Day Seventeen

I went and saw the naturopath today. I spent money I don’t have for tests and supplements I hope will help me feel more awake and alive and vital so that I can have the energy required to work enough to survive while doing a full-time uni course. I’m so stressed about money yet I go and spend money on tests and supplements, how does that even work? At least I got all my lines done today before I left. I’m not sure how I’m meant to find a job that will cater to my need of working Monday, Thursday and Friday only. I don’t know if that is even possible. Especially because I need it to be local so if I have to get to my kids quickly I can. The money I get from Centrelink is literally only $10 a fortnight more than what my rent is. How on earth is an adult with 1 adult child and 2 young children and a fur baby meant to survive 14 days on just $10? $10 to pay electricity, gas, petrol, car payments, car insurance, internet, cat food, food? I want to work, I’m happy to work, I’m just limited in what I can do and I want to be near the kids, I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I’m feeling very frustrating and very anxious about it all. My hunger levels have seemed to level out now though which is great. The naturopath isn’t a fan of Optifast but said it is the best one out of all the different ones and said just don’t use Isagenix. So that was interesting because I did use Isagenix for awhile at one point. She did say that in this (my) situation OF was a good option but she wouldn’t recommend using it for more than 6 to 12 months. After that I really need to focus on eating proper food because OF is basically just a bunch of crap in a box and it really isn’t good for you. That is disheartening and I get her point but for someone who really hates cooking and preparing food and has no real idea of how to eat and is pretty damn picky… OF was a quick and easy option which is why it is working so well for me right now. I hope her words don’t ring around in my head and cause me to falter. Surely 6 months on OF if I’m strict and stick to it will get me under 100kgs. For now, that’s my biggest goal, under 100 kgs.

Today, I am feeling plagued by flittering anxiety about all sorts of things and I can feel the weight of life upon my shoulders and I’m just so worried about how I’m going to live or even what my best life looks like. I really would like some kind of in my face, can’t deny it is a sign, sign that doing the bachelor is the right way to go here and that the universe will support me financially somehow to get through it and in the end I will have a job I love earning good money so I can show my kids you don’t have to follow societal rules and you can still have a great life. Blah.

Today, emotionally, I did not win, however, when it comes to the weight loss journey, which is what this blog is meant to be about….

I won.

What do you think?