The dreaded weigh-in day. While, as you know from a previous blog post, I did get lower than this through the week, I only take my Monday weigh-ins as the truth and nothing but the truth. So according to today’s weigh-in I have officially lost 1.9 kgs! That is a mammoth effort. For those who do the imperial that’s 4 pounds! I feel very accomplished and I’m not missing anything yet which is a bonus as well. I mean yes, Gimme likes to speak up and have a sook every now and then but for the most part, I’m good. I hope this continues, I really do. It would be so damn nice to get under 100 kgs.
For now, I’m just hoping to get into the 120’s before witch camp. I’ll still be morbidly obese but maybe the extra 10 kgs off my body means I will sleep better and have better energy to really dig in to the happenings at camp. I’m super excited for it especially as I have been journeying with Ereshkigal leading into the camp and realised how familiar with her I am and that my whole life feels like an extention of her. I’m definitely very ready to let go of my marriage and that entire relationship. I’m ready to let go of all the pain and stuff that accumulated on me around not being good enough or lovable enough or not being worthy enough to fight for or make an effort for, the deep knowing that I was never really loved but merely tolerated for the normality I gave his existence as far as the rest of the world saw. I’m very ready to just let go of it all, all the pain, all the brokenness and just walk away with the wisdom which I will need moving forward so I never have to be deceived again like I feel like I was with Voldemort. He comes across as an average neuronormal person with actual feelings and that was not and continues not to be my experience. All I keep seeing now is how shifty he is and how adept at illusion. I feel for his new partner because I know she is already trapped and she has no idea yet. I see the masks he is putting on for her and the rest of the world. I see through them now. I hope I will see through everyone’s masks moving forward because I’m so done with being deceived in this way.
I have to acknowledge though, that today got really fucking hard after I picked up the kids and heard about how fun a day they had with that other woman and hearing about how much nicer Voldemort is around her, almost like he becomes Tom again but you know there’s something underneath… well, we do. Those who have experienced him. We know. She doesn’t and I feel for her, I really do. She’s already hooked in thinking he’s the sweetest, nicest, most wonderful human, I know, I remember. Again, she’s not wrong. He is those things. Absolutely there is those things. It’s just not all there is. I hope she is enough for him so that she never has to, or rarely ever has to, experience the Voldemort I and my kids know. Maybe she will make him a better human even more than I did. But it’s hard hearing about it you know. It’s hard knowing that already he does stuff with her that he rarely did with me in 10 years. So after those stories, I had to do the grocery shopping :/
Those who have been following along know the shopping is hard for me as it is but when your stomach is hurting from the pain you’re carrying and you’re shopping for the kids who get to eat the stuff you wish you could but you’re chosing not to anymore, potentially for life… it’s so fucking hard. I don’t have the words to describe it. It was a CONSTANT battle in my head between me and Gimme. Yes! No! Yes! No! This! No! This then! No! This! No! This! No! Relentless. Seriously. The longest 20 minutes of my life. I won though. I didn’t get anything for me and just got stuff for the kids and the house. So, winning there! I so much didn’t get anything for me I even forgot to get my OF! So after we got home I had to bloody go back out again and get it, thankfully that stuff you can only buy at the chemist so at least I didn’t have to fight my way through the grocery store again. There’s only so much a woman can take you know?
I’m strong. I hope I stay strong. It’s time for me to dig in my heels and climb those steep mountain cliffsides like the Capricorn I am. It’s time to take charge of my life again and be who I am, who I know I can be.
Today was a win!