Day 59

The dreaded presentation day. I seriously hate it. I don’t see how any amount of exposure, or over exposure could ever make me feel better about having to do this and the worst part is, this is just the first presentation of many! Maybe I could have made it easier for myself like so many others did and just read out something, or put on some music and such but if I’m going to be seen, then I’m gonna be seen you know…

I didn’t get to go first, which probably turned out for the better. I feel like mine had more punch, more impact, right at the end. Plus, you always remember the first and last of things, so at least Ildiko will remember mine well. I got 17 intersubjective responses, so I was missing one, potentially 2 if you include Ildiko but I don’t think she gave me a response but again, I don’t think she particularly likes me to be honest. Then again maybe she gave me one and 2 of the other students did not. I can’t think who didn’t though. All I know is I got 17 responses and there were 19 in the class including me.

Not that it matters. What I got was more than enough. The feedback from people was lovely. I did get a lion, which I’m truly not sure about but hey it was nice of them to respond. I got some really heartfelt and touching responses which I’m super grateful for. It was also good to hear from people afterwards and hear how they related and they felt the same way. We all have that Inner Critic who likes to push shit down right?

I was pretty annoyed by one of the people I was sitting next to though. I find her super disruptive and super disrespectful. If there are ever conversations happening when the teacher is trying to talk… she seems to be involved. Every single time. Then she was talking to me while Ildiko was talking and I missed the first bit but I think I just cut the girl off as I focused my attention on Ildiko because I’m not going to carry on a conversation while the teacher is talking. It is almost like this girl is so unaware beyond the scope of her immediacy that she doesn’t even realise sometimes that the teacher is talking. Or rather, a nicer way of looking at it is, that she becomes so absorbed in the conversation she is having with you that she has no awareness of anything else. Being a hyper-aware person and a respectful person, I find that super frustrating. Also, today’s class was about doing a presentation and witnessing everyone else’s presentations. All she did all day was sit behind her computer typing up school stuff. She barely ever came into the circle when asked, she sat outside the circle, she barely participated and she definitely did NOT actively listen, which I find extremely rude for the presenter. She gave me a drawing of a dragon. I wonder if that’s the only thing she really heard because she was otherwise too wrapped up in her school work on her laptop. I don’t know, I just found it rude, not that she is rude, she’s not, she seems super lovely actually, just her actions that I find rude. Also, we all had to do our presentations in front of the whole class but she didn’t and I caught word of how she will be doing it in front of Ildiko only. I think that is ridiculously unfair. I hope I never end up in some kind of group presentation with her cause fuck that. I won’t carry her. I find it hard enough to carry myself in these situations. Dammit, I get it. I get how horrible it is to stand up and do a presentation. I barely remember mine, I’m pretty sure I was out of body the whole time. I don’t know if I read the words on the paper properly! I was shaking for a good half hour afterwards internally, my mouth went dry during, my body heated up afterward so I felt like I had a fever and I felt so fucking drained I could barely move or think. I was so done. But I fucking got up and I did what was expected of me like everyone else did. I feel like she is missing a large chunk of the experience. I don’t fucking like it, but I did it. It annoys me that she got to just do it in front of Ildiko.

So, I’ve had a draining day. I’m so tired. Fitbit tells me I only got 5.5 hours sleep last night and I’m feeling it now as I begin to wind down for bed. I haven’t over eaten though, so that is a good thing. So today, today I fucking won big time!

What do you think?