DAY 91

Well I didn’t quite make it to a 7700 deficit this week and seeing as I can have a 10000 deficit and still not lose 1 kg I just don’t like my chances. Plus any time I’ve weighed in mid-week this week I’ve put ON 1 kg, so I guess we’ll see what we see tomorrow. Today was a nothing special day. I didn’t eat anything terribly bad other than I had a chocolate milk after dinner. I did some lawn mowing which is good for the burning of calories though and well, the hounds of hell have arrived so any water retention might finally release from my body but probably not for a couple days. I’m not feeling hopeful to have maintained my 1 kg a week average sadly.

I’ve done fuck all but read uni stuff and procrastinate about reading uni stuff cause it’s all boring as hell and I can’t even find shit to reference for my assignments which is doing my head in. I’m so ready for this first trimester to be over with. I know that the whole 3 week break will be taken up with essays and then reading for the next trimester but I’m very much over it all. I’m just really over all the things today I guess because I’m so stressed about money and the lack thereof. Not sure how I’m meant to feed my kids this week, so that’s a fun thing I get to try and deal with. I’m fine, I can probably just live on OF but they need actual real food that costs actual real money. I need a face painting gig or fucking something.

I did the ritual to burn the message tree from uni today but that was for them not me. Meh, I’m just really over life right now. Is that post-camp blues starting to hit? Or is that just the stresses of life hitting? Or is it bleeding-time hormonal flux hitting? Or am I just really tired? I don’t know. It would help my mood if I weigh in under 129 tomorrow though, so let’s just hope for the best even though I’m expecting the worse. Today, I guess I won.

DAY 90

I had lunch instead of dinner today because I knew I was going to go into the city to take part in a Samhain ritual hosted by the Temple of All Gods… or something like that. There were a number of familiar faces, which was comforting. I got a bunch of hugs, which was really nice. I was told yet again that I give good hugs, which I know I do because if I am going to hug you, I’m going to hug you properly, none of this half-assed courtesy social hug shit. I hug for real when I hug. That’s why my hugs are so good.

The ritual itself was… anticlimactic. A little lacklustre. The premise was good but there was something very contained about it. I could be wrong but I think this is the first ritual of it’s kind hosted by these guys and it’s a bringing together of multiple traditions so I think there was a little bit of feeling around to see where the edges are, what is acceptable to all, inclusive, and it felt like people held back, like they were keeping themselves contained. Perhaps it was because it was Samhain and it was meant to be sombre? Or more quite? I don’t know. For me there was no really clear casting of the circle and the elements were all lumped together and the whole thing wasn’t participatory and I think that was what was lacking, because without that participatory casting and calling of sacred space there felt like there was this lack of power and lack of strong container for the working. It all felt rather contrived and rehearsed. I feel like it could have been far more powerful and I don’t know if it was because of the space we were in or because of the mixture of traditions or the newness of it all but it was a little disappointing. The best part of the evening for me was getting to speak to the campers and get hugs from people. Maybe it will grow and get better. Maybe some ground rules or norms will be set in place. I think the biggest part for me is sacred space was not adequately laid and the cone of power wasn’t … empowered? The oomph of tossing it out into the far reaches of Brisbane almost got there but at the same time, I wasn’t clear on the intention of that energy and what it was doing. That is another thing lacking for me, where was the clear intention of the energy we were working with and gathering?

Anyway, it is what it is and I’m grateful I went. Each time I have an interaction with these people it becomes a little easier, a little more familiar and a little more like home. I wish I could skip to the part where we’ve known each other for years and had many experiences together but that takes time.

Tomorrow I get to read all my uni stuff and maybe perform my own ritual and build a solid sacred space and cone of power and give my energy the release it’s desiring. As for food today, I feel like I won.

Day 89

Didn’t go for a walk today so barely got over 1000 steps. Didn’t do any high intensity workout. Ate 3 liquorice sticks but now there is no more left.  Haven’t had anything else to eat but apparently the liquorice is high in calories so I barely have any deficit again. I guess we’ll see what we see, because I’ve had a 10,000 calorie deficit and lost only 100 grams one week, maybe my metabolism is increasing, who knows. I’m doing the best I can right now and I’m not sure what else I can do. I just have to try and keep going.

Nothing special really about today. I got a good line count done. I got to hang out with my kids. I watched way too much tv instead of doing my uni readings so I am actually quite behind in all that. I’m super tired now and ready for bed so that’s where I’m off to instead of walking. Oh well. It is what is it. Did I win? Sure, I didn’t eat pizza, mcdonalds, kfc or drink any fizzy drink. So that’s winning in my opinion.

DAY 88

So I sit here typing this at 8.30 pm and I’ve not even walked 1000 steps. I will go for a walk soon to get my steps up and burn some extra calories though because according to my log of calories in and calories out I’m 213 calories in excess and calories in excess is NOT conducive to weight loss. So a bit of a walk should hopefully help with that. It doesn’t help that I had a small bag of popcorn today and apparently, they are worth 375 calories. That’s not a lot to eat for so many calories :/ I didn’t think popcorn was that bad! I’m also currently enjoying two chocolate coated sticks of liquorice a day as well and that apparently comes out to around 380 calories too, so without the OF shakes or dinner I’m already at half my allowance. Needless to say, I went over my intake allowance today but today is one day and I really don’t mind. I need to be allowed to just eat more than I should some days. Though it does leave me wondering… how on earth will I be able to eat low enough to lose weight once I start getting thinner and my basal metabolic rate goes down? And how, once I reach my target weight, will I ever be able to maintain that, like I will barely be able to eat anything and that doesn’t sound very fun at all.

For instance my dinner tonight was a big plate of lettuce, gherkins, corn, avocado, mushroom, tomato, onion, cauliflower, chicken and cheese. But it was a big steaming pile of food and I still felt like I could have eaten more after it was done… so, how am I meant to cut that in half or even quarters?!!

So food-wise I guess I didn’t win today? Though really I didn’t eat anything bad, so… I don’t know. I just don’t know how it all works. It was barely a handful of popcorn and liquorice is good for you isn’t it? I guess I’ll see how weigh-in goes on Monday. This morning I was back over 130 kg which sucks. I really need to get under 128.5 kg to stay on my 1kg/week track and right now, that’s 2 kg from where I was this morning :/ It’s disheartening and my motivation isn’t as strong anymore. My why isn’t as powerful anymore. I know I need to start with the more high intensity exercise now and start doing weights but I barely find time to walk these days… there’s just no time for anything and I’m suppose to be sitting her thinking there is plenty of time? Nope, there’s not. It’s running out and I can’t seem to fit everything in that I want to or need to. Blah. Not feeling a win today. Feeling quite shit today to be honest. Maybe this is my post-camp blues starting to hit. We’ll see how I feel after the Samhain ritual on Saturday, maybe that will give me the boost I need.

Day 86

So tired again today. I’m not sure what it is but I’m a little over it. Today’s class was a pretty easy one with some interesting stuff. Still don’t much like this particular subject but it must be done, so do it I will. I’m pretty sure I already know what I’m putting into my assignment and I’ve done my part of the poster project so it’s pretty cruisy from here on out. Three more weeks until Uni holidays! Not that they are holidays cause I’ll have two 2500 word essays to write and then I’ll have to do all the reading for the next two subjects!

Managed to do over my line count this afternoon. Had to find an extra $50 just to feed me and the TeenBoy for the rest of the week :/ This doesn’t bode well for next month seeing as I didn’t quite  make the minimum amount I need to help cover my rent next month, so panic stations might be go next month. I really need a couple last minute face painting gigs to boost my funds a little. Time for me to start focusing on some magic maybe.

As for food today, I ate too much chicken and I ate two sticks of chocolate coated liquorice. I don’t know how bad that is but it kind of felt bad, so does that make it bad by default? I’m very wanty with food lately and I have to keep reminding myself that even if I am eating badly at times it’s better than I used to. I didn’t grab the doughnuts I felt like eating today, so winning!

DAY 87

All I can say is, I better lose over 1 kg this week because I have almost walked 13000 steps today. I did not expect to have to walk that far and I’m not even sure how we got about going that far actually. My body is aching, especially my back and my knee. I think pain killers will be in order for sleep tonight! At least I get to sleep in, in the morning!

As for food, I did fine, just the 2 shakes today, my huge dinner and some nuts and a couple bits of chocolate coated liquorice, so that’s not too bad… I don’t think. I mean, my dinner was HUGE but it was healthy. So today, I think I won?

Day 85

Another week has begun. Weigh-in went well. I am officially down to 129.2 kg, so a 900 gram drop since I weighed-in late last week. I am happy with that. That makes me 12.3 kgs loss total since I began OF and 26.4 kg loss total from my heaviest recorded weight ever. This week I have all of $40 to spend on food so there can be no eating shit I shouldn’t cause I simply don’t have the money to allocate to it, so hopefully I can have a nice size loss for the 12th week of this journey. I’m ready to hit the 20 kg OF loss bitches.

Got 600 lines done with MT today before my brain melted and decided it just couldn’t take anymore so that was good. Not as much as I’d have liked to get done but every little bit helps. Maybe tomorrow after uni, without the kids here because he yet again changed the routine with all of less than 24 hours notice, I might be able to get another 600 lines done. If I can do that, then maybe I can make $700 for the month. That will help cover my rent. I won’t really be able to eat on my week without the kids but hey, at least we will have a house to live in. I won’t be able to buy more gas if we need it but at least we will have a roof over our heads.

Today I ate all my Lindt dark chocolate blueberry balls which is not good, it’s mean to have 6 serves in there and I had only 1 serve yesterday so at least 5 serves today but now they are gone and I am unable to afford more! So today I did not win either but then, I did win really because I didn’t have McDonalds yesterday with the kids, I am not eating chips or doughnuts or bread or pasta, I’m not drinking fizzy drink or excessive amounts of flavoured milk, so regardless of my indiscretion with the lindt chocolate balls, I feel like I still won, I’m still winning overall and as long as I just keep losing weight, then overall I will have won, I will be winning. I’m certainly not giving up, I’m certainly feeling strong enough. I certainly am still on track to get under 100 kg. So maybe, today I won.

Day 84

I feel like I haven’t been doing so well with the whole OF/lose weight thing the past month. This makes me sad because I really do want to lose the weight. I really do want to get under 100 kg before my b’day and I want to be as skinny as I can be before I have to meet Rosanne. Maybe this coming week I will do better though. This is going to be my 12th week and I’m already down 11.4 kg. Tomorrow is weigh-in day and hopefully I’m at least 600 grams down from where I was on Tuesday or Wednesday, whenever I weighed-in. Maybe my 12th week I can get back into a more strict approach again and perhaps I can find some more high intensity exercise to do just for a little bit each day, get my heartrate to spike right up there. I’d love to see another 2kg week happen so I can be a step ahead of my goal. I really want to start seeing and feeling differences like the pants being looser at camp, the ones that don’t have the elastic and how easily the fitbit band comes on and off my wrist now, it’s no longer quite a stretch. I really want to get well and truly into the 120’s range and head on down to the teens. It’s time for me to heal myself, it’s time for me to put some of the pieces back together and put pieces I’d packed away into their rightful space and begin to own who I am and show up in the world the way I was always meant to. It’s time for me begin exploring leadership and taking on a leadership kind of energy. It’s time for me to start stepping into my power. It’s time for me to start using my power and directing my power to help me manifest things in my life again.

So today wasn’t much to talk about really. I made the kids come for a walk around the bushlands with me again and I sat here reading uni stuff half the day and then on the lounge the other half of the day and ate things I really don’t want to be eating. So that was my day. Today, again, I won for the walk but didn’t win for the food consumption. That needs to change. I need to get stricter again and I think this week I can because I literally have $40 to feed myself for the week.

Day 83

My sister came up today and I got to hear about her visit with her family and hear about the information she was given around her father and the things our mother said happened that weren’t necessarily 100% true (surprise!) then we went for a walk through the bushlands, which I haven’t really done since summer began and it was really nice to walk through there again. The hill wasn’t that bad either though I was talking about witch camp the whole time so that might have distracted me, though I did find myself out of breath. It was nice to go through and relive the camp experience again and talk about where I was challenged and pushed through and grew and all that stuff. I admit I was feeling her out as well, to see how open she was to practicing with me. I was sad to feel the lack of desire coming from her which is sad. I’m not sure why or where she is blocking of it because I do feel like she is a witch like me, so I’m not sure what her block is but I honour her journey and if that is where she is at, then so be it. I’ll be here for her if she ever wants to practice with me. It just would have been nice to have her by my side to practice with. I’m definitely ready to do this with other peoples. So I don’t think she’ll come up for the ritual on Saturday, which means I have to put on my big girl panties and go by myself (bites imaginary fingernails) but I can do this. Surely I can do this, (deep breath).

Got no MT done today but I did read a little bit of uni readings and I also watched a documentary around the 5G network which confirms the dread I feel any time I hear about it. It just hasn’t sat well with me since the first time I heard the words five gee and this documentary has just confirmed my dread. I do not like it, I do not want it rolled out and I hate that a lot of the infrastructure is already there and I don’t get a say, I don’t have a choice in this, it is being rolled out whether I like it or not, so I’m feeling super grateful for those on the front lines spreading information about it and fighting against it. These people are my heroes because I do not have the knowledge to be able to stand up and fight against it myself and I really want someone or something fighting against this. I do not think 5G is a good thing. Not even a little bit. As my sister was saying today, why? Why do we even need it? Our phones already send and receive messages and phone calls and internet and they do it quite fast enough. We don’t need more than what we already have and I’m running my phone on 3G because I’m not even keen on 4G! Yet I’m still being affected by the 4G waves even if I’m not using it and the same is going to be true for 5G, those waves are still going to affect me and my children whether I use a phone or other appliances with that capability or not. I don’t understand the motivation or end game here. Do they really want to destroy us? Do they really want mass extinction? I guess we are due right? And they’ve been unsuccessful in forcing everyone to vaccinate, so I guess this is the next step.

Anyway, that’s been my day. Not a lot else left. I did cave and have an ice cream which I didn’t even particularly enjoy and I also had a couple slices of the home pizza which I did enjoy but felt quite guilty about. I do hope that I still manage to lose some weight this week and get into the and stay in the 120-range. Tomorrow is a new day and next week is a new week. Time to kick it up a notch maybe and start adding in some weights or something. So while today was a win when it came to going for a walk, it was a loss when it came to eating. So I guess in two days we’ll see where I’m at with overall progress this week.

Day 82

Today was back to the humdrum and I wasn’t really enjoying it at all, however, I do not know what to do to change it. I am worried about next month and how I am meant to survive when the money I earn from MT this month is barely going to cover my rent and it is going to leave me with absolutely no money for food on my non-kids week… like seriously zero. My bills seem to be piling up and I’m not entirely sure how I’m meant to keep going like this for 3 fucking years. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this and make it through the bachelor degree.

So today was spent trying to MT but failing pretty miserably. I only managed 300 lines instead of 500 when I really need to be doing well over 500. As for food, I wasn’t much better. I drank way too much aloe vera juice and I had lunch and dinner as real food rather than shakes. Perhaps tomorrow I can just have shakes and a small dinner or something.  I’m truly concerned about money and I then I worry that my concern just perpetuates the issue and I don’t know how to change it. I can’t be more grateful than I am because I AM grateful, I am grateful I have a roof over my head, electricity to light our nights and run my CPAP and run our lives, gas to warm our water and cook our food, a car to drive to and from wherever, money for travel, clothes on our bodies, food in our bellies, water in our systems, a beautiful cat and the ability to feed her, a three bedroom house, fans to keep us cool, blankets to keep us warm, I’m grateful for all of that.

I don’t know. I just like to be 3 steps ahead and I plan that way and I think that way and 3 steps ahead right now from where I’m sitting is a little scary. I guess I need a few more face painting gigs to top up the coffers. Or something…

Today, I don’t feel like I have won at all.

Day 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80 and 81

It’s been a week since I’ve written and what a huge week it has been! I have come back changed. This whole going to Witch camp thing was life altering. On so many levels. I don’t even know where to begin with it all. As you know we journeyed to the underworld to be before Ereshkigal… only, I was already there. No journeying was necessary for me. I was one of the ones born into the Underworld, or at least I have been there from a very young age. Most people they live in the upper world and occasionally travel into the underworld or are thrust down there by the death of a loved one or a divorce or the loss of a job and then they head on back up to the upper world where they belong but me? I, as with so fucking much in life, am the opposite. The anomaly. I have spent a very vast chunk of my life down in the underworld only coming up for very brief glimpses and in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really made it all the way up before. I’ve come close, for sure and I have moments of upper world brightness but it is rare and it is short-lived and it’s not like what my life is now.

I don’t know how to describe it but I came away from camp and the air smells different, the colours look different, life feels different, energy feels different. I didn’t make it the whole way out of the Underworld at camp, like so many did and that devastated me for a beat. As we came up out of the gates in reverse order I got through gate 7, gate 6, gate 5, gate 4 okay. Looking back I wonder if that is as far as I’ve ever come because when we stood before gate 3 and it opened I began to tremble inside and fear bubbled up in my belly but I forced my way through it anyway. I chose life! I was saying yes to life! I was saying it was time to leave the underworld and so I forced my way through the 3rd gate and came upon the 2nd gate and all of a sudden I was struggling to breath, I was having to take conscious deep breaths in and the air felt different in my lungs and I almost felt like I was drowning in the newness of this air that I just wasn’t used to and I realised I was holding onto my leggings at the thigh for dear life as though they were a life raft. My body began to shake on the outside too, uncontrollably and I was gasping for breath, holding in my sobs because everyone else was screaming out their YES for life and whooping their way through the gate so easily and here I was thinking there was no way I could get through it. The beauty of many witches energy though is that it is powerful and encompassing and with the help of these amazing souls I was swept willingly through the gate with such deep gratitude because I know there’s no way I could have gone through  myself and then there we were, standing before the 1st gate, the very last one back into the Upper world and I was still gasping for breath and my heart was aching because I knew… I knew this was as far as I was going to go and when the gate opened and everyone screamed out past me I just stood there with tears streaming down my face, feeling like I had failed, like I had been unable to fully commit to that yes for life, I felt like I had let myself and those my life affects down by my immobilization. There was a part of me that felt like I was betraying Ereshkigal for even attempting the journey out, I had been in her realm for so long she was a part of me and it took me agreeing that I would come back down on purpose in order for me to get as far as I did. Still, I stood there trying to get myself under control as the ritual came to a close knowing I wasn’t the only one stuck here but feeling so alone in a room full of 90+ witches who were celebrating their ascension from the underworld and here I was stuck at the precipice, right at the threshold of the open door, the closest I know I have ever been because it was like stepping out of the house into Oz with Dorothy as I looked around and the colours seemed brighter, more full of life and the air crisper. I left the ritual and found a space outside in the night by myself, alone, like I felt, alone by the threshold while everyone else had gone through and not even looked back and I cried. I felt such disappointment, it had been my hope to get out, finally, for once, out, free. I’ve done my time, I thought. I’ve done my fucking time down here and if I was ever going to get out, I was sure this was how but it wasn’t. I was still stuck but it occurred to me as I sat there crying into the night that I was as close as I have ever been and that alone was an amazing shift and accomplishment and then a wave of gratitude swept over me. No, I didn’t make it out but I could see the upperworld. It was within reach, it was within my sights and I could taste it. I could taste it and if I just reached out a little I could touch it and that was amazing. This lightness spread across my whole body as I realised just how close I was and I had such gratitude surge through my body for reaching this space. Not quite where I was hoping to be but fucking close. So fucking close.

So I came back from camp changed. Very changed. I felt so different. I even had one friend mention that I looked different and that felt good to hear because I really did feel like I have changed. It was how I imagined it would feel if I suddenly won a million dollars, how I would wake up and everything for me would have changed while the world continued to move on as if nothing had changed but every had changed. There is this newness about me. My edges have been blown wide open and I don’t know where they are anymore, my inner landscape is completely new and unfamiliar and that is amazing. Life is new and unfamiliar and I am so excited to see where that leads.

When I popped on the scales this morning, mid-week weigh-in cause I wasn’t here on Monday, I saw I was down 700 grams. Not a big loss but a loss nonetheless and that is good enough. I’m almost out of the 130 kg range for good and that is amazing too. Life is amazing. I hope this momentum keeps going. If I could just get my overthinking brain to shut up about shit, that would be amazing too.