Woke up hungry again but it wasn’t so bad and after my tablet it backed off. Tried the strawberry flavour today. It’s ok. So far, I have had the coffee, mocha, vanilla, caramel, strawberry and chocolate. I won’t have the vanilla again, it tastes and smells way too much like the Herbalife stuff. The rest are ok. The only other two flavours are banana and chai. I don’t think I would like the chai but if I need a bit of variety, I might buy some at some point. I am still feeling motivated and determined and disciplined. Enough so that I bought 4 more boxes of OF which equates to a 16-day supply.
I was ‘naughty’ today. I stepped on the scales. One of the first things you learn when you go on a weight loss journey is not to step on the scales every day. To choose the same day and time once a week and that is it. Because our weight fluctuates so much through the day and through the week, the only accurate reading is that once a week, same time, same day reading. I couldn’t help myself though. I wanted to see if I was making any progress. I know that come next Monday (my official weigh-in day) that I may not have lost so much but on Monday when I began this journey, I weighed in at 141.5 kg and today, Wednesday, when I weighed in, I am already down to 139.9 kg. That’s a current loss of 1.6 kg. If that sticks I’ll be super happy! Though I’m not confident at all because I tend to fluctuate anywhere from 139 kgs to 142 kgs when I’m not even trying to lose.
Having said that, because I am so very morbidly obese, I am likely to drop weight pretty quickly for the first few weeks. When I plateau in a few weeks, that will be the real test of my will because while I’m seeing results, it keeps me motivated and strong. When I feel like I’m doing my absolute best but I’m not getting anywhere… that is when I’m likely to throw the towel in and concede defeat. So again, the first few days, even the first few weeks, while apparently the hardest for most people, are actually the easiest for me. It’s the prolonged sustainability that I suck at. If I can make it past a month, it will be a miracle. I hope I do though. I hope I can this time. I hope writing here helps me.
I had a moment just before where Gimme came forward a little stronger than the past two days but it was only for a moment. She came through so strong that she actually made my stomach growl and make me feel like I was sick hungry. I am not. It lasted barely a second but it is amazing how powerful our mind is, that it can cause that in us. It is interesting watching/listening/feeling what my body/mind tries to do. I hope I can keep this detached observance as I travel through the year. I hope I can continue to just stand apart from the goings on and just watch, allow these things the space to exist and then carry on doing what I need to do so that I can have a better body weight again before I do start to get sick.
I want to show my daughter it is possible to control your weight and eat right and it doesn’t have to be a BIG thing. She has chubby cheeks but she is not a fat girl, she is curvy, she has no choice, it is genetic. My family are curvy, voluptuous humans. A lot of her friends are straight, thin little girls. I think she compares herself to them so I want to show her that you do not have to be straight and thin to be beautiful. When I reach my goal weight, I will still be curvy and voluptuous and she will learn that does not mean I, or she, is fat. She tries to say she is fat and it hurts my heart that she thinks that. At least I get to say, no honey, no. Look at me. This is fat. You are not. I’m not putting any shame on being fat when I say it, it is just a fact. A simple fact. That is all. No emotion or hate attached to it. It is just a way of putting it into perspective. By getting a thinner body shape again though, I can show her that it’s possible to make the right choices and I can teach her what those right choices are along the way. I am hopeful my journey will help my beautiful daughter.
Lastly, as a bonus side effect to this journey, I’ve begun walking again. I was doing really well walking every day through winter and spring but when summer began to roll in with it’s humidity I just couldn’t do it anymore. Yet, even though summer is still here, I have begun walking again albeit at night time and not around the bushlands as is my preference but it’s better than nothing. I haven’t met my 5000 step a day goal yet but I’m getting close and that is great! So here is me cheering on another win. Let’s hope I can keep it up and let’s hope that using this blog to journal my progress helps me keep it up too.
Today, I won.