First full day of uni and it was confronting and brutal and I have a feeling my tutor thinks I’m not participating enough but I don’t care because I know I’m doing the best I can in this moment. I had a lot of ‘old’ crap come up today around groups and how I feel within groups and how I do not feel safe in groups, so as the day progressed I acknowledge I became more and more aloof in the group work. I would watch people interact with seeming ease and some I saw their struggle, their nerves but all of it felt so beyond me at some point. I have been left feeling inadequate, unintelligent, questioning if I should actually be doing this and if I even can. I had intense burning throughout my power centre followed by my hands shaking. It felt like too much. I have hidden my self away very well the past 4 years, more than ever before and then to have to interact with strangers for 8 hours… it was hard, it was exhausting and I really did not enjoy it. I get that experiential learning is really good, lived experience is going to help me embody the learning but I love book learning. I gain a lot from book learning and with book learning I get to hide and be unseen.
Regardless of all that I had my three shakes today, I went
for walks at lunch time and while I did eat a pretty big dinner cause I was
starving, I didn’t cave. I didn’t buy food or even coffee, I stuck to the
program and hopefully, that helps and shows up on the scales when I do my
mid-week weigh-in tomorrow. I’d love to see me down in the 135 kg range. I hope
that the stress helped me drop weight rather than kept it on me. I know the
weight tries to protect me but it’s not working. I need to release it, it needs
to be gone. I need different tools to help protect myself.
So today, I won.