What I discovered yesterday, on Day One, is that I have this … it’s not a voice, I think I want to call it an entity, or maybe it is a persona, maybe we will call it Fat Samm… I have Fat Samm in the back of my mind. She sits waaaaaaay back, so far back that I normally don’t notice she is there. What I’ve come to understand is, she is subtle, she hides but she is there and she drives the Food Truck. Like I said in Day One Post, the first few days of starting something are not the hardest for me but often the easiest and for this particular addiction I’m trying to overcome, this is a lifelong thing. I am going to literally be fighting this persona, this Fat Samm, for the rest of my life. She doesn’t move, this Fat Samm. I think she is so fat she has no legs anymore. If I envision her she is literally this blob, almost like Jabba the Hut, omg maybe I should call it Samma the Hut LOL and I can’t see her legs and all she wants is food. Food. Food. Gimme food. I’m not hungry. Don’t care, gimme food. Ohhh, you know what, maybe she can be called Gimme. I like that, that fits the best.
So Gimme. She’s already not too pleased about the haps. At the most random moments I’ll discover Gimme saying, “Food?” I was sitting there around 10 am yesterday typing away at my MT job as I do and there’s this gnawing energy way back in the dark recesses of my mind and I realise there is a thought that keeps being pushed forward from there. “You should eat.” “What is there to eat.” “Food?” “Food.” “Things to eat.”
It’s not a need. I’m not hungry. It’s not even a wanting because I don’t want to eat, I’m busy. But it’s thought that keeps being pushed forward and capturing my attention. It is weak, for now but the deeper need, the ache, the desire I get to stuff my face, it’s not that strong yet. Give her time, Gimme will begin to speak louder for sure. I know it. Now I’ve found her, named her, given her my attention and given her shape and located where she is and what she feels like and what she sounds like, I realise I’m very familiar with her. She is like a comfortable pair of tracksuit pants or an oversized hoodie. Comfy and familiar, comforting.
Day one was easy enough. I also had the last of my coke to drink, probably about 300 mL I had left and I had one last ice cream cone. Those are gone now. Today, I had a large Cadbury caramel easter egg that is in my fridge. There is another one there. I’ll have it tomorrow though I’m not craving these things… yet. I’m just sort of eating them because they are there and I want them gone but I am unwilling to just throw them away.
Today has been easy enough as well. I was hungrier than I normally am in the morning and that sucks because I do take levothyroxine, it has to be on an empty stomach and I am not meant to eat for half an hour after but it wasn’t a ravenous hunger. It was just a noticing of slight hunger. This is new for me, normally I will have a very large cup of coffee around 10 and not actually feel hungry until after midday. I heard Gimme again this morning. Still fairly faint and distant. That was until I walked into Woollies. I forgot to get dishwashing liquid and I was in desperate need to do dishes and I decided I wanted some salmon with my salad for dinner. Before I even got past the first lot of sliding doors into the store, I could smell the bread and Gimme started roaring like a starving lioness. I had to stay ultra-focused because I felt Gimme so far forward she was right behind my eyes and kept wanting to look around for something, anything. The smell of bread was driving her wild. I caved and got grapes instead. It wasn’t what she wanted but at least it was something I wasn’t intending to get and that seemed to satisfy the need, the gimme need. Even after that, passing the aisle with the chips and the thought popped in ‘chips, eat chips, chips are good, what kind of chips will we get today?’ I ignored it. Then on the way out, all the fizzy drinks lined up calling my name. Gimme says, ‘coke, get coke, we will just drink a few sips every day, we’ll be fine, we can do that. It’s fine. Get coke. Going on. But if you’re going to get one, you may as well get two because they’re 2fer.’ It was actually the part about getting 2 that paused me. If that thought hadn’t crossed my mind, I may very well have a bottle of coke in my fridge right now. I could feel the weakness there on that one and after having walked through the shop fighting off every other comment Gimme made, I was worn down and coke, coke has always been my weakness. Yet, I didn’t get it. There was another voice that popped up, this one stronger… for now. “You can just drink water. Water is good. You like water.” This is a female, she reminds me of a warrior princess like Athena even with the robes/tunic. I hope she sticks around for a long time.
I really do want to lose weight this year. 1 kg a week is all I ask. Extra is great. I’ll be happy with any loss though, even if it’s just 100 g. If I can end this year with less fat on me, wearing clothes a size or more, lower, if the scales can read under 141.5 kg, then I will call it a successful year. I hope I can do it. I really do. Wish me luck.
For now, today, I won.