Day 82

Today was back to the humdrum and I wasn’t really enjoying it at all, however, I do not know what to do to change it. I am worried about next month and how I am meant to survive when the money I earn from MT this month is barely going to cover my rent and it is going to leave me with absolutely no money for food on my non-kids week… like seriously zero. My bills seem to be piling up and I’m not entirely sure how I’m meant to keep going like this for 3 fucking years. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this and make it through the bachelor degree.

So today was spent trying to MT but failing pretty miserably. I only managed 300 lines instead of 500 when I really need to be doing well over 500. As for food, I wasn’t much better. I drank way too much aloe vera juice and I had lunch and dinner as real food rather than shakes. Perhaps tomorrow I can just have shakes and a small dinner or something.  I’m truly concerned about money and I then I worry that my concern just perpetuates the issue and I don’t know how to change it. I can’t be more grateful than I am because I AM grateful, I am grateful I have a roof over my head, electricity to light our nights and run my CPAP and run our lives, gas to warm our water and cook our food, a car to drive to and from wherever, money for travel, clothes on our bodies, food in our bellies, water in our systems, a beautiful cat and the ability to feed her, a three bedroom house, fans to keep us cool, blankets to keep us warm, I’m grateful for all of that.

I don’t know. I just like to be 3 steps ahead and I plan that way and I think that way and 3 steps ahead right now from where I’m sitting is a little scary. I guess I need a few more face painting gigs to top up the coffers. Or something…

Today, I don’t feel like I have won at all.

What do you think?