Day Thirteen

Today was all about cleaning for the inspection, as will be tomorrow. Yeap, I’m not a good housekeeper. I’m simply not interested in spending my life cleaning so I will only clean when I have to and one day, I will have enough money in my accounts that I can pay someone to clean for me. So that means when inspection rolls around we have a fair bit of cleaning to do. Part of that was also getting the rest of the lawns mowed. I actually don’t mind mowing the lawns, it’s the emptying the catcher and the tidying part I hate. Beauty of that is it boosted my daily step count way up for the day! Along with the moving and dancing around as I was cleaning the kitchen of course. So I hit over 7500 steps today! Normally I barely make 5000 so, it’s good! I do, one day, hope to easily do 10,000 steps a day, maybe even by running.

I’ve had no appetite today funnily enough. That seems to happen when I’m active because as always, I’m an anomaly and I experience things backwards. I don’t even know what that is about but it means I haven’t been able to stomach anything but the shakes today. I’m worried that will be detrimental to my weight loss efforts but I just can’t force myself to eat. I have been drinking plenty of water though so… there’s nothing wrong with ‘fasting’ days right? I didn’t even fast, I still had 3 shakes.

I came to the realisation today that I really need to figure out how to forgive Voldemort. Yes, as my belief system goes, he is just me in a different life experience but from this Samm-experience of separation from other humans, I need to forgive his part in my story. He has had a valuable part really and I do appreciate the lessons I have learned, that’s not an issue. It’s the part where he gets to just carry on and do it all over again with someone else, that is the part that has been haunting me lately. It sadly means I barely got any sleep last night. It’s frustrating. I really do keep hoping he has changed and he will be a better person and she will somehow make him be a better person but then I see things or hear things and my spidey-senses tingle and I can see it for what it is now. I hope I’m wrong. That’s all I’m saying. I really hope I’m wrong.

It is quite interesting witnessing this from the outside looking in though and that does lead to better forgiveness toward myself for allowing myself to end up trapped and staying for so damn long. He really is a master manipulator, a deceiver, an amazing actor. If it wasn’t for my beautiful kids, I might not even see it. I might have just begun to think he had changed, he had grown, he had matured, maybe he learned stuff from our relationship but when your daughter looks at you wide-eyed in amazement as she tells you that he’s SO NICE when he’s around her… it just confirms what I know and I feel badly for her. But we all have our lessons to learn right? And learn mine I have. Now it’s time to forgive myself, and him, for what I had to go through in order to learn those lessons. Unfortunately, that is no mean feat.

So tomorrow makes it 2 weeks since I began the shakes in order to lose weight. It really is difficult to believe it’s been that long already because it doesn’t feel like it and I don’t feel like I’m flagging at all. The shakes are easy to make, easy to drink and don’t take up too much time and they don’t taste terrible. To the point that I think even when I reach my goal weight, I will still have them for breakfast and maybe lunch just for the convenience and also, to ensure I never get as big as I did.

Today, I won.

What do you think?