Day Twenty

Today has passed uneventfully. I am still consistently plagued by the relationship and the consequences of that and my feelings of insecurity, lack of self worth, wondering why I wasn’t good enough or lovable enough and what if I am all the things he ever convinced me to feel about myself? There is this constant clench in my stomach but I guess that’s ok because it stops any hunger. Not that I have had any. It’s now almost been 3 weeks and while I seem to have put ON this week for some reason, I’m still happy to keep going with it all. I haven’t fallen off the wagon. I hope this week is an anomaly, maybe my scales were wrong on Monday somehow and gave a false reading. Perhaps I wasn’t standing on them properly and it’s not that I have put on weight this week, it’s that I didn’t actually lose as much as the scales told me I had last week. At the end of the day though, I’ve said goodbye to the 140 kg range forever now and that’s a great thing. All I can do is keep doing what I’m doing and hope for the best. Perhaps I am holding on to all this pain and that is why the weight is staying where it is. If anything this relationship is showing me I’m still nowhere near healing the pain, the damage. My emotional body is still a bleeding mess strewn across the emotional plane. I don’t know how to piece it back together or if I ever will. Some days I feel very alone and wonder what is so integrally wrong with me, that this is my life. I’ve often pondered that this life has been one big karmic payback. I’m embodying the karmic experience of all those other lives where I was not who I am in this life. If I choose to come back for another, I hope I choose to both be who I am in this life and experience who I am in this life. I really don’t know that I can take anymore pain this lifetime. I really don’t know that I can take anymore rejection this lifetime. I really don’t know if I can take anymore criticism and judgement and general all-round feeling of never being good enough. I’m so done.

Again, even though I’m not feeling it… today, I won.

What do you think?