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Day 58

I actually had a good eating day today because I didn’t get the chicken I thought about getting on my way home from uni after lunch. I really need to start taking my shake with me to have on the train cause it’s just after 2 by the time I get home and I normally have my lunch at 1 so I’m ravenous by the time I get off the train. Then, my dinner was made for me tonight but it was a bunch of little quiches which really wasn’t all that much to eat but it was fine, I wasn’t particularly hungry. Bloodbowl night tonight which is always fun. Not so fun was the TeenBoys little temper tantrum and grumpy energy which I tried to alleviate with some humour and tried to find the amusement in it but it could only last so long before I was over it and said as much. I won but he still killed me, gave me a niggling injury and a serious injury, so while I won and am still on the top of the ladder, he still hurt me pretty badly.

I mostly did MT all afternoon instead of hanging out with the kids cause I knew I was going to play Bloodbowl tonight and I did more when I got home. I’ve managed to write out my presentation on the cards so I hope I’m ready for that tomorrow and I hope I get to just get it over and done with and out of the way ASAP so I can then relax and chill out for the rest of the day.

Feeling exhausted now and hope I sleep quick and solid all night.

Today, I won.

Day 57

Weigh in day! This is how fucked up my body is and why I really can’t trust whatever number it says on the scales. So got up this morning, gave it a beat until I could poop (gotta get a couple extra grams off before I weigh myself!) and jump on the scales to a very disappointing 100 gram loss. It was actually what I was expecting but it still hurt like crushed testicles. I mean, the amount of times I say no to myself the past 8 weeks, the amount of times I’ve walked further than I need to or tried to walk faster, the amount I am pushing myself… it’s just a kick in the guts when very little happens. Like, come on! The fact I’m not eating bread or drinking coke should be enough without anything else for me to be shedding fat, so when nothing happens on the scales it’s so defeating. It feels like such a lot of effort for so little reward… lol, a lot like my marriage really.

I decided, after noting it down, I’d jump on one more time after I drop the kids off at school and see what the scale has to say. So when I first weighed, I came in at 133.7, a whole 0.1 down from last Monday, when I got on the scales after I got home from the school run, the scales read 132.9… I literally got off and got back on two more times just to make sure the scales weren’t fucking with me. All 3 times it read 132.9. Well fuck it, I’m gonna take that weight and run with it cause 900 grams is a fuckload better than 100 grams that’s for sure! So as far as I’m concerned, I lost almost 1 kg this week.

But really, what the fuck is up with my body? It would have been just over an hour between the first time I weighed and the second and not a single thing had changed other than I peed twice… did my 2 pee’s combined weight almost 1 kg?!!! For serious? I don’t get it. That is also why, if I ever reach double digits again, I’m not going to acknowledge it or accept it or celebrate it until I have stayed in the double digits for at least 2 weeks in a row cause I simply won’t believe it.

That means I have managed to lose 8.6kgs so far in 8 weeks. That is a pretty good effort. I would have liked more and I’m not sure how I’m meant to do more, but it is still a good effort and even though I don’t notice those 8.6kgs, they are gone and I hope they are gone for good and I hope more will come and the more I lose, maybe then I’ll begin to notice. I have a feeling I won’t truly notice until I leave the 120s behind though. I really hope I can keep this up because I’m so excited and look forward to being under 100 kgs. I really hope I can make it there by my 44th b’day. That would be the best present ever.

Today I did well with eating, so today I won.

Day 56

Today was nothing special. I got almost all of my written assignment done for the foundations class including getting some references in there. After we talk about it Wednesday I’ll be able to wrap it up and submit it, along with the journal entry and that will be Class One done and dusted! Then I can start on the new class and work on getting the poster assignment done. The normal cleaning day happened today and I always love having a tidy loungeroom and having the floor vacuumed. Poor Bee jumped on the lounge and landed hard on his butt and likely bruised his tailbone good and proper. He couldn’t walk very well at first but by the time he went to bed tonight it was like nothing had happened. We’ll see if it is feeling stiff in the morning but I think we’re safe to say he didn’t crack it or anything.

I got out and did the entire front lawn today. That’s an anomaly for me. Normally I can only handle doing one side at a time but I got the entire front yard done today AND at least half the backyard so that is amazing. I even had to stop and turn the gas cylinder over and restart the hot water system and move TeenBoys car in the process! So that was a massive effort and I hope that shows on the scales tomorrow! I did have bacon and eggs for dinner tonight so I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, keto says bacon and eggs is great for you but there’s a part of my brain wants to say no, that was a naughty, naughty dinner! I actually think it was worth less calories than the salad and meat I normally have to be honest. I did have one of the mini cupcakes BabyGurl made today but it was just the tiniest little thing so I don’t know if that counts as being bad either, though I feel like if you add up each little thing I have had this week, it really shouldn’t surprise me if I don’t lose any and if I don’t I’ll be super sad.

So today, I win.

Day 55

So apparently I slept for 9 hours and 9 minutes last night! I told you I had been tired for the past few days 😮 Plus, I went to bed at like 10pm last night and I fell asleep pretty damn quick too. I do feel less tired today. I felt kind of lost today though because I don’t have a shitload of reading to do for the last class of Foundations next week because I am presenting along with another 10 or so people and then we’re talking about the assignment, so there’s no reading necessary. It’s hard to believe how much they fit into just 5 days (not including all the time you spend at home learning). I am feeling quite overwhelmed by it all though if I’m to be honest and I’m not sure how I will make it through. The alternative though is too grim to imagine or tolerate. It means going back to struggling to work as an MT and find a job that I can live with. At least with this, I get to study something and hopefully become something I want to be and I will be good at and will be super beneficial for other humans.

As for food, Bee wanted pizza for dinner and Roar got a kebab. Holy hell the smells in the car were diving me crazy. So I actually took a very small piece of Bee’s pizza. It was literally only half an average slice. Holy fucking hell it was so damn good! As far as I’m concerned, I did well to not have more! Dunno if it was worth it or not because I really still want to lose some weight this week. I still think I am doing really well though. The amount of times I say no to myself. It actually really shits me, the amount of times I’m not eating the stuff I used to eat and yet the weight isn’t just dropping off me! I mean, I haven’t had any fizzy drink at all for over 2 months now, that alone should mean I’m losing weight, but that’s not to mention the fact I haven’t had McDonalds, KFC, pizza or even subway or kebabs or burritos for 2 months, let alone doughnuts, biscuits, chips, bread, cheesy mash potato, meat pies or sausage rolls… I mean really now. Why isn’t the weight just falling off me?! It’s not like eating that way was continuously putting weight on me. I was bobbing between 138 and 142 all last year and eating that sort of shit all the damn time.

I really should acknowledge and be grateful for the fact that I have lost 7.7 kgs so far though. I don’t really give myself enough credit for that and I think it’s mostly because I’m so fucking morbidly obese that I really do not see any difference. Even though my scales are showing me at 133.8 kg as of last weigh-in, I see no difference between this and 141.5 kg. Now, my logical brain knows that is a huge difference but my visual knowing says otherwise. I know that if I was 60 kgs and I lost 7.7 kgs to now be 52.3 kgs that is a massive difference and you’d see a huge change… but all the way up here at this weight, not so much. So even though I don’t notice the difference visually and my clothes are not getting looser at all, I still need to recognise my massive effort. I’m almost out of the 130’s and that is an amazing effort and I’m so happy for myself, I really am. Hopefully, in 2 more months I can say I’m out of the 120’s and hopefully, by then, I’ll actually be noticing it more. Yet here I sit, if I’m to be honest, feeling like shit cause I really don’t notice the difference and 7.7 kgs when you have 80 kgs to lose, really isn’t all that much. Yes, 300 grams and I’m 10% of the way there but that leaves me 90% left to go. As it stands I have almost 4 of my youngest child to lose off my body. It feels like so much and feels so far away and I worry that I won’t make it. I worry that I will give up before I get there. I worry that I will keep eating bits of pizza here and bits of chocolate there and then I’ll cave and have ‘just one’ fizzy drink and then ‘just one’ will become ‘just one more’ until all my hard work is gone.

So today, I’m not sure if I won or not. I mean, yeah I had a half piece of pizza but at the same time, that’s ALL I had. So, win I guess. Today, I won.

Day 54

Still so tired today. The migrache has been in the peripheral all day though as I sit and type this it seems to have backed off which is great. I got through my lines and made it over 12000 which is great, unfortunately I sent in a file to QA and ended up with 94% ☹ that took my overall average down to 98.25% and you have to be above 98.5% to get your monthly bonus. So no extra $40 for me this month. I’m so annoyed and defeated by it all. Especially because I know next month I won’t even get close to my 12000 lines because I’m off to Witch Camp for the long weekend over easter, so that takes 3 working days away from me. Plus, it’s school holidays and it’s always so much harder to work on school holidays when all I wanna do is hang out with the kids.

I had chocolate milk again tonight :/ I really need to stop. It’s the milk that is the killer. So much so, that I’m only in a 300 calorie deficit today. I guess we’ll see how much that affects my weight loss this week. Blah. Today, not such a good day cause I had the cold chocolate and I had a serve of fruit sensations. Oh wells. It is what it is and all I can do is my best at any given time. I worry that my motivation isn’t so strong because I’m not hearing about it or seeing it maybe. I don’t know. I worry so much that I’m not going to be able to keep going long enough to reach my goal weight. I really hope I do, but if I don’t get at least a 300 g loss this week then I won’t be at my goal of 1kg loss per week. So fingers crossed, this slump I’m in is actually good for me. Give my body a bit of a break from the stress of losing weight and the stress of always saying no to myself and then hopefully, I can go hard again maybe next week and have a solid, no cheat week. That would be amazing.

Today, I don’t feel like I won so much, but I really did because I still haven’t caved and McDs or KFC or pizza or bread or pasta or a fat pile of potato or chips or biscuits… so really, I’m still doing really well!

Day 53

I woke up in the middle of a crazy-ass dream this morning and whenever I get woken up in the middle of a dream, for some reason I end up super drained and tired all fucking day. To the point I almost went back to bed for an hour or two after I dropped the kids off to school. Only I really wanted to get my work done and get some study done today to get a head start on next week. Only, that gave me a headache… or rather a migrache… it’s like a headache that has that stronger edge to it like a migraine, that metallic taste in the mouth and that feel like you are wolverine and your skull is made from metal but magneto is on the other side trying to pull it out of your head but it’s not enough to be an actual migraine as long as you go gentle. The worst thing about migraches is I used to use coke or chocolate or chips to help get rid of them, only I don’t get to do that anymore. If I did the coke, chip, chocolate combo on the migrache it would disappear within 30 minutes. The other sucky thing about the migrache is pain killers don’t really seem to do anything for them. It’s the eating of the sugar and salt that does it. I do notice I’m a lot more dehydrated with them as well.

So, I’m not used to just having to live with it all day. I am super proud that I didn’t just cave in and get the things I know help, especially because I did go shopping this afternoon with the kid but instead of buying those things, I bought myself some washi tape and notebooks LOL I guess that is better for my body than the triple c combo. I did, however, have another cold chocolate after dinner. They probably aren’t helping my cause and I would really love to stop doing that but I feel like I’m fighting harder lately and I just can’t win all the fights. So I was thinking maybe dark chocolate coated super berries is a better option… if I can control myself. So I got some of them and I’m going to give it a go. I just need to separate them into individual baggies first or I fear that I might not stop. I’m going to give it a go for a week and see if I can control myself and if I can, then that will become my thing. Mind you, it all depends what the scales say too. I have a feeling the scales aren’t going to be kind to me on Monday because of all the cold chocolate drinks I’m having at night plus the slurpee I had this week. It really disheartens me how I can just have a couple minor slips like that and it can completely destroy my progress for the week. There’s no cheat day or cheat meal for me, if I did that, I would get nowhere. I have to be super strict all the damn time or instead of losing over 1kg a week I barely lose 300g.

So despite how tired I have been all damn day, and despite the migrache, I won today. I really did.

Day Fifty-Two

Today was another good day! Again, I don’t know if it’s because I am sitting with different people than DM and Mike or if it’s because I’m getting to know people more. I actually reached out to a girl I hadn’t worked with before and had a great experiential with her and absolutely loved it. That actually got me quite energetic. We got to draw and even play with clay today which is always fun then we finished the day with the presentations, which were absolutely wonderful. They were all such different ways of presenting the same kind of thing, as individual and different as each of the people doing the presenting. I have to do my presentation next week and I’m trying not to think about that. I will practice it in front of the kids tomorrow and see how that feels and see how it goes.

As for food, I feel like I did something wrong today but all I can think of is eating a bunch of pineapple, which isn’t wrong at all… so I’m not sure what my deal is because otherwise, I had a good eating day. So that is interesting.

It is interesting to note that I’m still struggling. Samma the hutt is yabbering more often and louder and it is taking a LOT of effort to say no to her or ignore her. All I want is stuff and things. Cake, biscuits, potato, pasta, pastry, sugary deliciousness. I’m not sure if it’s one of the ladies I’m sitting next to in class or if it is because I’ve reached that point that I was talking about at the start, when I was saying the first little while is the easiest for me but the longer I continue on, the more difficult it becomes to sustain and keep going. So it could be that and I’m not sure how to deal with it because I’ve never really continued this long before I don’t think. So this is all new territory for me and the worst part is that in the past I’ve sort of … blacked out… and then come too AFTER I’ve bought the food I don’t want to be eating and most the time after I’ve even eaten it and I am so afraid that is going to happen one day and I will be so sad. I guess, as long as if it happens I can just go, well that was just this one time, the next time I will do better and I will remain conscious and be stronger in my conviction… then it won’t be so bad?

I don’t know, all I know is it is definitely feeling a lot harder the past week or so and I’m not sure what to do about it. I wish I could get into the psychologist quicker so I can debrief with them and see what they have to say about it and if they have any tools I can use to remain very conscious and strong within that conscious moment. But alas, bulk-billed therapy is hard to come by and highly sought after so the waitlist is very long, so thus, I must wait it out. All I can do is my best and today, I did pretty good I think.

So today, I won!

Day Fifty-One

Today was actually a really good day. I decided to sit somewhere else in the classroom today just to get away from the people I normally end up sitting with and get to connect with other people and it was really nice. It was a nice cruisy day. While I don’t mind DM and Michael, there is a part of me that is resistant to them so it was super nice to get to sit next to Michelle and get to talk in a group with her and Sarah and Beth today. Or maybe it was a good day because I ended up listening to music on the way in today and that made a difference. Or… I don’t know. I don’t what it was but today was less difficult than it normally is. I think also cause I got to mention to DM that I wasn’t happy with where our poster project was going and feel like it needs to change and she agreed so that took a load off.

I feel like I kind of did not as good today with the eating well the chicken strips I had were coated in breadcrumbs and also I had another chocolate milk and I feel like they are both detrimental to my end-goal. I mean, it could have been worse right? And it’s just one day… except the day before I also had a chocolate milk and the day before that I had crumbed fish… so where is the line. It is hard to find the line and stay behind it. So perhaps I just need to try extra hard for the rest of this week.

Still, I feel like I won today anyway.

Day 50!

Well, I have to be honest with you, because…  well, no one reads this anyway and my aim is to log an honest account of my weight loss journey… I’m super disappointed today. I only lost 300 grams again. Now, if I was under 100 kgs I’d be super stoked with any kind of loss but I’m not. I’m not under 100 kgs and my weekly caloric deficit was over 10,000 calories. 7.700 calories is meant to be 1 kg. So… what happened? Is my metabolism that slow? It does my head in and it leaves me feeling sad and deflated. Not to the point of quitting because let’s face it, a loss is still a loss. I wish it was more, but at least it is a loss and at the end of the day, since I began at the start of February, I’m now down 7.7 kg and that is an amazing effort and I don’t want to lose sight of that. I was just really hoping for a regular loss average of 1 kg a week and I am coming to the point now where I’m going to be under that soon unless I get another couple big losses under my belt. This is now the third time I’ve had a loss of under 1 kg and with how big I am, I really don’t see why it’s such a big ask for me to lose 1 kg a week. I’m not asking for more than that. Still… a loss is a loss so I need to celebrate that win at least. At least I didn’t stay the same weight or worse, put weight on. So yay for 300 grams gone and being 300 grams closer to my goal. Sometimes I just wish it would happen quick you know.

So day 50 already! 50 days I’ve been on this journey. That seems crazy to me because it doesn’t actually feel like that long! Which is a good thing because it means I’m good to keep going.  Yeah, I have my moments where it is super difficult but it’s only moments and I am managing to stay really strong. I do have the occasional time where I will eat more than I should or eat something I wish I hadn’t but overall, I’m doing really well. I wish I could tell what it is during the weeks I lose barely anything why it is that way. Is it just my body holding on a little tighter? Am I eating something that I shouldn’t be? I’m I needing to up my heartrate while exercising? Should I be eating less, am I eat things I shouldn’t? Like, why does it have to be so fucking difficult? I wish, now that I’m in this thing and it’s been 50 days, I wish the weight would just slough away you know? Sometimes it’s not easy to stay positive, sometimes it’s not easy to be looking out for future Samm so she can look back at where I am right now and say thank you for persevering cause we made it. Now I’ve made the decision and I’m super strong in the decision I want results and fast results. I know I’m doing it the right way, the healthy way and it will be a way that will help me sustain the loss but sometimes I wish I could just have gastric sleeve surgery and lost 20 kgs in 2 months.

That has never been my life though. My life has always been about doing what needs to be done without any shortcuts. Well, I’m still determined to be under 100 kg by my 44th b’day. 44 is a good number and I’m looking forward to being 44 so it will be great to be down to the double digits for that year of my life and hopefully keep going and reaching my goal weight by my 45th b’day.

Today, I had 2 very thin slivers of the kids homemade pizza, which included the base but fuck it. I don’t get to eat fun stuff like that for now so I treated myself and it was so fucking good. I hope it doesn’t stuff up next weeks loss too bad.

So despite that, today I won.

Day Forty-Nine

I got to face paint today. That is always a light for me. Because it has been so long the time went really quick too. It was time to go before I’d even really settled in to it. While I’m not really ready to advertise and deal with having to turn back jobs that are on the weekends I’m with my kids, I wish I had more jobs on my non-kids weekend, at least one on those weekends, despite all the reading I have to do for Uni. I’m almost done even the extra reading they suggested this week. Granted I haven’t finished the heavy reading for Tuesday’s class but I feel like I have my head wrapped around it anyway without really needing to read the rest of that one. I’m about halfway through the added on reading for the Wednesday class and that’s all I have to do for the Wednesday class. After this reading there is no more because the week after this week is devoted to the presentations and talking about the written assignment. So it feels good to have that out of the way. After this Wednesday I can just concentrate on remembering my presentation then working on my assignment and then see if they have opened up the next subject on moodle so I can dig into that stuff. As for the bip/bap day, I am just not a fan of this subject :/ nor am I fan of the assignments we need to do for it either. I mean, it’s interesting in its way but I’m far more interested in the practical application of what I’m learning not about knowing what is physiologically going on in my clients body. Yes, what their body is doing can be having an effect on their psychological behaviour but I really do not feel like I need to be going SO in depth with this topic. I’m not studying psychiatry where I could be prescribing drugs for my clients, I don’t need to know how the HPA axis works or how stress affects the immune system. All I need to know is that stress affects us and the consequences of that but who am I to say it’s not somehow relevant.

I didn’t get a chance to go to the grocery store today though and I am all out of most of my salad ingredients and by the time the face painting gig was done woollies was closed, so I treated myself to two pieces of fish and 4 mini spring rolls for dinner. Probably not the best option with the breadcrumb surrounding the fish and the pastry surrounding the spring roll and I hope it doesn’t stuff up all the work I’ve done this week and I still get a loss for my weigh-in tomorrow. I guess we will see.

I still feel like I won today though.