I was in a lot of stuff around the… it wasn’t an argument but we had a tete’a’tete if you will, around Bee’s hair and his heat intolerance. I don’t even understand why it is such an issue between us. I mean, I know how it started. Bee always had long hair, he was cute as fuck with long hair. Sadly, he is heat intolerant and gets easily sick with migraines and vomiting when he overheats. Voldemort was convinced he’d be better if we just cut his hair and so worked on Bee for over a year (he claims that’s not the case but I listen to the stories my children tell me). I know perfectly well he plays the long game, slowly working on you over time, constantly bringing it up and saying stuff about it, positive stuff for the decision HE wants you to make and negative stuff for the way it currently is that he wants changed, noting it in other people and in the case of the hair even bribing, then taking it back and bribing and taking it back but he just keeps at you, slowly chipping away over time until you decide to do what he wants you to do and it seems like it was your decision all along. I have completely convinced myself that’s how our marriage finally ended. He makes it so you think it was your decision and even has this way of making out like he doesn’t REALLY want it but you do so he’ll support that.
Anyway, he finally took Bee and got his haircut. No heads up to me. No warning at all. I mean, I’d heard the stories occasionally coming in from the kids about what he’s said this time and when he was harping on Bee that time for months but because I’d heard it for months and months and months and everyone knew I love long hair, I didn’t think it was going to happen. I had NO CLUE until Bee walked in from their weekend with Voldemort with his hair not much more than a crew cut. I was fucking gutted. I felt completely disregarded and disrespected and violated. In walked this kid who could have been any other 6-year-old boy, no longer my unique and very recognisable little boy. No warning. Just bam, in your face bitch, you don’t get a say at all I’m just going to go and get it done. I was seriously heartbroken and he still doesn’t get it to this day. He thinks what he did was nothing. He also insists that Bee wanted it… what he doesn’t understand is that *I* understand that Bee only wanted it because he was conditioned into wanting it over a long period of time and that just pissed me off so much.
I was forced to have short hair I hated growing up. All I ever wanted was long hair and I was never allowed to have it except for 2 occasions. My Uncle’s impending weddings, I was allowed to grow my hair out for those, then bam, cut really short. It was devastating for me as a kid to not be able to have a say in how I wanted my own hair and I refuse to be that way with my kids.
But it was done, so after the initial shock wore off, I plastered on a smile and exclaimed how great it must feel and at least he doesn’t have to brush out knots all the time and talked it up so he would feel good even though I was shattered. I thought ok… well let’s prove it then. Let’s prove that having his hair shorter improves on how much/often Bee gets sick.
It didn’t. If it did improve at all, it was very mildly and nothing noticeable. I was still having to pick him up from school sick, he was still waking up with what I called his ‘morning sickness’ just as often. I kept spreadsheets so I was well aware that there was simply no real difference in his health between short and long hair but Voldemort had Bee absolutely convinced he felt better and wasn’t getting sick as much. LOL what bullshit!
Do you know what helped him? He began to get older and more understanding of what he could do for himself to help himself. I gave him tools and taught him how to pay attention to his body and what to avoid and the things he needed to do to help himself. I told him over and over again in no uncertain terms that HE is the only one who can help HIM not be sick as much by doing all the things I was teaching. Once he really began to understand that and look after himself THAT was when he started to not get so sick all the time.
Of course, I’m sure Voldemort is convinced it is the hair because any time Bee broaches the subject of wanting his hair to grow out and not wanting it cut short Voldemort will harp on about how it makes him feel better. Bee was talking to me about how he wished he could just have long hair because he likes it but he can’t cause it makes him sick and I asked, does it? I asked him to think about it and if, in his opinion, he has been getting sick less than he did with long hair and he did think about it and then turned to me and said, no, I still get a hot head and sick just as much. All I said to that was, well isn’t that interesting to note.
Since his discovery he’s been trying to convince his father of this but his father just won’t hear it. Bee is getting even older now though, so he’s been absolutely adamant this time that no, he will not get a haircut. So, when I messaged Voldemort to give him a heads up that Bee wasn’t going to school today because it was going to be far too hot for him, Voldemort started about the hair and I backed up what Bee has been saying and then he basically insinuated I was borderline abusive because I wouldn’t force my child to get his hair in a crew cut. A number 1. Seriously?
I don’t take kindly to being passively aggressively called abusive because I won’t do what he wants me to do and I do not take kindly to being manipulated anymore now that I’ve learned really deeply what that looks like and I’m quite the expert on Voldemort manipulation-speak. He knew that would push my buttons. He knows anything to do with the kids is a massive hook and he uses it all the damn time to get what he wants. I don’t play that game anymore though. The funniest thing about it all, and I literally laughed at him via our sms’s, is that I was already coming to a compromise with Bee anyway and planning to take him to get a haircut before he started calling me borderline abusive LOL
I don’t disagree with him you see. Shorter hair is definitely better for Bee when it comes to heat but at the same time, if he wants long hair, he should be allowed to have long hair. So, I showed him a few boy cuts with short back and sides and longer on top and he agreed to it. That’s where we went today. To get him a spiffy new do and even got him a track. It looks great though I can still feel that he thinks it’s too short. He said in the car on the way home, I would never choose a crew cut, this one is much better. I also told him we can even grow the top bit out even more and that lit up his eyes. There has to be compromise. You can’t just force your kid to have a crew cut because that is your hairstyle that you find helps you the best and you like it. He likes long hair and chances are when he gets older, he’ll grow it out and find other ways to deal with the heat anyway. So, I told him, when he is due to have the back and sides done again, we’ll keep whatever extra length he has on top without cutting it too.
It occurred to me that Voldemort probably wants Bee to have a crewcut because it makes him look more like his father haha. Bee just doesn’t like it, plain and simple. If he can’t accept that, then we’ll just give him more to bitch about.
So that kind of consumed my day today, that and struggling through the heat. It really was a hot one. So hot I could barely work, it was so hard to concentrate. My point of this story is, that despite the emotional turmoil it had broiling way inside me, rage, anxiety, sadness… I still didn’t reach for food like I normally would. I love that. I didn’t even think about it and now that I think about it, I haven’t even heard Gimme all day! That is amazing! Even when I let the kids get a slurpee, it was easy to say no. I’m still not feeling safe in the fact that this is a lasting thing but I still really hope it is!
Today, I won big time. I really did.