Day Thirty-Six

Really not feeling like typing anything today. I feel like my time is shortening exponentially and I am struggling to justify finding the time to do this but I will because I made the commitment and even on the days where it’s not a struggle and nothing much has happened I’m committed to logging my journey of a billion sweat drops releasing excess fat from my body. Having said that, today actually is something to write about I guess. I just realised how easy the shopping was today. I mean, it wasn’t super easy, I still eyed the fizzy drink, I still caved and got myself some aloe vera juice under the guise that it’s not all bad for me but there wasn’t even a second thought about biscuits or chocolate. Making the kids their hotdogs was only difficult tonight because I was super hungry and shoving bread into my gob is a quick fix but the fight to not grab some bread and shove it in my mouth was really short lived. Though I did notice how, unthinkingly, I almost just did it before my brain had a chance to say no. So I guess it’s a good reminder that Samma-the-hut is always sitting there waiting for an opportunity and biding her time. Especially on days like today where there is bread for the taking. But I didn’t. I made my salad and put in the sausages and I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t a chore to eat salad. I really do love the taste and the textures.

Plus, I guess, today is a celebration day because weigh-in day and I am down another 1.1 kg giving me, for the first day of week 6, an exact 6 kg loss! That is a great effort for 5 weeks worth of work and I deserve to celebrate that and praise myself for that. Also, the fact that I’m not done yet and I know I’m not done yet. I am starting to have a little bit more faith in myself like maybe, just maybe I can pull it off this time. If I was say 60 kgs a 6 kg drop would make a HUGE difference. So it can get difficult for me to celebrate the large loss because I’m so big that you can’t really see the difference at all. I mean, my sister saw me just last Thursday and didn’t even notice a difference at all. At least not enough of a difference to say anything. It wasn’t until I showed her the Day 1 photo next to the Day 36 photo:

I’m so glad I’m taking daily selfies. Because days like today where I have accomplished a 6 kg drop and I am not noticing it, it’s good to put the comparison side-by-side and really see the differences. See how my nose has shrunk, my face is more narrow, I have more of a neck again and you can see the crease instead of it being a roll of fat and how I actually have a chin now. Just the smallest and most subtle changes but they made such a huge difference to my mood to be able to look and SEE the difference. Because when it comes to my body, I’m not noticing a change. The clothes I wear all still fit the way they should and the rolls of fat and the bulges are still all in the same spots and I still feel my body in a very substantial way. I am still aware that I have to be conscious of my fat arse because if I turn suddenly my arse has the ability to knock someone flat on their arse. I’m still aware of how much more space I need than someone else to squeeze past someone or something without knocking it over. So it’s really nice to see a difference in my face. I am super happy about it and it helps keep me motivated. Other than the fact that by the time I meet Rosanne I want to look hotter than her, the fact I’m actually losing weight this time is really motivating. I really do want to get back to who I was before I let another human have so much power over me.

So today, today I fucking won.

What do you think?