Today was hard at times. My daughter tried her hand at making macarons for the first time today and she did a really good job, they looked great and she said they tasted great too. She offered me a small one, which was beautiful and was extremely hard to say no to but I said no to it anyway. I said no and they have been calling out to me for the rest of the day. I have ignored them and I will continue to ignore them though I almost caved right after dinner which is when I normally crave a sugar hit.
Then, she made pancakes for dinner. I only told her the measurements for enough to make for the three of the kids and none left over which is good because they smelled so good and I really wanted to just shove one covered in lemon juice and sugar in my gob. It was such an internal/emotional pain denying myself. It was such a deep sadness in me to say no. I am glad I did and I’m sure it will help me in the long run and hopefully, it gets easier but it was not easy today. Not even a little bit. All I’ve done all day is study and work on graphic design stuff for a friend. It was nice to get paid for it, I have to admit, but it still took a bit out of me, as did all the reading I did today. There is just SO MUCH reading involved in this BAP and I question how I’m meant to find the time to get it done. Reading is draining and I am not entirely sure what the point of all of it is anyway as I don’t think we’ll be discussing it or exploring it in class at all. In class is more about group work and doing experientials, which means half the stuff I do here at home with all the reading isn’t going to sink in because it’s not addressed in class. I worry about the format. I get it’s an experiential based learning mode but at the same time, I’m an academic and I like to learn in a more traditional way. I guess we’ll see how it goes. I can always back out if it turns out it just isn’t for me.
That has been all my day has been. Sitting here in front of the damn computer. So sentient. How am I ever going to lose weight when I’m always so sentient, past a certain point… I don’t know. Especially when I can barely even find time to walk let alone any weight bearing exercise or cardio fitness exercise and this is without even spending any time preparing food.
Well, regardless, I win today. I win hard.