So apparently I slept for 9 hours and 9 minutes last night!
I told you I had been tired for the past few days 😮 Plus, I went to bed at
like 10pm last night and I fell asleep pretty damn quick too. I do feel less
tired today. I felt kind of lost today though because I don’t have a shitload
of reading to do for the last class of Foundations next week because I am
presenting along with another 10 or so people and then we’re talking about the
assignment, so there’s no reading necessary. It’s hard to believe how much they
fit into just 5 days (not including all the time you spend at home learning). I
am feeling quite overwhelmed by it all though if I’m to be honest and I’m not
sure how I will make it through. The alternative though is too grim to imagine
or tolerate. It means going back to struggling to work as an MT and find a job
that I can live with. At least with this, I get to study something and
hopefully become something I want to be and I will be good at and will be super
beneficial for other humans.
As for food, Bee wanted pizza for dinner and Roar got a
kebab. Holy hell the smells in the car were diving me crazy. So I actually took
a very small piece of Bee’s pizza. It was literally only half an average slice.
Holy fucking hell it was so damn good! As far as I’m concerned, I did well to
not have more! Dunno if it was worth it or not because I really still want to
lose some weight this week. I still think I am doing really well though. The
amount of times I say no to myself. It actually really shits me, the amount of
times I’m not eating the stuff I used to eat and yet the weight isn’t just
dropping off me! I mean, I haven’t had any fizzy drink at all for over 2 months
now, that alone should mean I’m losing weight, but that’s not to mention the
fact I haven’t had McDonalds, KFC, pizza or even subway or kebabs or burritos
for 2 months, let alone doughnuts, biscuits, chips, bread, cheesy mash potato,
meat pies or sausage rolls… I mean really now. Why isn’t the weight just
falling off me?! It’s not like eating that way was continuously putting weight
on me. I was bobbing between 138 and 142 all last year and eating that sort of
shit all the damn time.
I really should acknowledge and be grateful for the fact
that I have lost 7.7 kgs so far though. I don’t really give myself enough
credit for that and I think it’s mostly because I’m so fucking morbidly obese
that I really do not see any difference. Even though my scales are showing me
at 133.8 kg as of last weigh-in, I see no difference between this and 141.5 kg.
Now, my logical brain knows that is a huge difference but my visual knowing
says otherwise. I know that if I was 60 kgs and I lost 7.7 kgs to now be 52.3
kgs that is a massive difference and you’d see a huge change… but all the way
up here at this weight, not so much. So even though I don’t notice the
difference visually and my clothes are not getting looser at all, I still need
to recognise my massive effort. I’m almost out of the 130’s and that is an
amazing effort and I’m so happy for myself, I really am. Hopefully, in 2 more
months I can say I’m out of the 120’s and hopefully, by then, I’ll actually be
noticing it more. Yet here I sit, if I’m to be honest, feeling like shit cause
I really don’t notice the difference and 7.7 kgs when you have 80 kgs to lose,
really isn’t all that much. Yes, 300 grams and I’m 10% of the way there but
that leaves me 90% left to go. As it stands I have almost 4 of my youngest
child to lose off my body. It feels like so much and feels so far away and I
worry that I won’t make it. I worry that I will give up before I get there. I
worry that I will keep eating bits of pizza here and bits of chocolate there
and then I’ll cave and have ‘just one’ fizzy drink and then ‘just one’ will
become ‘just one more’ until all my hard work is gone.
So today, I’m not sure if I won or not. I mean, yeah I had a
half piece of pizza but at the same time, that’s ALL I had. So, win I guess.
Today, I won.