Day Eleven

It’s day 11 already? Really? It doesn’t feel like that long and I have to tell you, that’s a good thing. I know I do really well in the first few days, and even the first week but by week 2 I’m often starting to waver and I’m still not feeling any waver here. I still feel very positive, very strong, very determined and content with this OF path I’m on. I feel like I need to remember to give another offering to Erishkigal as I feel like she has a large part in this. She is there diligently working away to help me remove all that is dead and hanging off me, leaving just the wisdom and I am so grateful to her for that.

It’s been interesting too because all the stuff with Voldemort has been quite front and centre almost this whole time and I’m still good. I’m still strong. Normally he would affect me so profoundly that any good work, any progress I’ve been making will just go down the damn drain but this time, I’m still fine. In fact, I’m doing better than fine. I am finding I’m not feeling hungry very much anymore and if I am it’s simply because it is actually time to eat. It’s like my body has gone, oh, this is how it works. Because I am having ‘breakfast’ and ‘lunch’ and ‘dinner’ and sometimes snacks as well, my body is happier because it is being fed more often. I wonder, is it possible to just live on OF forever? I worry about when the time comes to eat normally. I don’t think I can because I don’t know how to. But that is next year or the year after Samm’s problem. For now all I need to concentrate on is … well… Now!

It never ceases to amaze me how it’s all connected either. Your physical body, your emotional body, your spiritual body, all connected and intertwined and when you begin to treat one aspect better, another falls into place and then another. I mention this because I did a thing today. I did a thing, last minute, at the very enth hour possible. I applied to do a Bachelor of Arts Psychotherapy. BAMM!

Here’s the thing. I’ve always love art and felt the pull of doing something with art. I’ve also always felt the pull of writing and know I need to do something with that too, more than what I’ve already done but something pretty constant through my entire life has been the pull toward psychology and the human mind and how it works, how thoughts work, etc. I mean, as soon as I found out I was pregnant with TeenBoy, I signed up and completed a Child Psychology course. I don’t even know where the certificate for that is but I know I completed it and got a certificate of completion for it and I know I loved every bit of it. I also know that I had tried to do a few other courses before then and never quite made it to the finish line but that one is the first one I ever finished.

It never occurred to me to pursue that path though. I guess my life just wasn’t meant to go that way.

Then I discovered an advanced diploma in Transpersonal Art Therapy and knew that was exactly what I wanted to do. Did the course right up until the last module. I want to say I failed because there just wasn’t enough structure and support at the end and while that was likely a big factor, it’s not the whole truth. I also failed because of my anxiety and because my marriage happened to be breaking down for real. This course was done in the year we were separated but I *thought* we were still committed to trying to fix the marriage and make it work even though many times through that year I said to my sister, he doesn’t want to fix the marriage. I’ve left and he’s discovered he likes his life better without me in it only he doesn’t have the balls to admit it.

So, I never completed TAT. Then late last year I got this email from the institute who runs the course that caught my eye and it just felt like a IN YOUR FACE message aimed directly at me. I ignored it. But it kept playing in the back of my mind. I knew I was being called to action. I know I can be really good in this role. I know I enjoy this role. I know I’m well suited to this role. Yet I ignored it. Over and over I ignored it. Then I noticed other emails saying how the intake date was extended and I thought, I should see what I can do to complete my advanced diploma. Yet, I ignored it.

I follow this amazing self-worth life coach on Facebook, Katrina Hahling. She speaks my language. Anyway, she posted this:

She wrote, What are you putting off?

I smiled wryly to myself knowing exactly what I was putting off and exactly what I thought of when I read the meme. Yet, I pushed it away still. But it kept coming back. It kept plaguing me.

There’s another person I follow on Facebook that is a similar kind of life coach, Hannah Andrews. I’m not a big fan of the language she uses to get her messages across but I forgive her for it because 1) she is using her own unique voice and 2) more importantly, I find her messages of worth. She also posts card readings each Tuesday. Sometimes I read them and sometimes I miss them but every time I catch them, the card I choose is SO INCREDIBLY relevant it blows my mind. Last Tuesday, I chose card #1. I often choose 2 and 5 cause they are the middle ones and for some reason I’m always attracted to them but Tuesday I chose #1 and went and read the write up:

Card #1: Mouse. You’re overlooking some important details, so pay closer attention to what’s going on.

Hmmmm, what are you needing to look more closely at? Contracts, details, something at work? What has been on your mind, but you have brushed over and ignored? What and where have you turned a blind eye to? I am getting the sense, like a mouse hole on the cartoons, where the mouse hole is in the lounge room and can hear and see everything going on from his doorstep – what is right under your nose that you are not paying attention to? I keep seeing/hearing about paperwork and I am wondering what this means to you? Something about your house even? I am also getting about your Third Eye Chakra, your eyes, what have you been seeing in your reality that you haven’t been liking much lately? I am also getting the message that you have been shifting quite a lot lately in what you are seeing, in a sense of relationship dynamics, things that you have become aware of in the past, but not really known much, or paid much attention to and now it is quite ‘in front of your face’ but you are not wanting to believe the reality of it perhaps? Perhaps this is the confrontational space around the reality of the situation now, that you have been doing such work in your life, going places, moving forward in many different areas of your life and this is just a huge space to be in right now. I am getting the message if you need to cry – do? The eyes, something about the eyes – yes Third Eye – but this mouse also has light blue eyes. The deep dark indigo is relational to the Third Eye Chakra and the Throat Chakra is the light sky blue. I am wondering if there something you are needing to voice? Where are you turning a blind eye and actually needing to voice something as well? If you are not sure, if you were a mouse, peeping it’s head out in your lounge room, what it would be seeing and hearing? A different point of view or perspective is in need in the space you are in – have you just entered a huge life change and wondering which way to go? Has something dawned on you, or that you are needing to awaken to? What details do you need to check over before saying yes to? The blue on this card is also jumping out (lots of blue!) and the Ocean is coming to mind – is the ocean calling you? Is there something on your heart that you are needing to tend to and look at the details your heart is calling you to, instead of where your mind is telling you, you ‘should’ be staying to? Your Third Eye – sees your higher vision, your Throat is all about living your truth – are you trusting that truth, or are you burying that and turning a blind eye to what is in front of you? Yes, be compassionate to what is – but what is the Mouse really seeing? Hearing? Is that, what you want to be in? What other point of view are you needing to look at this from? Asking Spirit/Universe, for help in seeing and hearing another perspective of the situation and showing you important messages from what you a missing about these details, can help show you, the question is, are you ready to not just face the truth – but to live YOUR truth, instead of being trapped in someone else’s dogma and reality? Trapped, is a big word, yet, that is the sense I am getting for you? That is keeping you, in that one spot? Are you ready to allow Mouse to show you, another way out? Love xxx

“What has been on your mind, but you have brushed over and ignored?”

“what is right under your nose that you are not paying attention to?”

And the part about contracts/paperwork? That relates to the forms you have to fill out and agree to when signing up to the course and gaining fee-help.

I mean, there’s a bunch in there that also relates to Voldemort but doing this course, I knew that was the main theme. And yet STILL, I ignored it, pushed it aside.

Then Katrina posts this:

All the while every day getting another letter from the institution saying ‘time is running out, apply now!’

Then today I had to go waste 2 hours of my life being lectured to about getting a job and how ‘easy’ it should be if we just follow his formula. Holy hell he just went on and on and on and none of it was really helpful at all. I felt annoyed by the time I left because it could have been time better spent earning the piddly amount of money I get from Medical Transcription just to pay rent. The thing is, during that 2 hour group session, AGAIN, the therapy course came up. Now, I did ring them on Tuesday, after reading the tarot message but I got the answering machine. I left a message. Still hadn’t heard back from them by today, two days later.

So I got home from this ridiculous group thing and rang them again. Still no answer, left another message. Super annoyed. Began to wonder if it’s just a sign from the Universe that I shouldn’t do it or is it a chance to put in the effort to show just how much I really do want this. How much do I want something better/different for my life? Got onto the website and started a chat with head office. Got my questions and answered and then BAMM! Applied!

And that is where I’m at today. No food stuff. No emotional baggage stuff. Just a lot of forward momentum stuff.

I am feeling stronger and more in my power. I will be honest, I am concerned I will fail with the Bachelor just like I’m concerned I will fail with this weight loss but what if I don’t? What if I succeed and both of these things make my life exponentially better like the nudges and pushes and LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME posts/emails keep telling me?

If I can find the meme I’ll post it here but I fully get that feeling where my guides and allies are all showing me the way, lighting it up like a fucking airport runway and getting really cranky with me cause I’m not following their nudges LOL. So now, it’s up to the Universe. If this is the path I’m meant to take, then I’ve taken the action to take the path and even though I am not sure I can do it and I have a lot of concerns about money and trying to balance work, study and kids, I’ve put it out there. I’m ready to at least try. It’s time for me to really, fully step into my power and own who I am and be the confident amazing human I am.

Today, I fucking won.

What do you think?