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Braver than you will know.

The room is long and connects to the open kitchen. In the kitchen that seems too white stands a woman, also in white. It looks like a nurses uniform, perhaps she works in a hospital. She is thin, scrawny even, except for the tiny little pot belly you can barely see. Her hair is very short, brown and curly, as if she sets it in curlers every night before bed. She holds a small cooking pot in one hand and appears to be yelling at the short, fat man standing at the other end of the lounge room. He is balding and grey, his face is red with rage. He seems to be huffing and puffing like a dragon, only he doesn’t shoot flames from his mouth, just his insecurities, his fears that his wife in white is having an affair and will leave him for another man.

That won’t happen though, not on his watch. Not for as long as he owns his rifle and he has bullets. He stands there, yelling back at the woman, venting his pent up anger and fear, his hatred. He is pointing his loaded rifle at her, threatening to shoot her if she doesn’t stop seeing this man. The barrel of the rifle seems to reach toward the woman standing in the kitchen, appearing longer than it is. The woman isn’t scared as she stares at the threatening barrel, at least not for herself. She is just angry and vehemently protesting the accusations.

Her eyes flicker to the left, that is where her fear crouches, hidden at the end of the lounge that sits against the wall next to the doorway that leads to the bedrooms. There’s a little girl with bright blue eyes and wavy brown hair. She is crouched in a tight ball staring at her Nanny in the kitchen with the pot. She can’t see her Poppy from where she crouches, but she can hear him. Hear his accusations and his threats. Knows he is holding a rifle pointed at her Nanny. The girl knows that if her Poppy pulls the trigger the bullet that flies out of the gaping mouth at the end of the barrel will kill her Nanny.

The little girl feels great fear for her Nanny. So afraid that her Nanny will get hurt and go away. If that happens she knows she won’t have anywhere to live because no one else wanted her. The sadness creeps up behind her eyes. She is scared of her grandparents, but at least she knows where she is, she knows where she lives. She has Somewhere. Poppy can’t shoot her Nanny. Resolve flickers in her eyes when she hears her Poppy threaten to kill her Nanny again. Her Nanny’s eyes flicker over to the girl again, not wanting the girl to be hurt. She also notices the flicker of determination in the little girls eyes and calls out for her to stay where she is. The little girl doesn’t listen. She knows her Poppy won’t shoot her, so she races over to stand in front of her Nanny. Her Nanny quickly holds the pot over the little girls heart. Her little heart is pumping with fear and adrenaline, but she is brave. So brave. She will not let him kill her Nanny.

She knows Poppy is so caught up in his drunken rage, so caught up in his story that he has forgotten the little girl is even there. He falters when he sees his grand daughter. His resolve weakens. The rage seems to deflate out of him and the edge in the air lessens. The little girl is on high alert, she is tense and scared and fiercely protective. Her Nanny is pushing her away. She doesn’t want to go. Her Nanny is persistent. She pushes the little girl toward the hallway that leads to the front door. The little girl turns around to protest, she is scared her Poppy will shoot her Nanny if she leaves. Her Nanny is telling her to go downstairs to Unit One where Dell lives and wait there. Her nanny promises she will be down soon and that everything will be OK.

The little girl doesn’t want to, but she doesn’t want to disobey her Nanny either or her Nanny might not want her anymore. Her Nanny might send her away if she doesn’t do as she is told. As she turns to leave the little girl notices a red patch of blood on her Nanny’s whiter than white uniform. It reminds the little girl that her Nanny might die and it brings the fear back full force. The girl doesn’t want to leave her Nanny but she knows she has to do as she is told. The little girl doesn’t look back as she races down the hall with tears streaming down her face. She doesn’t notice that her Poppy has put the rifle down as she flies out the front door. She doesn’t notice the shame on the old man’s face, the remorse. She doesn’t see him realise what almost happened. She doesn’t see him appear to age another decade in front of her eyes. All she does is carry her fear for her Nanny’s life down the stairs with the thought in her head that if she can just get to Dell, her Nanny would be safe. Everything would be OK.

The lady one flight down opens her door as the girl comes wailing down the stairs. She would have heard the argument going on above her. She asks the little girl if she is OK and if she would like to come inside until it is safe. The little girl stops dead in her tracks . She stops her wailing. She stops her tears. She packs all the feelings in to a little box and tells the lady she is fine and doesn’t want to go into her unit. The little girl rounds the corner to continue down the next flight of stairs keeping her emotions contained and to herself now. She continues to carry the thought in her head that if she could just make it down to Dell then everything would be alright. Because her Nanny told her so.
She made it to Dell’s. Everything did turn out alright in the end. No one died. No one sent the little girl away. She continued to have Somewhere. No one ever mentioned how brave that little girl was. Ever. It wasn’t until decades later, looking back, the little girl who had grown in to a dysfunctional, unworthy adult, realised just how brave she was that night. Just how brave she was. Just how brave she still is.

It’s a New Moon!

Yeap, today is a New Moon, in the astrological constellation of Scorpio on the 11th day of the 11th month. That makes this a particularly powerful time for shedding what is no longer serving you. It is time to release all the things that are holding you back and focus on all the wonderful new things you want to bring in to your life.

I am no astrologer. I am no expert on moon phases or numerology, the planets or anything really. I am just an opinionated, intuitive and highly feeling soul. I’m not here to give you information about what it all means, there are plenty of amazing bloggers out there doing that already! So what am I here for? I’m here to give you some suggestions on things you can do if you feel called to.

I’m here to remind myself and you, Constant Reader, of the energies present on the earth right now. I have deep faith in the energies around us and have no doubt that energies can affect us even without us being conscious of it. I really would like to become more conscious of it. I am very good at ignoring information and just floating along unhinged in life, no focus, no intent. I am naturally an easy-going person and happy to just go with the current. Or is it that I’m a people pleaser? Sometimes I wonder…

Anyway for me today the new moon means a new beginning, a new start. Just like the New Year, or the first day of the month or the first day of the week. It’s a renewed motivational energy for me. It’s a day where I can begin to set in motion how I want to be for the rest of the month. I’ve always been drawn to the cycles of the moon in particular. Possibly because I feel drawn to wicca, possibly because I am a female and my own personal cycles are tied unconsciously to the moon (though I am working on making that a more conscious thing). Whatever the reason I love the cycle of the moon because it’s not a long time, only 28 days on average, and there is a very visible track of the cycle if you just look in to the sky.

I find it interesting that I get the urge to clean my house leading up to a new moon, as if in preparation for a new beginning. I also use this time to cleanse my house energetically. Yeap, I’m one of those sage burning people. I love the smell of it and I love the feel of it. Whether it is all a load of crap or not doesn’t matter. What matters is how it leaves me feeling. That is what I think about any kind of ritual, faith, belief, routine, way of life. What matters is how it feels, as long as it harms no other living being. Now I’m sounding a little Buddhist right? Well, I do have a deep belief that the basis of every religion and faith in the world is exactly the same. But this is not a theological outpour, it’s about today. Right now. The 11th day of the 11th month.

This is a day of remembrance; remembrance for those humans who chose (or were forced) to go kill other humans in the name of freedom. Before I go too far down that path I will remind myself this is not an outpour about my views on war. This day is also a very powerful day for there is magic within the repetitive numbers, if you believe… and I do. I have always had a fascination with repetitive numbers, though again, I’m not a numerologist nor have studied numbers beyond year 11 mathematics! For more information on repetitive numbers and their possible significance google Doreen Virtue, she has a lot of information out there about it all.

For me, regardless of what anyone else says (again it’s about how I feel), the number 1 is singular, so it’s about your individual self. While I know separation from others is merely an illusion, we have come to earth as individuals to experience that which we wanted to experience. So 1 is about the self. Therefore, for me, the repetition of 1 is about manifesting more self to the self. So if I am loving, I will manifest and attract more loving toward me. If I focus on how tired I am I will manifest and attract more tiredness toward me. If I focus on being kind and giving then I will attract more kindness and giving toward me. If I focus on health problems I will attract more health problems toward me. So today, on this very powerful day of manifestation, be aware, be hyper-aware of what you are focusing on. If you are focusing on something you don’t want or don’t need in your life, shift your focus immediately. Do not dwell on what no longer serves you right now.

So between the new moon and the magical repetition of the number 1 today is a very powerful time for creating what you DO want. For bringing to you that which you desire in your life. So then what of the astrological alignment within the constellation Scorpio? Scorpio is a water sign. Water is life. 75% of your body is made up of water. The moon controls water. Water is closely linked to emotion. So here we are finding ourselves in a time and space where we can safely release any old emotions that remain clinging to us but no longer serve us. That time your brother stole your toy and destroyed it, the betrayal and hurt you felt, you can let go of that now. Release it and focus instead on how much you love your brother. Attract the love to you and release the pain.

Again, I am no astrologer and there are many amazing people out there with better information than I. Elizabeth Peru for instance has a wealth of information for those interested. This is merely about me. It is, after all, MY blog. This is about my journey. My faith. My desires and choices. You, Constant Reader, are simply a witness to my life which I am grateful for.

Today I will smudge my house with the smoke of dried white sage. I will repeat a mantra that sits well with me as I do so. I will also use my reiki to give the place a good cleaning out. If I can muster the energy I will also physically clean some of the space my children, my familiar and I live in. I will focus on what I’d like to see accomplished within the next moon cycle. Will you join me?

 

I will earn a lot of money face painting this coming 4 weeks.

I will drink a lot of water.

I will find out if I am gluten intolerant then begin cutting gluten out of my life as much as I can manage.

I will pay all my bills.

I will spend as much money as I can on my Mr Bee for his 5th b’day.

I will delve in to learning new ways of living my life how I want to, which includes celebrating the 8 holidays of the wiccan year instead of celebrating societies holidays. No more christmas for me. No more easter. No more valentines day or hallowe’en. I will honour my desire to live more naturally and according to nature’s and my own cycles.

 

What sort of things will you focus on accomplishing within the next moon cycle?

Why eating Bliss Balls is torture!

Cacao Bliss Balls

These are my bliss balls. Not made with the sugary awesomeness of modern chocolate. Not even made with the commercialised, over-processed cacao you can get in health food stores that actually tastes reasonable. No. These are made with real, under-processed ceremonial grade cacao. These guys here have mejool dates, some LSA (crushed linseed, almonds and sesame seed), a dollop of honey, macadamia nuts, some pink Himalayan rock salt, some coconut milk and of course the cacao and covered in dessicated coconut.

They look awesome! The cacao turned out so smooth and creamy and rich that by looking at it your mouth could water. However just one bite…

bitten cacao bliss ball

… and I didn’t know how I was ever going to finish it! No matter what else is mixed with this stuff, the cacao over-rides it with a stubborn and persistently bitter zing. It took me almost 20 minutes to consume just the one and that is technically only 1/4 of a ceremonial dose! There is no way I could eat 4 in one sitting. It took me 5 bites and the last one I almost couldn’t force down my throat. Yes! It is THAT bad!!

Yet so worth it. One of the biggest things I’ve noticed since beginning my journey with cacao and exploring my relationship with it, is that I get a day or sometimes more without fatigue. I’ve had this sneaking suspicion for some time that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. So tired I couldn’t even be bothered getting a diagnosis. I have to push myself through most days. But since I began this, and began drinking fresh juices every day, I have noticed some days without fatigue. Of course, I only notice it when the fatigue finally hits again and I think, ‘oh hey! I hadn’t been feeling this!!’ I’d love to notice it when the fatigue is on vacation so I could fully appreciate my feeling normal. Normal as in not like I’m constantly wading through mud.

Thankfully I only really made these bliss balls to experiment with dreaming. In fact, lucid dreaming. I have always been able to remember my dreams. I dream in colour. I dream in alternate realities. I dream from my personal point of view. I dream from a looking down or in point of view. I have even experienced manipulating my dreams before or changing the direction in my dreams if they begin to feel uncomfortable. The only recurring dream I have is when I need to go to the toilet and I’m refusing to wake up. Not that it is the same every time, just that it always involves one or more toilets in various situations and me sitting down to pee, peeing for the longest time, yet still feeling like I need to pee.

These wake-up-and-pee-dreams, as I’ve come to call them, have arrived in so many different ways. From me living in this caravan and going in to my toilet to pee but being able to see people outside, to me walking in to a public toilet where barely any of the toilets are closed in so people can see me going, to not being able to find a clean toilet, they are clogged or so dirty you wouldn’t even consider sitting on them, to a dream where I kept going to all these different toilets of different sizes, the biggest being a massive pink one I had to use a ladder to sit up on it. I’ve had so many of these dreams I think I could actually write a book about the different ones. I guarantee that they all have other relevant symbolical meanings threaded throughout them as well. Sometimes I can even register in my dream that I’m having a wake-up-and-pee-dream and actually wake myself up to go, usually my conscious mind gets the hint when I keep going and going to the toilet all the time but never feeling relieved and it clicks something in my brain. Thankfully those dreams are VERY persistant and won’t stop until I do eventually wake up and go.

I also seem to have this uncanny knack for being able to break-down and divine some very relevant meaning from dreams. I can hear any dream and seem to be able to interpret it and if the person is open enough and willing enough to hear the deeper meaning, the deeper message, be uncannily accurate about dreams. There are certain symbols and certain archetypes I have found that are universal. However, there are always going to be symbols that are NOT universal. For instance a cow in the western world isn’t going to have the same kind of meaning as say someone dreaming about a cow in India for example.

One of the universal symbols though is water. I learned a very long time ago how water dreams affected me and what they meant. Back when I was still relating with my mother I would get these dreams of MASSIVE waves crashing over me and me not being able to get away from them. Or there was another one where, even though my house was up a hill, we ended up flooded. Not too high, just to the knees, but the water was murky and muddy and when I woke up I thought of my mother. Sure enough, every time after a dream like this something would happen to cause emotional turmoil in our relationship. That was how I discovered what the water meant for me. So now, if I dream about water I pay attention to what kind of water it is, how I am feeling about the water, what the water is doing. I’ve dreamed of clear water where I’ve felt safe and calm and am watching all sorts of sea life swim beneath me, I have dreamed of a raging waterfall. I have dreamed of the muddy water, I have dreamed of fish tanks that are dirty and uncared for. The most common water dream though is waves.

No matter how the water shows up though, I know it has to do with my emotions. For instance the fish tank dreams were about my body. How I haven’t been looking after it, so it’s quite toxic like the water in the fish tank. A number of the fish tank dreams are of me feeling like I need to feed the fish cause I know I don’t feed them enough and they are so hungry and I see the fish tank and it’s so dirty sometimes I wonder how they could possibly still be alive. Once I acknowledged what these ones meant I haven’t had another one since. The very last fishtank dream I had was of adding a new fish to the tank. The tank was cleaner in this one but I worried that there wasn’t enough room for this new fish to fit in my fish tank. I had brought it in from outside the holiday home where I had been swimming in the beautiful calming water with my husband. I put it in the fish tank anyway.

With the typing of the fish tank dreams just then I JUST realised it was letting me know I’d be bringing another person in to my family, in to my home, in to my energetic space. It showed me a concern for being able to feed all the fish, and having enough space. It showed me support from my husband, that he would be with me no matter what. It felt right to add that fish. There was this surety that it needed to be added to my tank. Well a week or two after I had that dream I opened my home to a clayton’s nephew of mine. Someone I’ve known since he was born, who is just 5 weeks younger than my 15 year old son. The first born of one of my closest, dearest friends. Wow! I just love dreams. I love what they can tell you. I love how the symbols can weave a story all of their own if you just know what you are looking for. I have consumed a bliss ball right before I started this, I’m not sure I would have had this insight without it. Yay Ixcacao! Thank you. So there, Constant Reader, is one of the first insights of this week’s Cacao Dieta.

My whole point is, that because I have this strong connection to dreaming and being able to figure out the symbols and the meanings and always bring it back somehow to the dreamer and what is going on, I thought it would be interesting to experiment with cacao dreaming. I have a lucid dreaming app on my phone that I haven’t tried yet. I’ll be experimenting with that this week and seeing what comes of it. I plan to have a cacao bliss ball before bed each night and perhaps take one up to bed with me to consume if I wake through the night to keep the journey going. The thought of this excites me.

So if you’re following me on this journey, I expect there to be some dreams to read about. I must remember to take a dream journal with me upstairs so I can write this stuff down before I do anything else in the mornings. There is so much knowledge to gain from dreams. I don’t believe they are just your brain dumping things. I think dreams are much more than scientists have ever dreamed of 😉 Pun totally intended. I love puns, they are punny!

Thank you for reading if you have. I’d love to hear your dreams. All dreams fascinate me. I love seeing all the different ways archetypes or symbols turn up for different people. Please, feel free to share a dream with me.

Mandala Talk and more

So much for posting a blog post every day this month! My life has been a bit of a paradox lately by being turned completely upside while still remaining the same. I am in this holding pattern right now which resonates with Mercury Retrograde which means while I am here ready finally and itching to move forward, I find myself stuck and waiting. In the void so to speak. Which is perfect for this months Great Round of Mandala study which is of The Void.

If you’ve been following my blog or just know me personally you will know I love mandalas. Creating them, teaching about them, sharing them. In my journey I came across The Mandala Workbook which you can find here: http://bit.ly/1xQw2gi It has exercises and information all about the Great Round of Mandalas and one of the most recommended mandala books if mandala work is something you wish to explore.

See, Mandalas can be a number of things. Anything that is contained within a circle is technically a mandala, as the sanskrit word for circle is mandala. A mandala can be just a piece of art, it can be a piece of art you meditate upon, it can be a view of your world, it can be a view of your INNER world where you can explore what is going on inside and find what needs to be healed or hear what your soul is yearning to tell you. It is the latter part that I am doing this year with the help of The Mandala Workbook, as well as the https://www.facebook.com/100Mandalas?fref=ts facebook group here and lastly with the guided help of Julie Gibbons who is running this very course for the year, you can find her here: http://www.juliegibbons.com/

So this month is the void. The void represents all sorts of things and one of them is winter which is also where I find myself in a bit of a paradox because it is the middle of summer here!! However, the part of winter the void represents is the hybernation part, the going within, the long dark… summer is so hot her that a lot of us end up going within as well, if only to seek respite from the heat! Despite it being Summer I find myself very much in the void right now. Like being in your mothers womb awaiting your birth. So studying the void is very fitting for me at this stage.

Thanks to Effy Wild I will never buy myself another journal again. I have way too much fun making my own, deciding how many signatures to put in each one, if it has a flap or hangy bits… in the end it makes it more personal. More my own. Since I do have such a big passion for mandala work I decided I was going to make a really BIG journal. I am not used to working this big! I know I will probably work on some big stuff within the pages though. After I bound the book (I am going to wait until it’s finished before I decorate the cover) I began to work on my title page, which is also my intention page.

RoundOne-Dedication

The mandala may seem a little plain compared to what I usually do, however I wanted to leave all that space for all the journalling I did within the container of mandala. In the very middle where the seed of life is I realised there was exactly enough spaces to write the word MYSELF. It took me a lot longer to do this piece than a work of art usually takes me. I find I often do things quick, rush things. The whole time I was doing this page though I kept getting the message to SLOW DOWN and TAKE YOUR TIME. It’s ok to go slowly, not to rush, at this time. So every time I felt myself with the tension of wanting to rush through the process I consciously made an effort to breathe and slow down. So it is my intention for the entire book to go slow. Something new for me!

The next page we were invited to do a ‘self-portrait’ which is something Julie Gibbons teaches in the Radiant Faces course on Effy Wild’s site. I absolutely loved that class and have done a few of them since then. Julie Gibbons goes on to say that every portrait you ever do is just another aspect of you, which I whole-heartedly agree with. It is why, even though the faces I draw may be different, I often look at them and feel like they all look the same. It is simply because they are just another aspect of myself.

RoundOne-SammStarrs

This one was such a ‘what if?’ process. I get a lot of what ifs as I am doing art, some I listen to but most I push aside and think later, I’ll so something like that later. Well, not this time. This time, in honour of delving deep and exploring what is within me, I did every single what if that popped in to my head. What if I put flowers on her cheeks? What if I gave her rainbow eye-shadow? What if I put pearls through her hair? What if I put a spiral within her pupils? Then as I was nearing the end I had the message to Shine your brightest no matter what. A timely message for me. I often find myself dulling my shine so other people are more comfortable, however lately I find myself reticent to do that. More and more I just want to shine as strongly and brightly as I possibly can. The more I shine, the more courage the people I love will have to shine as well!

So I really enjoyed how she (I) turned out. So much so that on the next page I’m doing a bunch of aspects of me mandalas, which is being an interesting process. Before I started that however I did a warm-up lesson on the void. The void is about simplicity and darkness so a mandala that represents the void is usually of a solid dark colour. The warm up lesson is about sitting and closing your eyes for 15 minutes with some charcoal or crayons in each hand and drawing two voids at the same time with both hands, then exploring how that made you feel.

RoundOne-WarmUp

I found my hands kept drifting away from each other to the outside of the page and I needed to consciously bring them together which I found interesting as either side of your body represents the masculinity and the femininity within each of us. Mine seem to be poles apart but I have this desire to bring them together. It has been an interesting process so far. Next I will do the actual Void Mandala and journal about that process. I really love anything that focus’ on self-discovery and self-awareness, especially if it leads to growth or healing. We don’t have to be broken, you just need to commit to doing the work and the healing. Are you willing to heal the hurts within and forgive and thank those who gave you the opportunity to experience the entire process? It’s no easy feat, forgiving those who have given you an experience of pain, but it is worth it, because the only person suffering from your feelings… is you.

In Joy!

2015 so far!

I thought I would check in today and see how YOUR 2015 is going so far? Did you choose a word or words, or phrase for the year? Are you stepping in to it yet? Is it manifesting within your life, or are you consciously making a choice to use it? In what ways is it showing up for you? I’d love to hear your story.

I have chosen Communication and Focus. Well, the communication part seems to be coming through with myself! It’s been a long, long time since I wrote my feelings out, or wrote what was going on for me out. I used to do it all the time. I used to keep a written journal and write in it every single day, but because I tend to rabble I found it ended up taking up to much time!! Then I discovered art journaling and of course fell in love. It is my aim though to find a nice medium some how. I don’t necessarily want to be able to read my rabblings so I’m happy to do art over top, but then sometimes within my rabblings I gain some insight or have an epiphany that I would like to remember, in which case I could art around it. My point being, I have re-found self-communication which is wonderful. It gives me a chance to express myself without risk of harming others or myself, it gives me a chance to release feelings about situations that may have triggered me and actually have nothing to do with the situation at all, it helps me clear my head and understand the core of what is upsetting me and it gives me time to think and calm down. So communication is definitely manifesting in my life in the short one and half weeks of 2015 so far.

My other word was Focus. That I am still just a little bit fuzzy on. I’m still up in the air about what I want to offer as a Creative Alchemist. Until I can figure that out, how am I meant to market myself? Until I can figure that out I don’t even know who my people are! I’m hoping a coaching session with a friend of mine this coming week will help, though I’ve never done any kind of coaching session before so do not know what to expect and am a little anxious about it all. However, the Universe has offered this up to me in the form of my friend and I will welcome it open-heartedly! Opportunity knocks and I’m willing to answer no matter what kind of fear it creates because I know that the gold is where the fear is!!

In other news it’s the birthday today of an amazingly wonderful, talented, artistic, creative, loving, joyful, playful, pixie who I adore!

Best_happy_birthday_wishes-2

In other, other news, I’ve been drawn to collage lately and Jamie Ridler seems to be the Queen of Collage. I received an email of her today about how she recently found an old journal where she did a collage a day for a whole year!! She linked me to a video which you can go see here: http://www.jamieridlerstudios.ca/create-365-collage-journal/

Now I definitely do not have the time to do a collage a day, but I am considering doing a collage a week, or a month at least! Hmm, perhaps a week. That will still leave me with … well, 51 collages unless I do an extra one for that first week I missed. It could be quite an interesting little task and something amazingly visual to look back on. Collages can create an amazing story with a very clear feel to them. It could be a new way of journaling even! Perhaps the collages is something I will share with my email girls now that I don’t do the daily mandalas. I did say I wanted to send out a weekly email. Plus if I commit to doing that with my email newsletter than I’ll be more likely to stick it out and get it done each week! What do you think? Would you be interested in seeing my weekly collage and reading about how I chose the pictures/words or what my process was?

Feel free to leave me a comment or just say Hi 🙂 Thanks for reading! In Joy!

So it begins…

This is NOT an art related post! Why? Because my life isn’t always in all ways about art and creativity. Sometimes it’s just all about me!! So I have decided that while I will post art related stuffs here I am also going to let those who want to know about me in to my inner sanctum to some extent. So today, welcome to the newest journey I have undertaken and I hope you will witness it for me.

What is this journey about? Well if you know me IRL you know how morbidly obese I am. There I said it. I’ve never denied it, I just tend to avoid the fact… a lot. It brings me great shame to admit it out loud because no matter how many different ways I try to overcome it, I always, always tend to sabotage myself into an even bigger state than which I began. I have had this new (for me) product pop up in my life from a few different people over the past few months and as I ignored it, the universe deemed it necessary to make me even more aware of it. So I researched. I did my due diligence. I read the pros, the cons and tried to find a medium somewhere in the middle. At the end of my research I decided y’know what… I want to be my own case study. I have heard a heap of stories about how it’s helped this that and the other person and has attributed to this that and the other aspect of people’s lives. I have read about this that and the other ingredient… singular ingredient, not the system as a whole… that is “bad” for you. I got to thinking, well you know what? The stuff I’m consuming right now is bad for me anyway, so why not try the system. For 30 days. So I did.

Today is the first day. I weighed myself (shudder). I measured my neck, my upper arms, my chest, my bust, my diaphragm, my waist, my abdomen, my butt, my upper thighs, my upper knees, my calves (sad face). It is really confronting seeing it all laid out to bare there. Knowing you are more than twice the person you are meant to be. Knowing that your arse measurement is almost the same as your height *shame*. It makes me sick knowing people can see me like this. I don’t see me like this. In my head I am nowhere near as big as I am. No matter how much I know I’m huge it is ALWAYS a shock when I catch sight of myself… which I don’t often do. I’ve become very good at avoiding my reflection. I still need to take my ‘before’ photos… I dread that. Because the camera never lies. I know I need to do it, if only so I can look back at the end of this month and see visual evidence of whether this system is all it’s made out to be or not.

This system proclaims to do a lot. It removes the toxins from our bodies, it helps you lose weight because your fat cells are no longer surrounding those toxins to protect you, therefore your fat can be used instead of stored and you have the ability to then create lean muscle. It gives you more energy which helps you focus more, your sleep is more restful, and so many comments of how people feel happier, of how even cranky, miserable people are now shiny happy people. Then of course you can make money out of it. For me, the making money, while it would be nice, is not the part that ended up reeling me in. Contrary to what you might be thinking, it’s not even the weight loss part. The weight loss is going to be an added bonus. No, the part that put me over the edge of indecision is the extra energy reports. If I can wake up and feel awake, if I can have energy to get through the day, if I can focus on projects for more than a half hour at a time… it will all be worth it. If I lose weight and earn money at the same time awesome. If I don’t make any money that is ok too.

It is my goal to take a selfie every day for the month then turn them into a short time lapse to see if there is a difference. If I continue on the system to reach a healthier weight I will continue to do that cause I think that would be really fun to watch at the end. I hope, so hard, that this works. I guarantee if I can get back to healthy weight I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever in this lifetime, reach the state I’m currently in. I will not be a victim to sugar and overly processed foods again!!

So stay tuned to my blog over the coming month. I want to commit to doing at least a weekly update of how I’m going and what kind of loss I’m having or what kind of gain I’m having. How I’m feeling both emotionally, physically, mentally. I may update even more. I may need to use this space to get through the rough patches, but I’ll be sure to celebrate the good patches with you too. I hope you stick with me and I hope I stick to this. I could use all the support I can get. All the encouragement I can get. Because I do not want to live this way anymore. I want a healthier vessel to travel the rest of this life in. For my children. For my husband. Most importantly though… for me!

Please don’t ask me about the system yet. Like I said, I’m being a case-study. I want to see it, feel it, be it, in action. I want to know within myself that it works. If it does then I will scream it from the rooftops and I will be happy to help YOU with weight loss goals, energy and performance goals, or even aging gracefully goals. Just let me test it out first. Because if I can do this, if I can stick to this, then anyone can… for serious.