Day Thirty-One

I’m so fucking over it all today. I’m tired, really tired. Two days out of the house in a row does me in and I’m here trying to get another job that gets me out of the house the other three days a week? I don’t know if I can cope! What happens if I get myself a job and I really can’t fucking do it? I’m struggling right now as it is and I’ve only done 1.5 days of uni. My head is full, I feel dumb and I could barely get to my car after the train ride let alone do my shopping. I had no energy at all and it took everything in me to push through and get done what I needed to get done. Fucking hell.

I mean, I want the money, I need the money but how much can I actually take? I feel like a failure as a human being. Like I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I can’t do what all the rest of the humans can so simply do. So I don’t know. It was hard to get through today. I really loved the experiential we got to do today but still, so tired. I didn’t really want to talk to people, I didn’t really want to be there at all and I just felt like I was reading all these texts and just not getting the point and not understanding it and other people were talking, making sense of stuff and I was sitting there thinking, huh? What if I just can’t do this? I mean, the assignments are just creative writing tasks and I can write, not a problem. But what if I get to the end of this and I’m still where I am now? I’m just fucking floundering.

I was so hungry by the time I got home I just stuffed my face with chicken a couple little vegetable things. I got myself a yoghurt, hope that isn’t a terrible thing, even had a chocolate milk. I feel like I burned more calories today so maybe that will make it ok. I don’t know.

Today, I still won.

What do you think?