Day 92

Well, I put ON 500 grams this week apparently ☹ This really annoys me because I haven’t been eating McDonalds or drinking fizzy drink or eating KFC or bread or pasta or pastry or biscuits or doughnuts of meat pies. I’ve been living off fucking OF and salad for months and yeah, I’ve had some nuts, or popcorn or even dark chocolate in moderation but why should that be enough for me to put ON weight. Why is my body so willing to put ON weight and so reluctant to let it drop away? I really do not feel like I can do more than what I do. So that leaves me feeling really deflated. Yes I’m still under 130 kg which is great but it has now destroyed my 1 kg/week average, so I’m feeling really crappy about that and I’m letting myself feel really crappy and disappointed about it. So much that I had McDonalds for dinner with the kids because the shops were closed so we couldn’t buy groceries and I had no cheese and no meat for my salad and just fuck it. No, I’m not off the wagon, I’ll eat properly again tomorrow and moving forward but for tonight, I just let myself have something I love and boy did I love it! So definitely did not win today.

It might not help that I’m bleeding too. I was feeling really down and flat last night and I couldn’t figure out why, lol duh, I’m bleeding! I also acknowledge that my determination and motivation really wavers when I’m bleeding. All I want to do is curl up on the lounge and nap like a cat all day and have someone take care of me. But I still took myself for a walk especially after hearing how apparently Rosanne gets to look after my kids on his week now when he’s going off to see bands or whatever, I don’t even get to have them or see them anymore and that devastates me. It also doesn’t help that he hasn’t bothered to fucking communicate with me about this at all in any way, not to get my permission, it’s not my week it’s not up to me but to at least say hey, I’m seeing someone, we’re serious, I want her to meet our kids and then a hey, we’re so serious she’s going to start sleeping over on my week with the kids every now and then so they might be left alone with her… just so you know. Then how about a, I’ve got a thing and Rosanne wants to spend some time with our kids and I think it is a good bonding experience for them all so she’s gonna hang out with them. Like, is that too much to ask, to expect? It also feels like he keeps not getting a reaction out of me and so he keeps trying to up the ante to get a reaction out of me. Well fuck you arse (cause I know you skim these blog posts) I’m not reacting. It’s none of my damn business. The kids say she’s nice so I’m ok with it, I’m just not ok with the lack of communication and the complete disregard for me and the complete lack of respect for the agreement we had that we would speak to each other before introducing our kids to a new partner. Well, guess I don’t have to communicate now, you’ve let me off the hook, so I won’t. Only thing is, the kids don’t tell you everything like they tell me everything.

So yeah, bleeding, angry, hangry, disappointed, feeling like shit, new moon… I’m so fed up with all the things today and I still do not want to go uni tomorrow.

What do you think?