Day 93

Today has been no better. The bleeding is all I can handle really. I just want to curl up in a ball on my lounge in the dark and do nothing all day but eat. And eat I have! I’ve had some of Aurora’s chocolate roll, I’ve had hot skittles, I’ve had chocolate milk. It’s like, dude I’m never going to keep losing weight at this rate :/ I know what I really need is just a cuddle and while Bee is great for that, I need to be held and I need to be supported and I need a human who actually cares about me and loves me for me instead of what they wish I was. I’m just so tired of life sometimes. Not as tired with life as I got when I was still with Voldemort but still… I’m just tired.

Uni couldn’t end fast enough today. I’m so glad she didn’t make us get up and do anything active today holy hell. I just don’t think I could have. I did have to empty my cup before I came home though, which was not the most fun thing to do but it left me feeling better about being in public using the cup rather than other less environmentally and bodily healthy things. Still, I’m looking forward to when the bleeding finishes. Tomorrow should be an easy day of just making art and I guess we’re doing dyads or something, dunno. I’m just tired and lonely and super stressed about money. I feel like I’m working my fucking arse off for nothing and it doesn’t help that this month’s pay is for last month where I had so many days off to go away. Worth it but the strain of no money is a hard one to cope with right now. How on earth does anyone survive on Newstart?! I don’t get it. I was even contemplating asking Syc if I could live in his garage like my mother lived in Nivannii’s garage. I am feeling very stuck. Like I really don’t know what else to do. I’m doing my damn best and it doesn’t feel like it is enough. I never feel like I am enough.

So today has been a crappy day that I’m looking forward to being over.

What do you think?