Day Twenty-Seven

Today was hard at times. My daughter tried her hand at making macarons for the first time today and she did a really good job, they looked great and she said they tasted great too. She offered me a small one, which was beautiful and was extremely hard to say no to but I said no to it anyway. I said no and they have been calling out to me for the rest of the day. I have ignored them and I will continue to ignore them though I almost caved right after dinner which is when I normally crave a sugar hit.

Then, she made pancakes for dinner. I only told her the measurements for enough to make for the three of the kids and none left over which is good because they smelled so good and I really wanted to just shove one covered in lemon juice and sugar in my gob. It was such an internal/emotional pain denying myself. It was such a deep sadness in me to say no. I am glad I did and I’m sure it will help me in the long run and hopefully, it gets easier but it was not easy today. Not even a little bit. All I’ve done all day is study and work on graphic design stuff for a friend. It was nice to get paid for it, I have to admit, but it still took a bit out of me, as did all the reading I did today. There is just SO MUCH reading involved in this BAP and I question how I’m meant to find the time to get it done. Reading is draining and I am not entirely sure what the point of all of it is anyway as I don’t think we’ll be discussing it or exploring it in class at all. In class is more about group work and doing experientials, which means half the stuff I do here at home with all the reading isn’t going to sink in because it’s not addressed in class. I worry about the format. I get it’s an experiential based learning mode but at the same time, I’m an academic and I like to learn in a more traditional way. I guess we’ll see how it goes. I can always back out if it turns out it just isn’t for me.

That has been all my day has been. Sitting here in front of the damn computer. So sentient. How am I ever going to lose weight when I’m always so sentient, past a certain point… I don’t know. Especially when I can barely even find time to walk let alone any weight bearing exercise or cardio fitness exercise and this is without even spending any time preparing food.

Well, regardless, I win today. I win hard.

Day Twenty-Six

Because I now do my bachelor course (BAP), I have to no longer do my medical transcription work (MT) on Wednesdays. While I do not get paid a hell of a lot of money for that, it still helps me pay my rent and keep my children fed, so that means instead of doing between 500 and 600 lines a day, I need to have days like today where I got over 1100 lines done. The only problem is, that leaves me kind of brain dead and it doesn’t always work so well. Some days I speed through and get 500 lines done by midday, other days I’ve barely done 200 lines by midday. It could be that I’m tired, or distracted or it could be that the dictators are harder, taking more of my time, I have to research more, I can’t find the associates etc. This leaves me feeling a little scared at times at how I’m meant to survive and get this degree done at the same time.

I did really well with the eating again today. No cravings, no cavings. I’m surprised that in two more days I’ll have been doing this for 4 weeks already. That simply blows my mind. It has been a lot easier than I ever expected. We are getting to the gritty part though, where I have to really push through and struggle a little. If I can manage to keep this going for 6 months to a year… that would be so amazing. I just have to keep my driving factor at the forefront. I’m ready to stop being Samm the Morbidly Obese.

Today, I won!

Day Twenty-Five

They say it takes 7 days to break a habit, 21 days to form a new one and a year to solidify that new one. Well, not sure if I have formed a new habit yet but let’s hope so. I had a much better eating day today. We’re nearing the end of the week where all the yummy foods have now been consumed by the kids and any extra bits I got for me have now been consumed also. I still have some aloe vera juice left but the glass I drink is very negligible when it comes to calorie intake. Having said that when I did my mid-week weight that doesn’t count I was 1 kg up again. I just don’t get it. I have faith I’ll be down on official weigh-in day again but I was really hoping for bigger losses and if I’m down mid-week that’s a good indication for a bigger loss. I really wanna see 135.something on the scale when I hope on, on Monday. I’m not giving up hope. I think I retained a lot of water yesterday because of being out of the house and in an environment with people I’m not comfortable with, so instead of peeing as much as I normally would, I only went a couple times yet I went through almost 2 litres of water through the day. Yet today I did a lot of peeing this morning and so maybe I was releasing a lot of what I retained yesterday.

I have barely had anything today, plus I made my step goal of 5500 and now it’s time for sleep. I really enjoy the book learning part of this course. I’m currently reading an excerpt from a book that questions what health and illness is and how is it defined and what governs its definition and shows how people are all going to view what is and is not healthy differently. It’s super interesting and I’m thoroughly enjoying it. I admit I also love the critiques against the medical model because it all resonates with me! I got a fair bit of study done today and I am happy with that though I’m still feeling like there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get done what needs to get done. I guess we will see. I didn’t watch any tv tonight and that helped. I may have to quit TV altogether for the next 3 years!

Anyway, as it goes, today, I won!

Day Twenty-Four

First full day of uni and it was confronting and brutal and I have a feeling my tutor thinks I’m not participating enough but I don’t care because I know I’m doing the best I can in this moment. I had a lot of ‘old’ crap come up today around groups and how I feel within groups and how I do not feel safe in groups, so as the day progressed I acknowledge I became more and more aloof in the group work. I would watch people interact with seeming ease and some I saw their struggle, their nerves but all of it felt so beyond me at some point.  I have been left feeling inadequate, unintelligent, questioning if I should actually be doing this and if I even can. I had intense burning throughout my power centre followed by my hands shaking. It felt like too much. I have hidden my self away very well the past 4 years, more than ever before and then to have to interact with strangers for 8 hours… it was hard, it was exhausting and I really did not enjoy it. I get that experiential learning is really good, lived experience is going to help me embody the learning but I love book learning. I gain a lot from book learning and with book learning I get to hide and be unseen.

Regardless of all that I had my three shakes today, I went for walks at lunch time and while I did eat a pretty big dinner cause I was starving, I didn’t cave. I didn’t buy food or even coffee, I stuck to the program and hopefully, that helps and shows up on the scales when I do my mid-week weigh-in tomorrow. I’d love to see me down in the 135 kg range. I hope that the stress helped me drop weight rather than kept it on me. I know the weight tries to protect me but it’s not working. I need to release it, it needs to be gone. I need different tools to help protect myself.

So today, I won.

Day Twenty-Three

It hasn’t been easy not to eat all the things today either. I told you, the first few weeks are easy for me, it’s once I hit about week three or four that things begin to head south and I’m so concerned that is beginning to happen. Though, I haven’t had any biscuits today even though they are now open and the kids have eaten some. I had none of their snacks, my big one today was 6 LBDs and 2 mouthfuls of their mash potato. So really, not too bad if you think about it. I still went for my walk too and while I’m still 1000 steps away from my goal it’s still better than not having gone for a walk.

The whole food thing is maybe not going so well the past couple days too cause I start uni tomorrow and that means having to drive in peak hour there and back, pay for petrol, fuel, parking and sit in a room full of strangers (other than one amazing human who did my TAT course with me so that is super exciting that of all the people she showed up!) and put my learning hat on and be prepared to own my bigness and put myself out there to be seen and heard and judged by others. Knowing I now lose time being in the energy of my kids. Knowing this is leading down a path where I have to become more and more confident and despite what the aura reading lady said about orange being confidence, I don’t often feel it! I’m not sure how I’ll sleep tonight and then I have to get up earlier than normal and hopefully don’t forget anything. It’s all feeling quite stressful for me and I think I’m definitely a stress eater. So the fact that I have resisted so far is actually quite amazing!

So really, today, I won!

It hasn’t been easy not to eat all the things today either. I told you, the first few weeks are easy for me, it’s once I hit about week three or four that things begin to head south and I’m so concerned that is beginning to happen. Though, I haven’t had any biscuits today even though they are now open and the kids have eaten some. I had none of their snacks, my big one today was 6 LBDs and 2 mouthfuls of their mash potato. So really, not too bad if you think about it. I still went for my walk too and while I’m still 1000 steps away from my goal it’s still better than not having gone for a walk.

The whole food thing is maybe not going so well the past couple days too cause I start uni tomorrow and that means having to drive in peak hour there and back, pay for petrol, fuel, parking and sit in a room full of strangers (other than one amazing human who did my TAT course with me so that is super exciting that of all the people she showed up!) and put my learning hat on and be prepared to own my bigness and put myself out there to be seen and heard and judged by others. Knowing I now lose time being in the energy of my kids. Knowing this is leading down a path where I have to become more and more confident and despite what the aura reading lady said about orange being confidence, I don’t often feel it! I’m not sure how I’ll sleep tonight and then I have to get up earlier than normal and hopefully don’t forget anything. It’s all feeling quite stressful for me and I think I’m definitely a stress eater. So the fact that I have resisted so far is actually quite amazing!

So really, today, I won!

Day Twenty-Two

My kids are back with me today. The world feels better, feels more right, when they are around. These ‘detox’ tablets or whatever they are the naturopath has me on aren’t making me feel any different… at all. I mean, I’ll give them time and I’ll see what she has to say when I speak to her next but so far, nothing has changed.

Weigh-in today was better than I expected but less than what I hoped for. I only lost 300 grams last week and I can’t figure out why. Nothing changed. Unless I’ve been getting up and sleep eating, nothing changed. So, I don’t understand the massive mid-week gain and I don’t understand the small full-week drop. It does put me at 136.7 kgs though. I got to I think exactly this weight about a year ago but then I kept fluctuating between this and 140 all year last year. That leaves me to wonder if my body has gone, well no, this is the smallest you’ve been for a long time so anything less is not healthy, it means you’re starving… or some shit. I dunno. I will keep going though. My body will learn that it is safe to release/use the stored fat. I don’t need to keep holding on to it. I’m not about to go into famine either physically or emotionally. I no longer need protecting from the world. It is time for me to step up and step out and it’s safe for me to do so. I appreciate all my body has done to protect me over the years, I have had a lot of emotional battery but it’s okay. I am okay. So as long as I keep going with this, my body will catch on and it will work with me, I know it. My body has always been a quick healer, a quick regenerator and that is all this is, this journey to a healthier weight… it’s regenerating.

I did find it difficult today though. Going shopping with/for the kids again and trying to think of food. It is hard when I have to think of food. I think that is why the OF works for me. I don’t have to think about it. The OF is my way of literally going cold turkey. I know it’s not good for me, really, long term, but a big part of me just wants to live on it forever more. I hate having to think about food because the second I have to think about food things go hinky. I mean, I only got the kids stuff but then I got home and I was dividing the chips and the teevee snacks up into small baggies for the kids to take to school and I had 3 of the grainwaves chips and 1 of the teevee snacks and when I was cutting open their bread rolls to toast under the grill holy fucking shit it smelled so good and it literally took every single ounce of my being to not rip off the small bits that hang off the bun and shove them in my mouth. I just knew if I did, I might not be able to stop. I am worried this is the start of the snowball you know? I hope it’s not. I really hope it’s not. I worry that it is though. At the shops even my brain had fallen into its normal mode thinking about getting coke or fizzy drink, thinking about getting biscuits and such. I think I shocked it when I caught myself thinking those things and very consciously said to myself, no, I don’t consume that stuff anymore.

So, today, I don’t feel like I won. I don’t feel like I won because I ate a lot of chicken and I caved and had a few of the little snacky things and I drank more aloe vera juice and while I know it’s not packed with sugar and aloe vera is really good for you… it’s so sweet and delicious it feels bad for me.

I got a referral to a dietitian and a psychologist though, so I’m going to take the ingredient list to the dietitian and see what she says and when I eventually go to the psychologist, I will focus mostly on the weight loss and also on the social anxiety around making friends. It was nice to have Kara tell me she thinks I’m awesome though. Yet still there is that part of my brain that IMMEDIATELY comes back with, “she doesn’t mean it, she’s just saying that to be nice.” Like, what the actual fuck brain? :/ Maybe she really does like me, maybe she really does think I’m nice, think I’m awesome, enjoyed spending time arting with me as much I enjoyed spending time with her. Yet that thought is pervasive. How could anyone ever like me. Seriously, I totally overthought it all after I dropped her off. Does that ever go away?

Anyway, even though I don’t feel like I won today, I really did. I won hard. Because I didn’t eat the bread and I didn’t just shove handfuls of the grainwaves into my mouth and I only had ONE teevee snack not 10. So while today was rough and today I wasn’t 100% compliant to my weight loss journey, today, I still won.

Day Twenty One

So, I really do want actual friends that I can spend time with and do stuff with but at the same time I really value my time alone. How do I reconcile that? I got to spend the day with a lovely lady today, she is soft, she has similar beliefs to myself, we’re on quite a similar journey together but then I realised I got nothing done today… I mean, it wasn’t nothing. I got to chat and I got to do some art and I got to go to a psychic fair but I did not get any study done and I got to the end of the day and it felt like a blip, it went so fast. Which I guess is proof I enjoyed my day but still… time goes fast enough, you know?

Well, tomorrow is the dreaded weigh-in day and I get to see if any weight actually came off or not. I have no hope even though nothing has changed. There is but one way to find out though. Did not struggle with food today either. There were fish n chips in front of me and even an offer of sushi and I didn’t even feel a small crumble of resolve. I think there might have been a little twinge but it was nothing. I had no craving, no hunger… I was good. So that was interesting to note. I did, however, get a boost juice but I hope that isn’t too bad and I am having an aloe vera juice now. I don’t know. I feel like I’m walking a fine line of what is ok and what is not ok. All I know is, I really want to lose weight. I want to do it for me 90% but there is that 10% that wants to do it so I don’t have to be a big heffalump when I meet his girlfriend eventually. It made me feel sick and sad when I saw her car sitting in the driveway behind his. Meh.

Anyway, today, I won.

Day Twenty

Today has passed uneventfully. I am still consistently plagued by the relationship and the consequences of that and my feelings of insecurity, lack of self worth, wondering why I wasn’t good enough or lovable enough and what if I am all the things he ever convinced me to feel about myself? There is this constant clench in my stomach but I guess that’s ok because it stops any hunger. Not that I have had any. It’s now almost been 3 weeks and while I seem to have put ON this week for some reason, I’m still happy to keep going with it all. I haven’t fallen off the wagon. I hope this week is an anomaly, maybe my scales were wrong on Monday somehow and gave a false reading. Perhaps I wasn’t standing on them properly and it’s not that I have put on weight this week, it’s that I didn’t actually lose as much as the scales told me I had last week. At the end of the day though, I’ve said goodbye to the 140 kg range forever now and that’s a great thing. All I can do is keep doing what I’m doing and hope for the best. Perhaps I am holding on to all this pain and that is why the weight is staying where it is. If anything this relationship is showing me I’m still nowhere near healing the pain, the damage. My emotional body is still a bleeding mess strewn across the emotional plane. I don’t know how to piece it back together or if I ever will. Some days I feel very alone and wonder what is so integrally wrong with me, that this is my life. I’ve often pondered that this life has been one big karmic payback. I’m embodying the karmic experience of all those other lives where I was not who I am in this life. If I choose to come back for another, I hope I choose to both be who I am in this life and experience who I am in this life. I really don’t know that I can take anymore pain this lifetime. I really don’t know that I can take anymore rejection this lifetime. I really don’t know if I can take anymore criticism and judgement and general all-round feeling of never being good enough. I’m so done.

Again, even though I’m not feeling it… today, I won.

Day Nineteen

I am completely overwhelmed with the amount of reading and work that I need to put into this Bachelor of Arts Psychotherapy degree. The first subject is: Foundations in Arts Psychotherapy. It goes for six weeks. For the first week, I have 45 pages to read before we even get to class. I also have to gather some supplies to make a ‘vessel’ on the first day… not even sure what to bring in for that. The second subject, which is being studied at the same time as the first subject, is: Integrative systems of health and wellbeing. I have 9 self-assessments to do before the first day, plus 4 readings of however many pages and a 35-minute TED talk to watch. I am not entirely sure how I am meant to find 1) the time to do all of this and 2) the mental capacity to take it all in and integrate it into my knowledge base! It is overwhelming and this is just the first 2 lessons let alone the rest of them!

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the subject matter. It fascinates the shit out of me and I deeply hope it leads to a job where I get to help people sort through their own mental health issues and hopefully, help them reach a space within themselves where they can lead their best life. I’m just questioning my capabilities right now.

I’ve had a lifetime of avoiding things. Avoiding jobs because going to the interviews was too much for me to cope with, avoiding finishing studies or projects because before the end I would move on to something else that grabbed my attention or there would be a requirement that was too much for me to cope with, like triads and placement. I have spent my life being a mother because, for me, that is easy. However, after being in a marriage to him for 10 years, he has me believing that is all I can do. He has me believing that I can’t or won’t work. He has me believing I am incapable and a bad example to our children. I am left floundering while he is out there living his best life with a woman who calls him babe. Babe. A word he scoffed at and called juvenile but now it’s okay… because it’s not me?

I jumped on the scales again today. Still over 1 kg heavier than I was on Monday. I was hoping the other day was just some anomaly and the weight would have magically gone back to where it was. So now I’m questioning my scales. Was Monday’s reading wrong? Or are these higher readings wrong? Or have I really put ON the extra kilo even though I’m doing the same things I was doing for the first two weeks? I seriously do not understand it at all. I guess I have to wait for Monday and I will see what the scales say and then I will talk to the Dr about it and then book in for an appointment with a dietitian and see what they say. It is disheartening though. Getting on those scales and seeing consistent drops is motivating and lifts my spirits. Getting on them and seeing the weight put ON is confusing and devastating. I’m really wanting to lose at least 10 to 20 kgs by e\Easter long weekend and this development is detrimental to my goals. It feels incredibly unfair, truth be told. Thankfully it still isn’t enough to stop this journey. I am still on the OF bandwagon and I really do hope to stay on it for this year. Then we will see what we see, though we will also see what the dietitian says. Really though, I don’t have the time to be making food and I don’t like the whole make it in bulk thing either. I’m very much a fresh food eater. I hate reheating. I always have and I always will. I don’t know about other people, but for me it changes the taste of food. I don’t like it. I am a picky eater and it’s not that I won’t eat a large variety of foods, I love a large variety of foods, it’s that I am picky about HOW I eat it, HOW it is prepared etc, etc.

Tomorrow is the weekend. I guess we’ll see how I am tomorrow. I still have to do some MT work but I have a lot of study to do. I really want to stay on top of it all because I know if I don’t then I’ll feel even more overwhelmed. If you start to fall behind it’s really difficult to catch the fuck up. So, I want to stay on top of it. I hope Dan can find me a Monday, Thursday and Friday job that pays at least $20/hr. That might help take the load off a little. I could quit MT maybe.

So even though I don’t feel like it… today, I won. 

Day Eighteen

Got my login details for the bachelor of Arts psychotherapy today and logged in. There is a lot of stuff to do before the first class even begins which is a bit overwhelming but more than that I’m such a think 10 steps ahead kind of person that of course I have to go have a look at what is expected of me over the next 6 weeks! I’m already preparing for my written assignment and my *shudder* presentation. I’m trying not to let my anxiety have too much of a say in it all or I might just not do it. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe and stop thinking that far in the future and just concentrate on right now. Right now I just have to get some reading done and get my medical transcription done and I will be fine.

Doing the pee test for the naturopath today. I’m a little concerned that I’ve drunk 2 L of water and yet barely even 1 L has come out of me. Clearly, I am retaining water and I’m not sure why that is or what that might mean but it also means that the scales are telling me I’ve put 1.5 kgs ON even though absolutely nothing has changed since the last two weeks. Unless I’m somehow secretly getting up at night and eating but I don’t know what I could be eating. I mean, I assumed it was TeenBoy getting up and eating the toast… at least I hope it was! Otherwise, what? Why? I don’t understand. Not that it matters, the mid-week weigh doesn’t count either way. As long as I go down on the Monday I’m good. I know my weight fluctuates pretty full on.

So, no particular cravings today. No uncontrollable hunger. No desire to eat sweats or anything. I went to the shops to buy some new shirts and to get some stationery and I had that urge to buy something, anything, else but didn’t. So it was a successful day really. I just hope it keeps up and come Monday I have lost another 1-2 kg.

Today, I won.