about it. So much that I had McDonalds for dinner with the kids because the shops were closed so we couldn’t buy groceries and I had no cheese and no meat for my salad and just fuck it. No, I’m not off the wagon, I’ll eat properly again tomorrow and moving forward but for tonight, I just let myself have something I love and boy did I love it! So definitely did not win today.

It might not help that I’m bleeding too. I was feeling really down and flat last night and I couldn’t figure out why, lol duh, I’m bleeding! I also acknowledge that my determination and motivation really wavers when I’m bleeding. All I want to do is curl up on the lounge and nap like a cat all day and have someone take care of me. But I still took myself for a walk especially after hearing how apparently Rosanne gets to look after my kids on his week now when he’s going off to see bands or whatever, I don’t even get to have them or see them anymore and that devastates me. It also doesn’t help that he hasn’t bothered to fucking communicate with me about this at all in any way, not to get my permission, it’s not my week it’s not up to me but to at least say hey, I’m seeing someone, we’re serious, I want her to meet our kids and then a hey, we’re so serious she’s going to start sleeping over on my week with the kids every now and then so they might be left alone with her… just so you know. Then how about a, I’ve got a thing and Rosanne wants to spend some time with our kids and I think it is a good bonding experience for them all so she’s gonna hang out with them. Like, is that too much to ask, to expect? It also feels like he keeps not getting a reaction out of me and so he keeps trying to up the ante to get a reaction out of me. Well fuck you arse (cause I know you skim these blog posts) I’m not reacting. It’s none of my damn business. The kids say she’s nice so I’m ok with it, I’m just not ok with the lack of communication and the complete disregard for me and the complete lack of respect for the agreement we had that we would speak to each other before introducing our kids to a new partner. Well, guess I don’t have to communicate now, you’ve let me off the hook, so I won’t. Only thing is, the kids don’t tell you everything like they tell me everything.

So yeah, bleeding, angry, hangry, disappointed, feeling like shit, new moon… I’m so fed up with all the things today and I still do not want to go uni tomorrow.