Did I say yesterday was brutal? I could laugh. Yesterday was nothing. Seriously, nothing.
It took me forever to get them out of my head enough to sleep last night and all day it’s been a recurring theme. In they pop to punch me in the gut and shred my heart to pieces again. I haven’t cried this much in so long. How unfair is it that when you choose to leave because you know it’s the best thing, even though she still love them deeply, that you’re the one that ends up in more pain? You’re the one that grieves the longest? How is that even fair?
I realised through the day today that the reason I keep coming back to the pain and how it just isn’t fair, is because he is so unaffected by me, he got over me so easily … 1) because he never truly loved me, he merely tolerated me for what I gave him but he is and was so unaffected by me because I jumped through hoops and walked on egg shells to please him for a decade that my – what he called – tantrums that inevitably came around because he wasn’t giving me what I needed no matter how much I told him what I needed, even they weren’t that bad for him. He would just do what he did best and bury his head in the sand until I “got over it” and by got over it I mean like the crying baby in the dark room by itself wanting to feel safe and loved who finally stops crying because it concedes defeat, it has lost all hope… that. That is what I mean by got over it. He would just bury his head in the sand or make some feeble effort to change until I got back to just looking after myself as if I wasn’t even in a partnership because that was all I was left with. So because he was so unaffected by me, he has come out of our marriage, our 16 years-worth of relationship, relatively unscathed. He did his grieving, he fought for what he wanted and he now has everything he thinks he deserves and now he’s ready and capable of moving on – well let’s admit it, he was ready and capable just a couple months after I called time of death but that’s a different woman who has moved away now and is out of his reach. So now he has moved on and formed a new relationship with a new woman and he gets to have that without any cares in the world. He gets to trust that she will love him and be a great human and perfect for him and that maybe she is the one. He gets to be happy in the throes of newness, he gets to have hope and build something while me? I’m here not sure if I can ever trust another human being again.
I am so affected by him and so damaged by our marriage that I don’t think I am ever going to be capable of trusting someone enough to let them into my heart ever again. I opened my heart to him more than I have opened my heart to anyone and he mistreated it. Don’t’ get me wrong, he’s not a bad man, he just wasn’t good for me. He mistreated my heart. He was incapable of the depth and maturity and self-awareness and willingness to grow enough to be able to handle who I am and to nurture who I am. This is by no means entirely on him. I stayed. I stayed long after I knew I should have left. I wanted to make it work. I tried. So hard I tried. I did so much work on myself but that just made it worse really, because here I was delving deep into myself but not getting to go deep with him because all he is capable of is surface relationships and what I need, what I need is depth. He complained that I was so serious all the time and I couldn’t have fun. That wasn’t true. I could totally have fun but I needed to go deep. I needed to explore the depths and he is completely incapable. That is not his fault, it is just who he is. I am pretty sure our daughter is the same. Our son on the other hand, I think he has a lot of swirling depths to explore but Voldemort and Baby Gurl, they are surface dwellers.
But what that all means is, I have been so damaged by the marriage, by my experience with him and within the marriage that I am terrified I will never let anyone in again. I have an image of my inner child sitting on a locked chest wrapped in chains and secured with big fat deadbolts and she has a stubborn look on her face with her arms crossed over her chest and shaking her head no. No, you shall not pass. You shall not get in here. My heart is securely locked away and there is just no getting to it anymore. There are very few people who have access to my heart now and unless you have the set of keys, you ain’t getting in. No one is getting in, possibly ever. So he gets to let someone into his heart but I don’t. I don’t because I am so damaged I wonder sometimes if it is beyond repair.
Every time I think I’m making progress with the grief and the healing I’m thrown a fucking curve ball and feel like I’m right back where I started, or even worse than when I started because there are layers and the layers are so damn deep now and sometimes it is difficult to surface from them. I’ve had random moments over the past 6 months or so where the grief has hit me out of nowhere and I was blind-sided by it and wondering why it was there and why it won’t just go away and when it will go away for fucks sake. As I sit here typing this I wonder if those moments were moments where their relationship got a little bit stronger or went to the next level and somewhere in my psyche I felt it and that was why the grief hit. I can tell you this though, I’m so fucking over it. If I could make it go away I could but how do you stop it? How do you make it go away? How do you make it stop hurting all the fucking time? How do you stop crying over something that ended 3 years ago… well 4 if you include the year of separation where I *thought* we were still working on the marriage and trying to repair it but it turns out we weren’t, only I was. Seriously, 4 years, isn’t that long enough to grieve a relationship I was NEVER happy in? Please? Please let the grief end. I need it to end cause it hurts so much knowing they are going away for a romantic valentines day weekend getaway. Something he never did with me. In 10 years we went away ONE TIME for an anniversary together. One time in 10 years. I never even got a honeymoon. Even the proposal was lame and uninspired. It’s not fair. It’s not fair if he didn’t love me enough to want to treat me like his queen then why fucking move to the other side of the world and marry me? Just … don’t do it. It’s so wrong. It’s so unfair that she gets to have more wooing than I ever did with him. They go away for a weekend together one more time (if this is the first, who knows if they’ve gone away already before) then she will have gotten more of him than I did in 10 years.
I don’t think someone good enough even exists in the world for me. I really do think I am single for life.
So I don’t know if it is because I cleaned the kitchen and tried to clean the bookshelf today so I was more active (but was I really? I don’t think so) or if it was all the crying and the releasing of yet more grief, yet more pain from my relationship with that man but I have been starving all fucking day. So hungry. Yet I haven’t caved. I’ve stuck to my 3 shakes and one salad. I still feel strong even though I’ve had moments of real hunger today. I’m just so ready to be better you know? I want more than anything to be better and not like my mother.
I’m going to Witch Camp soon and they are focusing on The Abula, the kur, Ereshkigal and Inanna and I can safely say I’m already journeying it for sure. The journeying began on the December full moon where we began our decent through the abula into the underworld, where we had all but what we are at our most basic removed from us. So here I am, naked in front of Ereshkigal asking her to take pity on me and help cut away all the dead rotting parts that are hanging off me leaving only the wisdom from these experiences behind.
Today has been rough. Today has been pretty difficult and it won’t be the last I’m sure but today, I won.