Day 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80 and 81

It’s been a week since I’ve written and what a huge week it has been! I have come back changed. This whole going to Witch camp thing was life altering. On so many levels. I don’t even know where to begin with it all. As you know we journeyed to the underworld to be before Ereshkigal… only, I was already there. No journeying was necessary for me. I was one of the ones born into the Underworld, or at least I have been there from a very young age. Most people they live in the upper world and occasionally travel into the underworld or are thrust down there by the death of a loved one or a divorce or the loss of a job and then they head on back up to the upper world where they belong but me? I, as with so fucking much in life, am the opposite. The anomaly. I have spent a very vast chunk of my life down in the underworld only coming up for very brief glimpses and in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really made it all the way up before. I’ve come close, for sure and I have moments of upper world brightness but it is rare and it is short-lived and it’s not like what my life is now.

I don’t know how to describe it but I came away from camp and the air smells different, the colours look different, life feels different, energy feels different. I didn’t make it the whole way out of the Underworld at camp, like so many did and that devastated me for a beat. As we came up out of the gates in reverse order I got through gate 7, gate 6, gate 5, gate 4 okay. Looking back I wonder if that is as far as I’ve ever come because when we stood before gate 3 and it opened I began to tremble inside and fear bubbled up in my belly but I forced my way through it anyway. I chose life! I was saying yes to life! I was saying it was time to leave the underworld and so I forced my way through the 3rd gate and came upon the 2nd gate and all of a sudden I was struggling to breath, I was having to take conscious deep breaths in and the air felt different in my lungs and I almost felt like I was drowning in the newness of this air that I just wasn’t used to and I realised I was holding onto my leggings at the thigh for dear life as though they were a life raft. My body began to shake on the outside too, uncontrollably and I was gasping for breath, holding in my sobs because everyone else was screaming out their YES for life and whooping their way through the gate so easily and here I was thinking there was no way I could get through it. The beauty of many witches energy though is that it is powerful and encompassing and with the help of these amazing souls I was swept willingly through the gate with such deep gratitude because I know there’s no way I could have gone through  myself and then there we were, standing before the 1st gate, the very last one back into the Upper world and I was still gasping for breath and my heart was aching because I knew… I knew this was as far as I was going to go and when the gate opened and everyone screamed out past me I just stood there with tears streaming down my face, feeling like I had failed, like I had been unable to fully commit to that yes for life, I felt like I had let myself and those my life affects down by my immobilization. There was a part of me that felt like I was betraying Ereshkigal for even attempting the journey out, I had been in her realm for so long she was a part of me and it took me agreeing that I would come back down on purpose in order for me to get as far as I did. Still, I stood there trying to get myself under control as the ritual came to a close knowing I wasn’t the only one stuck here but feeling so alone in a room full of 90+ witches who were celebrating their ascension from the underworld and here I was stuck at the precipice, right at the threshold of the open door, the closest I know I have ever been because it was like stepping out of the house into Oz with Dorothy as I looked around and the colours seemed brighter, more full of life and the air crisper. I left the ritual and found a space outside in the night by myself, alone, like I felt, alone by the threshold while everyone else had gone through and not even looked back and I cried. I felt such disappointment, it had been my hope to get out, finally, for once, out, free. I’ve done my time, I thought. I’ve done my fucking time down here and if I was ever going to get out, I was sure this was how but it wasn’t. I was still stuck but it occurred to me as I sat there crying into the night that I was as close as I have ever been and that alone was an amazing shift and accomplishment and then a wave of gratitude swept over me. No, I didn’t make it out but I could see the upperworld. It was within reach, it was within my sights and I could taste it. I could taste it and if I just reached out a little I could touch it and that was amazing. This lightness spread across my whole body as I realised just how close I was and I had such gratitude surge through my body for reaching this space. Not quite where I was hoping to be but fucking close. So fucking close.

So I came back from camp changed. Very changed. I felt so different. I even had one friend mention that I looked different and that felt good to hear because I really did feel like I have changed. It was how I imagined it would feel if I suddenly won a million dollars, how I would wake up and everything for me would have changed while the world continued to move on as if nothing had changed but every had changed. There is this newness about me. My edges have been blown wide open and I don’t know where they are anymore, my inner landscape is completely new and unfamiliar and that is amazing. Life is new and unfamiliar and I am so excited to see where that leads.

When I popped on the scales this morning, mid-week weigh-in cause I wasn’t here on Monday, I saw I was down 700 grams. Not a big loss but a loss nonetheless and that is good enough. I’m almost out of the 130 kg range for good and that is amazing too. Life is amazing. I hope this momentum keeps going. If I could just get my overthinking brain to shut up about shit, that would be amazing too.

What do you think?