Day Thirty

Today would have been our 14th marriage anniversary. 14 years. There is a deep sadness within me when I acknowledge that and also a seething rage. I feel ripped off. I feel deceived by him. Deceived in that I didn’t really understand who he was or what he was like. I guess maybe, if he wasn’t how he is, he would have the same with me. Perhaps I, too, did not show him who I really was and what I was like before we agreed to get married and he agreed to move to Australia. Maybe he thought I was someone I wasn’t. I’m not sure how I might have misrepresented myself but no doubt I did. I mean the very largest part of our initial relationship was all via online interactions. We had 8 weeks with him in Australia then 10 weeks with me and Storme in Canada but that was all we had before we moved in together and got married. 18 weeks really. It may have happened over a span of 4 years but 18 weeks is all we really had of knowing each other before we got married.

I accept that it needed to happen the way it happened because I have gained a lot of experience and growth and learned so much from being in that marriage but I can guarantee that if we didn’t have a deadline to be married by, if we could have taken our time, lived with each other for those 4 years first… I never would have ended up marrying him. I still may have stayed for a decade but I don’t think I would have married him. Yet, if it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else because I had lessons to learn and experiences to embody in this lifetime. Even so, I loved him. So deeply. I opened my heart WAY up to him. He rifled around in there, judging, criticising, sometimes touching softly and treading lightly but most of the time just stomping around as if he owned it. I had never opened my heart up SO MUCH to anyone in my life before. Not even my sister. My children have my fully opened heart but that is safer, that is different. There will always be a part of my heart and my soul and my mind that holds love for him too. It doesn’t just go away. I mean, I still love Storme’s dad. I saw on facebook somewhere I’m sure, that once you love someone you will never stop, the love might change, the relationship might change but you will never stop loving someone and if you do, then you never truly loved them to begin with. That is true for me.

Therefore, today I have heart pain, soul pain, emotional pain. There is a deep sadness well inside me and my heart has plummeted to the depths of it today whenever I realise what the date is. I wonder if it affects him the same way (I doubt it). I wonder if he even acknowledges or realises that today is our anniversary. Just because we aren’t together, we aren’t married, it doesn’t stop it from being our anniversary. It is still the anniversary of the day we were married on the beach in South Australia as the sun set over the water, within a heart drawn in the sand filled with rose petals within a circle drawn in the sand filled with frangipanis – probably the greatest gift my  mother ever gave me. This date will forever be our anniversary. So I hold and acknowledge and embody the pain today.

Despite the emotional pain, despite the almost debilitating anxiety that tries to override me and prevent me doing stuff, despite feeling super dumb at uni, today, I won.

What do you think?